miss mary sunshine

yea: more not sleeping. i was almost asleep until i had some random vision of a guy getting in my car and pulling out a gun. joy. figured i better type it out.

so. yesterday i quit. it was so raw and emotional. so difficult to do. and i struggled with it. had gone to the doctor for a follow up. she said that my head’s gonna hurt for a while. the bruising will disappear on it’s own, both on my hand and my head. and i was definitely fighting with ptsd. she wrote me out for another two weeks. hmmm... i had already decided that i wasn’t going back to work, and was planning on quitting anyway. she suggested that i take the two weeks to think about it, use the workman’s comp time, then go in and quit. i didn’t think that was a very ethical choice, and told her so. it just didn’t seem right.

but i continued to struggle with the option on the way to the office. it was a paycheck and health insurance for two more weeks. but the end result was going to be the same. so i called hubby bubby. he agreed with me. i called my dad. he agreed with me, and couldn’t quite understand why i was calling him when it seemed that i had figured it out. we came up with a way to present it to my supervisor.

she and i made small talk. she asked me how i was doing. we talked about the client who had attacked me. talked about a few other clients. then i broke it out. so i actually came here today to give you my two week’s notice. i thought so, she said, it was expected. as it turns out, my doctor wrote me out for another two weeks, so I'm not sure how you guys want to handle that in terms of workman’s comp, or using vacation or sick time. she said she’d check in to it.

i told her how much i’d enjoyed my time there, and how i felt i’d grown personally and professionally. yada yada yada. she said nice things about me and my work and how much they’d miss me. i said that this wasn’t how i would’ve liked things to go. that i would’ve liked to give her, the agency, and my clients proper notice. that i would’ve liked to say goodbye to my clients and co-workers. i told her about the doctor’s suggestion and how i didn’t think that it would ethical or right. she agreed. she said that she would be happy to provide glowing references if asked. she was speechless. she understood why i couldn’t come back. it was all bittersweet.

i got in my car and cried. it was relief. relief that i wouldn’t have to put myself in any type of similar situation. relief that i could now move on. relief that the whole telling the supervisor I'm quitting part was over. i went home.

got a call from hubby bubby about three minutes after i walked in the door. his grandparents needed stuff at the grocery store. so i went to pick up grandpa and took him to the store. then went back and talked with him and grandma for a bit. they knew that we were going to the baseball game later, and grandma told me a story about a little boy named jose who went to a ball game for the first time in his life, and everyone was so concerned if he could see the field. cute.

the ball game. one of the families that i sit for occasionally offered us tickets for last night’s game. very sweet. great timing. so i left the grandparent’s house to pick up the tickets. the game was good, and a nice distraction. stadium hot dogs always make me happy. cards won 8-3 against the rockies. we had a fun time. it was so cold out though. so we bought jackets.

today. we went to see the fertility specialist this morning. that was fun. at least we have a better idea now of what’s going on and why i haven’t been able to get pregnant. i apparently have something called polycystic ovarian syndrome. basically it means that my body doesn't know how to ovulate. isn’t that nice. the doctor suggested several measures of treatment. all very enjoyable and cheap, of course. we’re going to stick with ockham’s razor on this one. simplest things first. and I'm especially freaking out about it bcs of the cost and I'm not sure how much longer i’ll have insurance unless i get another job or take cobra. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. and hubby bubby wonders why I'm so blue. he asked me again tonight if i was okay. sure. I'm about as good as someone who has a head injury, is unemployed and not able to get pregnant can be. aren’t i just a ball of sunshine.

i finally went to the grocery store today. first time in almost a month. saw a co-worker there with one of her clients. very awkward. very sad.

been feeling a little something like buyer’s remorse today. keep questioning if i did the right thing in quitting yesterday. i know for my own personal sanity, it was absolutely the right thing to do. but financially? no way. I'm so freaked out about the money. and health insurance. the cost is ridiculous to put me on my husband’s plan. cobra’s gonna be a lot too. I'm so scared of running through our savings. then what? i’ve been sending out a bunch of resumes. learning how to “apply online.” hate that. would much rather just fax my cv and cover letter. but I'm getting better. even emailed a bunch. whatever way they want it, right. i haven’t heard back from anywhere really. i’ve lost count of how many i sent out, but haven’t been hearing back one way or another. not even the thanks but no thanks form letters. hmmm... almost makes me wonder if they got them. nah, they’re probably buried under a pile of other ones on someone’s desk. and i haven’t heard from the place where i had two interviews. no news is good news?

yeah, i know i said that i’d come back with a better attitude. but i think that given the circumstances, it’s understandable why i haven’t. am i feeling sorry for myself? yes. absolutely.

on the up side... i finished the gorgeous rainbow shawl today. go me. just need to block it out now. ah, there’s my sunny attitude ;) can’t you hear it in my typing?!?! also dyed another skein of cascade 220, the last to finish my technicolor circle of death shawl. it’s drying in the garage. it was a pretty easy shawl to make. just tedious, hence, circle of death.

i better try to get some sleep. I'm meeting with one of my step-MIL’s employees tomorrow morning. she’s been helping me network, and he’s apparently very well connected. then i’ve got the garage door people coming out to look at the door. ever since hubby bubby tried to back out of the garage without opening the door first, the door just hasn’t been working right. go figure.

keep ya posted...