aftermath

it’s 230 in the fucking morning and i can’t sleep. my head is throbbing. there’s a huge knot on the side of my head, and i found the blood spot earlier. i finally, just now, succumbed to the pain and took a couple hydrocodone. i was actually prescribed vicodin, but didn’t fill the script. i hate these meds. knew that we had a couple scripts from previous surgeries that i could take if it came to it. i’ve been in and out of bed four times now. every time i think I'm ready for sleep - my body is tired enough, my mind has shut down - and i get in to bed, my mind keeps replaying the scenario, and i start crying and shaking. so i keep getting up and coming in here. looked at stuff on tivo for a bit. sought out random stuff to record. went back to bed. i played a trivia game for a while earlier. went to bed. got up bcs i couldn’t remember where my ipod was. so kept going back and forth between my office and the living room looking for it. finally found it. downloaded a bunch of pod-casts and videos from itunes. went back to bed. lasted all of about two minutes. started crying and shaking again. ransacked the bathroom pantry for the pain/sleep meds. took two hydrocodone. they don’t always work for me, and the side effects suck, but I'm desperate. and here i am. keep thinking about the violence. keep thinking about how i will handle the questions come monday. the head-tilted-well-meaning-but-often-patronizing “how are you?” the clients who want to know why I'm driving a rental car instead of my brand new element. the clients who want to know why i wasn’t answering my phone on friday, and why my supervisor was calling them to cancel my appointment with them. i have to figure out how i will handle going in to the office this week. i have to figure out how i will handle being out in the community this week. and i have to figure out how to tell the client whose home i was jacked in front of that i can’t pick him up from his residence any longer. that i will have to meet him in the community from here on out. that, no, we’re not going to switch him to another social worker bcs it’s not safe for any of us to be in his neighborhood. that it’s not safe for him to be in his neighborhood. that he’s going to have to take medicaid transportation to his doctor’s appointments, and find another way to get to walmart to shop for holiday presents for his grandsons. i am not looking forward to that conversation.

part of me wants to look for another job. one where I'm in an office all day. but i love the agency I'm with. there are no desk jobs at this time. and i love the work that I'm doing. and i know i would be bored in three seconds if i took a desk job. any where. and i know that running away from my fear is not going to change anything. the fear is always going to be there. the question of safety will always be there. I'm still trying to figure out why i felt the need to lock my car doors while in the drive thru at mcdonald’s right before going to that client’s home. it just seemed like a good idea. that may have been part of what saved me. bcs the asshole was trying to get in my car. the windows were up and the doors were locked. if ever a time to get religion.....

i don’t want to leave my job. I'm getting quiet pressure from my family. but in the year and a half that i’ve been with the agency, i’ve never felt unsafe going in to the neighborhoods that i go in to. and lucky me, i’ve set a new precedent at the agency. no one has ever had a gun to their head before. it’s amazing, really, when you think about the kind of places we all go in to every day. but i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. the supervisors are all saying that only they know at this point, and haven’t said anything to my co-workers. but i think they should. we should all know what to do in these situations, what to look out for. i know that there was nothing that i could’ve done differently. nothing. i got out with my life. that’s the important part. i know. hell if i know how i did it though.

if i could stop replaying it... it’s like a little horror movies. what sucks is that it’s the best horror movie i’ve seen in a long time! but we were watching this show last night, “drawn together.” this ep was a satire of the old fat albert cartoons. and they kept interspersing the cartoons with a real person acting all crazy like. at one point the guy takes out a gun and holds it to a woman’s head. lovely. wasn’t exactly the best thing for me to watch.

think I'm going to go try the couch. put on a movie. was trying to decide between labyrinth and empire records. think I'm gonna go with empire records. will hopefully fall asleep on the couch. it’s now 3am. great - now i’ve got that old KLF song in my head. points if you can sing the chorus...

lack of boredom

if i ever complain about my life being boring again, please, someone, remind me of yesterday.

i was waiting in my car outside a client’s home in north city. i’ve waited outside this client’s home at least two times a week for the last nine months. i’ve seen cars pull up along side me and people get out of them on each visit. nothing’s ever happened from it, and i’ve never thought twice about. from now on, i will always think about it.

so i was sitting in my car, minding my business, playing a game on the pda, about to call my client and tell him i was outside waiting for him. i was listening to music. been loving the built-in xm radio, and playing with channels. a green minivan pulled up along side me, and i saw a guy get out of the driver’s side.

the next thing i knew, the guy was standing at my window, pointing a gun in my face. i think i got confused. like maybe he wanted to talk with me or something. don’t know what i was thinking. the gun hadn’t registered yet. i slammed on the horn. thought maybe i could scare him or get someone’s attention. but then i think i realized what was going on. he was pounding on my window. i noticed that if i pulled forward i wouldn’t be able to get away. there was not enough room for me to angle out from behind the car parked in front of me. so i backed up. he kept pounding on my car. broke the back window with his gun. i might’ve screamed. he smacked me in the back of my head with his gun. he was yelling something. i had the music on. i put the car in drive, and got the hell out of there. i couldn’t breathe. i had been trying to call 911 on my work phone. it wasn’t working. i kept dialing 991. picked up my personal cell phone and was able to get my fingers to work right.

i ran two stop signs. kept looking in the mirror to see if they were following me. i didn’t know where i was going. i was heading back to the office. that was all i could think about. the 911 operator had me pull over somewhere safe. would never consider that area where i pulled over to be the safest. but she stayed on the phone with me until a cop came. called my supervisor. “uhm, i need coverage,” was the first thing that came out of my mouth. then i thought, screw professionalism. big mess. me.

the cops took my statement, then took me to where they had a couple guys in custody. they found a couple guys matching my description two blocks from where it all happened. unfortunately, after viewing them from a distance, i couldn’t positively ID them. that part sucks. would’ve loved to be able to ID them. it all happened so fast.

the adrenaline rush was mind-altering. i couldn’t think. i finally called hubby bubby when i felt calm enough. but i couldn’t hold it together. had to pull him out of a session. he’s such a trooper. left immediately, wanted to come to where i was, still in the city. i told him that i would be home soon.

barely got myself home. called the insurance company on the way. called my supervisor back. called the executive director of my agency back. everyone was very supportive.

i stopped breathing when i got home and saw hubby bubby. it was strongly suggested that i go to the e/r to checked out. so i had hubby bubby take me. everyone wanted to know the story. but they were very nice at the hospital. did a CT scan of my brain to make sure there was no injury. there’s a big bump on my head, and a small blood spot. but they didn’t find anything internally. got a hold of my parents somewhere in there, and they came to the hospital to sit with us. i was finally discharged, and hubby bubby and i got chinese take out. spent the rest of the night on the couch, trying to block things out of my head.

no surprise that i couldn’t sleep. i think we finally turned the light out around 1230 or so. poor hubby, since he had to get up this morning for work. i was given the day off. which was another big DUH. i got up and played on the computer for a while. took a couple tylenol p.m. to knock me out. was so groggy this morning. but at least i slept.

been on the couch most of the day. and on the phone trying to get the car straightened out. my brand new car is a mess. it’s only 6 weeks old. I'm so upset about it. but it’s fixable. the back window is busted out and there’s glass all over the place. the front window has gun scratches all over it. there are a bunch of deep scrapes and scratches on the body. had to retell to the car guy. but they towed the car to the body shop, and arranged for my rental car.

so that’s my story. I'm okay. i think. groggy from the tylenol. today’s mom’s bday. we’re going out to dinner with my parents tonight. tomorrow is one of our anniversaries, me and hubby bubby. five years since we got back together. three years since he proposed. think we’re going to stay home, watch movies, order pizza. we’ll see.

talked with my supervisor earlier. i just want to get on with stuff. won’t do me any good to wallow and stay home. planning on being back at work on monday. gotta talk with this client, though. I'm not going to be able to pick him up at his residence any longer. it’s not a safe area. he’s not going to like this. so we have to figure out how to talk with him about this.

i’ve got to go get myself together for dinner tonight. as i say every time, i need to write more. and i need to be better about it. we’ll see. I'm not holding my breath...

ramblings

the last two weeks have been an utter mess. frustrating. confusing. aggravating. feeling lost and without direction. lots of theories and hypotheses, but still no answers. we do know now, after seeing the doc yesterday, that it wasn’t an actual miscarriage. doc thinks that my hormone levels are screwy which created a false positive. so emotionally draining. she took three vials of blood to run a bunch of tests. now waiting on the results. suggested progesterone to kick start me, then clomid. clomid is scary. hubby bubby and i talked a lot about it. it increases the chances of having multiples. yikes! said if we get multiples we’re through having kids and he’s getting snipped! the multiples thing is scary. but we can’t do anything until we hear the results from the doc. so more waiting. but if we go the way of the progesterone and clomid, should be easy from there. hate this. we shouldn’t have these problems.

went to anniversary din with mom and dad last night. new place, franco. not bad. late night.

we’re all official at the ethical society. it’s a neat place. very open and friendly. got tagged to start a knitting and crochet group. didn’t mean to. but the application asked what kinds of groups we’d like to see at the es, and i wrote k&c for charity. that got turned in to “wants to start this group.” so i had several people approach me after platform last week about participating in it. so i guess that’s what I'm doing.

got the knit/crochet out at faust park this weekend. should be fun. we need more people to participate though. got a lot to do tonight for it that i’ve been putting off. bad me.

we’ve had some interesting connections lately. joined this online community that a friend told me about, and was immediately tagged bay girl i went to elementary school with, among other people. she married a guy that hubby bubby was friends with in high school. so we might get together some time. interesting.

so, hubby bubby and i celebrated 2 years last week. go us! we were supposed to go out with mom and dad that night, but dad was sick, so hubby bubby and i went out for bbq instead. yum. it’s been an amazing two years. november will be 19 years since our 1st date. wow. so much change and growth. have to acknowledge that.

and hubby bubby is starting college next month. crazy. so proud of him. it’s an online BA in graphic arts. AND he’s been looking on line at monster.com for a new job. he’s thinking about leaving the studio. that’s amazing. he’s so done there. there’s nothing there for him. the studio’s being run in to the ground and he doesn’t want to take it over anymore. don’t blame him. he’s so undervalued there. I'm surprised he put up with it for so long. i know why he did, but i know i would’ve been gone a long time ago. but I'm so happy for him.

devastation

found out yesterday that we are not pregnant. think we miscarried. not exactly sure what’s going on. but i went to the doc on monday for a blood test, and they called tuesday morning to tell me that all their labs came back negative. so we tested again last night and it was negative. so confused. went back to the doc for another blood test today at their request. they said that they tested the monday labs twice. so the best we can figure out is that at some point i was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. i had to have been at some point in order for the test to get a positive, and to be on day 57. today is 57 and counting. so angry. confused. feel humiliated. but this is something that i guess happens to everyone. and better to miscarry now than six months from now. so i don’t know. we’re really upset. our families are upset for us. hubby bubby sent me flowers today. so sweet. it actually worked out that i only had one client today, early this morning, so i was home by 1130, and that’s after going to the doc. so it was a nice lazy day for me. sat on the couch most of the day catching up on tivo. watched a great movie on lifetime about teen syphilis. so i got flowers, and my dad stopped by. i know he and mom are having a hard time with this too. they were so excited about being grandparents - they didn’t think it would ever happen. we just feel so let down. after six months of trying... we’ll keep going, but i know, at least for me, it’ll be hard to be excited about the next positive test until we get some kind of doctor confirmation and past this part of it. it’s kinda like when i was fired from that place after only a day and a half without explanation, and then going to work at adapt. i was on edge for the first few days waiting for the shoe to drop. now i know that it was an anomaly and wasn’t going to happen like that again. kinda like the irrational thoughts i was having yesterday. i know they were totally irrational, but i was looking for some explanation. i irrationally thought that i jinxed us by saying “guess I'm not pregnant anymore” when the digital read on the pregnancy test went out monday night. i know that’s stupid, but i was so angry and trying to figure it out. or maybe we jinxed it by telling everyone immediately. another irrational thought. I'm getting all “therapist-y” on myself here. hubby’s trying to be strong for me, but i know that he’s devastated too. and i know that shocks him to the core. he didn’t think he’d ever want kids. and i know that he’s shocked at how much he’s wanted to have one the last few months. how much we both want this. so we know that it’ll happen. we hope that it’ll happen. now we just have the daunting task of telling everyone we’ve already told that we’re not pregnant this go around.

this sucks

yesterday...

we found out that we're pregnant! Omg! So excited. Still trying to figure out if it's real. Hubby and i have been flipping out.


We tested when we got back from oregon. I think we were at or around day 40 by then. But it was negative. Tested again a few days later, before we left for nashville. Still negative. Called the dr. They said to wait a week, and then test again if i didn't start. So we went to nashville (more on that later), got back and tested last wednesday. Still negative. Called the dr AGAIN. Made an appt to go in later in the month. They were talking about fertility drugs and testing my levels, etc. All that fun stuff. So yesterday i was thinking about it. Wasn't showing any signs of starting. Had some mild cramping in oregon, and very little in nashville. There was one test left in the box, and i thought "what the hell." i've been splurging on the digital tests since i can't make heads or tails out of the "analog" ones for the life of me! So the digital ones read "pregnant" or "not pregnant." very simple for me to follow. I've gotten so used to seeing the ones that read "not pregnant" that i had to do a double take. Hubby was home in his office, so i took the test in to him. He wass floored. We were both speechless. A lot of "oh my godding." a lot of happy crying. We called his mom first (she lives in maine, and we were going to be leaving to see my parents right after). She cried too. My parents... Are very excited. We went in to my parent's kitchen, and my mom was at the table. Dad came in and asked hubby about his test (another back story that i will explain later). Hubby was standing behind me with his arms around me and his head on my shoulder. He was confused bcs he thought they were talking about MY test already. So i said "different test." mom and dad looked confused, and i just blurted out with it. Couldn't finess my way through it. They're thrilled. Mom cried, then promptly ordered a margarita at the mexican restaurant! She told me today that she thinks that instead of being called "grandma" she'd liked to be called "queen." i told her we'd think about it. Crazy.

So that's my story about that. I'M PREGNANT. Yea!!!!

Now for the back stories...

Hubby decided a few weeks ago that he'd like to get a college degree. He currently has only a high school diploma. He's talked about this on and off for a few years. Refuses to call to a "brick and mortar" school though. He found an on-line degree program in graphic design - the art institute of pittsburgh. It's supposedly pretty prestigious. So he applied, was accepted, enrolled. Had to take a placement test yesterday for math and english (the aforementioned test). He passed. Classes start in october.

Nashville was very cool. A whole town devoted to country music? Sign me up! We went to the grand ole opry. Very fun. Toured the hermitage and belle meade plantations. Bought me a digital camera. Welcome to the 21st century. So there will be pictures from time to time. What else did we do in nashville? Got aggravated with hotel staff. The hotel listing on-line was vague about the shuttle servive, but noted that they offered free shuttle service to the airport, opry & downtown area. Well, they failed to mention that the airport service is only on the hour, and that the opry is only once every four hours. There was a whole bruhaha about the opry shuttle since we had tickets. It got worked out. But we were not happy campers. Oh - we went to the country music hall of fame and the old rca studio b. Very cool. Played glow-in-the-dark mini golf. Went on a ghost tour of the city. Took a horse and carriage ride through the downtown area. Went to ernest tubbs record co, a place that has only country and bluegrass. Nice.

What other stories can i tell today? I should be working on my notes for work. Didn't plan on writing for an hour while waiting for a client to be out of her doctor's appt. Hee hee. No yarn for me today. Wanted to do some of the journaling instead. Get ready for baby journaling!

road trippin' across the oregon coast

been all over the past two days. Yesterday, we went in to coos bay, charleston, north bend, and coquille. Neat little towns. North bend is the only one bigger than bandon. But charleston has a yarn store. Ooh - i broke down and bought one of those colinette afghan kits. It's amazing what one can justify expending while on vacation. I couldn't resist - the yarns are so beautiful. I bought the "rustic" colorway - thought it would go well on our couch at home, all greens, golds, reds and browns. So exited. Anyway. I digress.

we drove off the beaten path of all these little 30-second towns, and found some real charm. Hubby's grandfather grew up in coquille, so we drove around to find the high school, hoping we would be able to go in and maybe find some memorabilia or yearbooks. But there wasn't anyone there except for the practicing football team. Oh well. We wondered in to some "treasure" stores, and spent some time in a used book store. I found some great old pattern books and leaflets.

also, in coos bay, we found what thought was an adorable little park. Mingus park looked a little like oak knoll park from the street. There was a pretty man-made lake with a lot of ducks. A nice-sized playground with REAL swings. We decided to walk the path around the lake. We were very surprised to find that the park was the mouth of a gorgeous forest of walking paths. So we spent an hour wandering through parts of it, finding an asian-themed garden with a bridge and pagoda, beautiful flower beds, and lots and lots of trees. Which, after all, is the majority population of oregon!

Today we drove south on 101, and headed out to langlois and port orford. half way there we decided to take a detour to cape bianco. Hubby likes to look at lighthouses. Another beautiful view from the landing. We actually got to go up in the lighthouse, and learn about its history. The history was interesting, but not so much my thing, but the view was spectacular. Nothing but blue sky and white-crested waves to see. How horrible is that? Then we went to the hughes house, which is the house that the lighthouse keepers lived in way back when (yes, if i'd been paying attention, i'd be able to list the exact date). The house was a 7-bedroom/1-bath victorian, with its very own chapel room. Interesting to see, but none of the furniture or decor was authentic. Oh well. Off to port orford.

We walked along the beach at port orford, which is much smaller than our bandon beach (and a lot smellier). But the weather was lovely, even down by the water. We thought about going out to gold beach, near the oregon/california border (only about 30 minutes from where we were in port orford), but there was some road construction, and we decided to turn back. But we were driving along the highway which overlooked the ocean - absolulely amazing.

We're home now. Late afternoon, just hanging out. Last time we came to bandon, we stayed in bandon, didn't do much of anything (do we blame that on the rain? Or on our own laziness?). This time we're trying to take little day trips and see and do stuff.

My kool-aid dyed yarn is hanging outside to dry now. I accidently felted some of it while trying to make it dry faster. Oops. Oh well. It's not ruined - just a little thicker than it was before. Valuable lesson in patience there. I was concerned that it wasn't drying due to the moisture in t he house. It wasn't drying because it's wool and takes a long time to dry. Lesson learned. Am hoping to take it up to the yarn store when it dries to wind up.

okay. Off to sit and do nothing. Or sit and knit. Would love to get my round rainbow ripple shawl done while we're here. Not sure if that'll happen or not, but worth a shot. Off i go...

what a colorful world

so we're here in bandon, oregon, hubby bubby and i. Absolutely gorgeous out here. Came out on the 18th, and here until the 26th. So absolutely love this place. Virtually nothing to do. We took a long walk on the beach this morning. Hubby got lots of great pix. I actually climbed up on a couple rocks. Did some exploring. Saw lots of starfish and jellyfish. Picked up some cool rocks. Oh - yesterday we went to the Safari, this huge petting zoo right outside of town. I made friends with some goats, deer and rams. Saw some beautiful un-sheared yarn (aka: sheep). Pet a baby black bear. Saw tiger cubs snoozing. Almost got spit at by a llama. All in a day's work. Also had my first taste of fish and chips. Don't know why i've never had them before. Just relaxing. The view from this house is so amazing. I could just sit and watch the waves crash into the beach all day. The weather is beautiful - mid-60s/70s. Such a nice relief from the melt-your-face-off 100s of stl before we left. It's a completely different world out here. We keep talking about moving out here. But don't know that it'll ever happen. Now we're thinking maybe portland. It's a (much) bigger city with more opportunities. Only six hours from bandon. We'll see. Wouldn't happen for a few years yet. We were looking at real estate costs in bandon, and it's ridiculous. Anything that we would even remotely consider is way out of our price range. So portland may be the better option.

Went to the lys today. Yes, they actually have one here. Was very excited to see that it was still in business from the last time we were here. Wasn't sure if it would be or not. So we went in there after lunch. They have a very nice selection, and fair prices. Saw a couple books that i've never seen before, so might go back over there later in the week. My wonderful hubby bubby is so good about sitting an waiting on me while i oogle yarn. He got to play with the shop dogs (baby chihuahuas) while i looked around. I went in with a specific purpose in mind: inexpensive white wool for hand dying. A while back, think when i went to the knit out in minneapolis (feb 16-18, 07), i got a hand-out on how to dye yarn using kool-aid. I've never had time to really try it. But out in bandon, there's nothing but time. So i brought it with me, and just finished dying my first hank of yarn! I bought two hanks of white cascade 220. Omg - this is so much fun. I bought five packets of kool-aid at the store yesterday (cherry, lemonade, lime, blue raspberry, and grape)just to start with. Plus, i couldn't decide on a starter color combo! And of course when it came time to decide today, i couldn't. Asked hubby bubby what he thought, and he says "i like all of them." so i have rainbow/tie-dyed yarn. So far it looks pretty cool. And soooo easy. Now hubby says all i ever need to buy again is white yarn! Hmmm.... Knitpicks sells different weights of white wool specifically for dying. They also have actual dyes, as do other places, but if the kool-aid is working... And there are so many different things to do with kool-aid. So this is so simple. My first dyed hank is cooling right now. I've got the second hank in the pre-soak bath. Just about ready to dye. Already planning on buying more yarn and kool-aid!

and i think to myself, what a colorful world....

ghost

just when i think that things are okay, BOOM! comes out of nowhere. i know I'm over-exaggerating. but I'm upset, and I'm allowed. hubby bubby and i talked about our earlier conversation, and worked through it. but when he came home and told me that they didn’t talk about the gift amount, it made me angry. then, while moving his bday presents from his dad off the dining room table so we could play backgammon, i saw the bday card from his dad. just made me sad. made me feel really small and insignificant since i’ve become invisible since this whole thing began. no bday cards, my grad school graduation was ignored, and last xmas i didn’t exist. serious. there was nothing for me. and of course we couldn’t have xmas with his family like we used to do. but it was a huge slap in the face to be ignored. just hit me again tonight. now I'm all sad and melancholy. gotta snap out of it.

birthday blues

so yesterday was hubby bubby’s bday. it was a bust. ended up badly. this thing with his dad has just gotten out of control. it’s been well over a year and nothing’s changed. every time we make an overture at amends, it gets rebuffed. it sucks. it sucks more for hubby bubby. we tried at xmas to rebuild the relationship, we tried at father’s day. nothing. nada. zip. his dad doesn’t want things to change. then, his dad asked him about his bday plans, and wanted to have din with him last night. hubby said that he was having din with me. talk about putting hubby in a bad spot. let’s see... please choose between your father and your wife. that sucks. he chose me. but then... my parents called and asked what we were doing, and if they could take us out. hubby bubby said sure, and named the place. great dinner, everything good. then guess who walks in? oh it was horrible. so fake. bcs of course he brought the witch with him. then his dad had his feelings hurt. and hubby and i got in to it bcs feelings are still hurt. and he’s going out to din with his dad tonight, and i am not included in those plans. it’s ridiculously stupid. family events are strained. we don’t know what else to do. we keep extending the olive branch, and he keeps chopping it away. so hubby and i kinda got in to it last night. he’s angry. i'm angry. no bday sex was had. enough said?

then we were talking earlier this afternoon about his dinner with his dad tonight. i think my feelings are hurt that he’s not fighting harder for me. i was not invited to this dinner, but hubby didn’t say anything to his dad about me joining them, or checking with his wife about it. he just took it for a given that i was not invited. AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

i feel bad for hubby. this has not been easy on him. not been easy on us as a couple. he just feels so powerless. meanwhile, we’re selling our rental property to his dad. hubby has this laisez faire attitude about it. meanwhile, since I'm the one who handles all our money and financial stuff, I'm pushing for details. hubby’s just like, it’ll get done whenever and for whatever amount... huh? this has been in the works for six months now. it was supposed to be done at the end of may. we’ve been losing money on it ever since. his dad’s been taking his sweet time on it. it’s finally done. should be by tomorrow. but after the sale of the house is final, his dad will be gifting us money to cover the rest of the house cost (the official sale price is a lesser amount to avoid pesky sales and personal property taxes). but the kicker is, we don’t know what the gifted amount will be. i think this is important information to have. hubby just says that we’ll know when we see it. uh, no. doesn’t work for me. i guess they’re gonna talk about it tonight at dinner. hopefully things will be better after that.

oh, i’d rather be knititng...

when the lights go out

good movies i’ve seen this summer in the theater...

- harry potter and the order of the phoenix (speaks for itself)

- knocked up (absolutely hilarious, could not stop laughing, almost [almost] made us rethink the mini)

- i now pronounce you chuck & larry (almost as funny as "knocked up")

- ocean’s 13 (better than 12, almost as good as 11)

- the simpson’s movie (spider-pig, spider-pig, does whatever a spider-pig does, can he swing from a web?, no he can’t cause he’s a pig, look out!, here comes the spider-pig... need i say more?)

- bourne ultimatum (omg! so good)

- hot rod (almost as funny as “anchorman” and “talledega nights”)

time wasted

so aggravated with time lately. There's either not enough of it, or on rare occasions, too much of it. Having trouble finding that balance. I think my trouble lies in the patience of time. So maybe i'm not really aggravated with tiem, but with my lack of patience. Know that that i'm absolutely aggravated at my lack of patience, which, of course, just makes me more aggravated. I've noticed over the last few weeks i've had less and less patience for people who waste my time. It's not that i feel like my time is more valuable than any one else's. I just feel a generqal loss of respect from people in terms of wasting time. Mostly it comes from my clients. I've had several clients as of late who have shown a blatent disregard for our time together, which i feel is disrespectful to me personally. This morning i waited 45 minutes for a client to be ready to go. I was there on time. He wasn't ready, and took his sweet time. It wasn't a personal attack towards me, but i was angry. Yesterday, a client was in her pjs eating breakfast (at noon) when i arrived, and it as almost two hours later that we were finally able to leave. Yes, i was angry. But the thing is, i can still bill for that time, and it ended up as a consequence for both clients later on in the appointment since there was not enough time to do what they wanted to do due to their tardiness. This gets me. I feel like i bust my ass to get where i'm supposed to be on time, and i have very little patience for people who are consistently running late. I feel that it's rude and disrespectful. And i've just hadd a lot of it lately. Then i have to remember that my clients have a mental illness that might prevent them from being on time, blah blah blah. It's a huge balance between what i can toleerate perrsonally, and what i can tolerate professionally. Sometimes it's hard for me to diferentiate between the two, especially when it comes down to time.

I just don't feel like i have enough of it lately. There are so many things that i'd like to be doing, but there are not enough hours in the day. I want to write more. I want to knit and crochet more. I want to spend more time with my husband. i want to do my work paperwork better. i want i want i want

the mini

so the conversation and chaos started after i got back from minneapolis (the knitting convention is a whole other story. Remind me later to tell about it). Hubby bubby and i were at hacienda having dinner on 3/19. There was a cute little girl about 10 months old with her family - duh, with her family, not there on her own! Anyway. I told hubby bubby that "i want one of those." and he said, "you know what? So do i." what? so yeah. Wow. This is the guy who said he never wanted to get married, never wanted to have kids. He obviously changed in mind about getting married. Now he's changed his mind about having kids. This is huge.

so for two days that's all we talked about. All the different aspects of having kids. Money. Schools. Religion. Etc... It was crazy. And we talked about waiting until the end of the summer to start trying. Give us a little time to get used to it all. Get money in order. All of that good stuff. I called my obgyn to find out about getting off the pill, and what would happen with that. Was told that they suggest stopping the pill about three months before we want to get started on the trying part. Also said that it's possible to become pregnant before those three months are up. So that part was taken care of. Also checked out my agency's maternity leave policy. Always good to know. Looked in to short term disability benefits as well. By wednesday we were talked out. We said we either have to shit or get off the pot. We either have to start trying immediately, or quit talking about it. Told hubby bubby it was u p to him. He chose to start trying. Oh boy!

So we went to borders and bought pregnancy mags and a couple books, one of names. Hubby bubby bought a book for expectant fathers. So cute.

Then the trying and the waiting began. The trying part's fun. The waiting part, not so much. My body was going nuts, trying to figure it all out without the synthetic hormones. Did lots of ovulation tests. I'm learning more about hormones than i ever wanted to know. I mean, really, it was so easy for those girls in high school!!!! And my 19yo step-cousin is pregnant. Told hubby bubby maybe we should get drunk - that seemed to work for the hs and college girls. He didn't like that idea too much ☺

so this was all in the last 48 days. Been frantically following my cycle on a little on-line calendar. really thought that we were pregnant for a while. My boobs hurt sooooo bad. Never felt that before. And i was nauseous for about two weeks. So on day 36 when nothing was happening either way, i called the obgyn. Told me to wait another week, and if nothing was happening, to call again. So i called on day 46, and they had me come in for a blood test yesterday. Then wouldn't you know it, i start spotting today. Knew that would happen. Just got the call a little bit ago that the blood test was negative, and the dr wants to see me. So i'm going to go in next week.

this has been the absolute longest month of my life. Ever. Between march 2nd and today.... Wow. Really don't want to keep going through this, though i know i don't have much choice if we want to get pregnant and have littles.

the as of yet conceived child is alternatively referred to as "the mini" or "a little." i like calling it a "mini."

we already have names picked out. Isn't that silly. But we knew that would be the hardest part for us. I have modern names, hubby likes traditional. So we've settled on somewhere in between.

so i'm typing this up while at starbucks, waiting for a client who doesn't seem to want to show. I'll give her a few more minutes. This frustrates me. Not just the loss of units (billable time at work), but the waiting, and the inconsistency of this client. Oh well. Had my hot chocolate, got some work done.

blah blah

i know i was planning on writing more. i have good intentions. just busy. been on the couch since friday following ankle surgery. painful. got the bandages taken off today; the stitches come out next week. dr. says it’s healing nicely. i’ve been bored. watching stupid stuff on the tiro. cuddling with the kitties. hubby bubby’s been wonderful. taking such good care of me. i feel so bad that he’s waiting on me hand and foot. I'm going to minneapolis this weekend for a knit-out event. I'm going with a girlfriend, so it should be interesting. not planning on doing a lot of shopping. i’ll just find somewhere to sit and be happy. now to choose a project to bring... thinking of making a mohair shawl. been working off and on a blanket and lace shawl. but i need to bring something that doesn’t require a lot of attention or concentration.work is good. it was crazy there for a while. i got the highest unit average last month. not much else is going on there. just busy. i’ve got one client who is in the process of transitioning from female to male. that’s somewhat exciting. it’s been an interesting process, and I'm glad that i get to be a part of it.valentine’s day... we’re not doing much. think we’re going to red lobster and then to kayak’s to make smores. it’s the coolest thing that kayak’s has. you can make smores over a fondue-like flame. this was all hubby bubby’s idea. we were also looking at amethyst heart rings the last time we were at the mall. he’s so cute.