Monday, September 18, 2006


what a difference a few hours makes. after i ranted the other night, things changed. we both sulked for a little while, but then talked it all out. i don’t know why i always jump to the worst, but i know that nothing will ever change with us. we’re good. we’re always good.

our anniversary was wonderful. started celebrating thursday night by having dinner with sal at modesto - yummy tapas. then on friday, our 1st wedding anni, we had dinner at trattoria marsala. mom and dad surprised us by calling in payment for dinner. got cards from family with money and gift cards. we always thought that the 1st wedding anni was paper, but apparently in our family, it’s food. sal gave us a gift card to cheesecake factory - sooo yum. m&d paid for our anni dinner. hubby bubby’s dad even gave us gift certificates to the melting pot, and cash (huge surprise).

so anyway. it was a nice anni and a nice anni wknd.

today is monday. i hate mondays. was in a car accident this morning. had a client in the car. me and another car backed in to each other. a witness said it was my fault. i dunno. could swear that i looked before moving. it just happened. the other car had no damage. mine’s a little worn. the plastic covering the rear tail light got busted out. there’s a small crater in the door of the hatch. it’s not pretty. but hopefully it’ll get fixed on wednesday. for a minimal cost. yikes!

anyway. that was my day. sorta. the morning anyway. the afternoon was spent with a client who’s a bit on the zealous side. so well. gonna fold laundry. fun. later.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

the scream

so two days before our first wedding anniversary it’s been decided that things have gone to shit. lovely, actually. apparently, my husband doesn’t want to kiss me, touch me, and it’s my fault. uh, duh. we’ve gotten into this routine, sucks as it does. he comes home from work, gives me a few chaste obligatory kisses, then we sit down to the dinner that i’ve cooked for us. after that, he does the dishes (willingly, i might add) and then we sit on the couch and watch tv. then i get into bed around 930 or 10, read a little, then fall asleep, usually by 1030, if not before. i get up for work around 7, sometimes earlier; he doesn’t get up until 830 or 9. by 8p I'm exhausted and half falling asleep. and he says it’s my choice that we do nothing but watch tv, and sometimes he sits with me. he doesn’t want to watch tv. then why doesn’t he ever fucking say anything? and he has never once asked me to put my book down while in bed. so how am i supposed to know if he wants to do anything except read? by that time at night, sometimes, there’s nothing else i really want to do. i don’t work at cushy 10-6 like he does. i work 830-5, and the lines are extremely blurry. if a client schedules an appointment for 8a, that means i have to pick them up by 730a at the latest, which means i have to be out the door by 7a at the latest, which means that i have to get my butt out of bed by 615a at the latest. so what can i do about that? and he wonders why I'm in bed so early. bcs I'm freaking exhausted from running around all day. I'm from one end of the city to another and back all day. so yes, after I'm working all day, and come home and make dinner FROM SCRATCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, pretty much all i want to do is vege on the couch. i’ve got no mind for playing backgammon or cards. I'm a mess by that time. and he doesn’t want to do anything to change the way things are. i would love for things to change. i hate this. but he makes absolutely no overtures whatsoever. he says, it’s not up to me to tell you to put your book down or turn off the tv. uhm, yeah. if you want me to, dammit, just say something. then don’t get pissed at me when i say something about it. I'm not a friggin mind reader. and I'm not a beggar, either. i hate this. i hate not talking. we’ve always been able to talk about everything. why not now? wounded pride? my ass. i tried talking about it earlier tonight, but he doesn’t want to do anything to get things to change. i can’t change being exhausted, but i can change how i channel it. we just don’t talk anymore. we talk about our days over dinner, but he’s been listening less and less and interrupting more, and I'm too tired to fight about it. we don’t talk about much else. doesn’t seem like much to say. we talked circles when we went to kansas city for labor day wknd. we talked about stuff we hadn’t talked about in a while. we talked about the logistics of having kids. he said he’s finally warming to it. if we weren’t in debt up to our eyeballs from the new house and student loans... anyway. we come home, and nada. nothing. zip. sucks. i don’t know what to do now. like i said, two days away from our first wedding anni. I'm tired, he’s tired. just doesn’t seem right. seems ironic. every couple goes through this, right? we’ve been together forever and haven’t gone through this. yes, we broke up many times as kids. but this is different. we’re adults. at least i thought we were.