baby on the brain

had the first ultrasound yesterday!!!!!! so exciting. baby is 5-mm long (1/6 of an inch), and 6 weeks old. crazy for all the nausea I'm having. hubby bubby and i are being incredibly dorky. showing off our first baby pictures. but we’re excited. and like i just finished telling a friend, we’re probably exactly like the millions of first-time expectant parents before us, but since this is so new to us, we feel dorky. and are probably boring and annoying people to death already. trying not to. we’re just excited. after trying for sooooooo long... hubby bubby beshert has been a little gigglebot the last few days. it’s so cute.

went to the zoo today with a girlfriend and her daughter. lots of fun. really nice day out. baby isn’t letting me eat very much, or very healthy. but i guess right now i just eat what i can. so far the “morning sickness” hasn’t been too bad. just constant nausea and mild cramping. here’s hoping it stays this way ☺

DEFINITELY!!!!!!

okay, so 8 tests between thursday and this morning. had the blood test on friday. the doctors all laughed at me when i asked their professional opinions about the number of positive tests. got the official results this afternoon: I AM PREGNANT!!!!! i promised no more peeing on sticks. hubby bubby was laughing at me every morning when i would test. but i just couldn’t believe it. still can’t. we go for the ultrasound tomorrow.

we are obviously thrilled. it’s been a long crazy year of all this trying. we weren’t even really trying this last cycle bcs of my head injury. i know, too much information.

saturday was passover. lots of people at my parent’s house. i was so nauseous i couldn’t eat. ate matzoh throughout the entire service, and two and half matzoh balls for dinner. had to keep going outside for fresh air. it was all the food smells. once they were gone i started to feel better.

so our families are of course over the moon. mom and dad are freaking out as much as we are. mom has been restraining dad from telling everyone until we knew for sure. just got an email from a girlfriend, and she’s pregnant too! and about as far along as i am (6 weeks, we think). so now i have a pregnancy buddy. hurray!

I'm trying to breathe and concentrate on other things, but it’s very difficult ☺

maybe???

big week for me... passed the licensure exam on monday (yeah yeah, i know, enough already), was offered a job today, AND... had three positive pregnancy tests. breathe.

which news first? the job. had my third meeting at bgtm this afternoon. it was to meet with the new residential director to make sure that we click. i met with the vp first, the with the rd. the new rd is nice. she’s brand new. anyway. she offered me the position, and i accepted. start on may 5th. residential therapist. own office. bigger salary. very happy. feeling very surreal.

while i was getting ready for the meeting earlier, i decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm on day 45 or something, very mild cramping. i was vomiting last week, and i never vomit. thought it might be food poisoning or something, but it wasn’t anything that i ate that night. kept meaning to test, but every time i have in the past, my period’s started the next day. so didn’t want to waste the time or money. but thought, what the hell, earlier. been nauseous and light-headed lately. oh wow. it was positive. called hubby bubby. he’s excited. but it’s so hard after last time. i’ve taken three tests so far and they’ve all been positive. so i’ll test again in the morning, and call the doc if it’s still positive. it was very hard to concentrate during the meeting at bgtm. i keep checking the tests to make sure I'm reading them right.

will keep ya posted...

go me!

i passed!!!! hurray!!!! there are not enough exclamation points to express how happy i am that i passed and never have to take that damn exam again. it was a bitch. absolutely ridiculous. but it’s over. took it on the 14th. i have never studied so hard for an exam in my whole entire life. never. i even made flash cards. yes, flash cards. they were helpful. i was a nervous wreck throughout the whole exam. test anxiety ran rampant. would be fine for a little bit, then would start thinking about the ramifications of failing the test. have a little panic attack. talk myself off the ledge. the test was like nothing that i prepared for. nothing. i held my breath as i waited for the results. had to take this survey about the testing center before getting my score. i thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest waiting. i still don’t know what my actual score was. but it doesn’t really matter. all that matters is that i passed. and that i never have to take the test again. i would like to know my score, though. or maybe not. but i started a blog about the exam with some tips that helped me. apparently, according to several personal sources, not many people pass it on the first try. whew!

my darling hubby bubby beshert sent me flowers. he’s so cute. we went to chang’s that night to celebrate. sal took us out last night. and we went out with grandma tonight. but that was bcs grandpa is out of town. we didn’t tell her about the exam. not sure she would’ve gotten it. my parent’s haven’t offered to do anything special for me. kinda sad about that. i know they know the importance of the exam. I'm sorry - I'm feeling a little self-important right now. very proud of myself. don’t mean to be boastful and overall full of myself. just happy that I'm done with the blasted thing.

have a third meeting with bgtm tomorrow afternoon. meeting with the new residential director. hopefully this will be the last meeting before an offer is extended. made my first cobra payment today - not happy about that. don’t want to do that for another month.

so relieved about our taxes. they were about $7000 less than we thought they were going to be. yeah, that much. we sold our rental property last year, and were expecting to pay a huge capital gains tax. we had enough charitable donations and other deductions to offset the capital gains taxes. we still owed money, but it wasn’t nearly as much as we thought it would be. so we’re happy. plus, the tax accountant found errors in our 2004-2006 taxes, so we’re going to be getting a refund from those years. I'm still freaking out about money. will continue freaking out until i resume being gainfully employed.

speaking of... i went by my old office last week to return the emergency car kit and fire extinguisher. felt totally dismissed. they weren’t exactly rude, but they weren’t friendly either. had to keep telling myself that it was business, not personal. my former supervisor acted totally indifferent towards me. it hurt. i understand that i sorta put them in a bad position having to fill my job without real notice. but like she said at the time, it was expected. they knew it was coming. after everything, it hurt.

made a bunch of beaded stitch markers today. need to take pictures so i can list them on etsy. it was fun. went to kirkwood knittery yesterday. bought myself some koigu as a celebratory present. loooooove koigu. need to do some finishing of projects.

all good things people....

nerd alert

busy week. been spending most of it studying for the licensing exam. it’s scheduled. been pretty mean about not telling anyone when it’s scheduled for. don’t need any more pressure. i put enough on myself as it is. still scary. test anxiety is lessening. never studied this much for an exam before in my life. but i’ve been at starbucks and the library for most of the day. doing all right on the practice tests. but am starting to memorize the questions and answers. need to make sure I'm memorizing the material instead. from what i understand, the test is pure memorization. so based on the practice exams, i know where my weaknesses are and can focus on them.

oh, this is frustrating: hadn’t heard anything back from the doctor with test results from last week, so i called yesterday. they couldn’t find where they sent my blood for testing. that really instilled confidence in my doctor. they said, we’re sorry but we don’t know where it is. then, i get a third call back from the office asking when and where i gave the sample. uhm, in your office after the consultation. frustrating. they called me back today to let me know that they found the sample and had some of the results. everything looked good. so just going from there.

what else? still interviewing. got the third call from bgtm. they’re very interested. going for a drug screening tomorrow for them. i’ve been unofficially offered a position with them pending a passing score on the licensing exam. so that’s really good. talked with the vp there on monday, and she wants for me to call her after the exam. then she’s going to set up a meeting with me and the new residential therapy director. but the unspoken offer is there. had an interview today with another residential agency that is attached to a children’s psychiatric hospital. they want to see me again for a second interview late next week. so we’ll see. I'm not counting my chickens yet...

haven’t been doing anything except studying really. watching a little tv. i was about to mention how boring my life is, but we all know what happens when i do that...

miss mary sunshine

yea: more not sleeping. i was almost asleep until i had some random vision of a guy getting in my car and pulling out a gun. joy. figured i better type it out.

so. yesterday i quit. it was so raw and emotional. so difficult to do. and i struggled with it. had gone to the doctor for a follow up. she said that my head’s gonna hurt for a while. the bruising will disappear on it’s own, both on my hand and my head. and i was definitely fighting with ptsd. she wrote me out for another two weeks. hmmm... i had already decided that i wasn’t going back to work, and was planning on quitting anyway. she suggested that i take the two weeks to think about it, use the workman’s comp time, then go in and quit. i didn’t think that was a very ethical choice, and told her so. it just didn’t seem right.

but i continued to struggle with the option on the way to the office. it was a paycheck and health insurance for two more weeks. but the end result was going to be the same. so i called hubby bubby. he agreed with me. i called my dad. he agreed with me, and couldn’t quite understand why i was calling him when it seemed that i had figured it out. we came up with a way to present it to my supervisor.

she and i made small talk. she asked me how i was doing. we talked about the client who had attacked me. talked about a few other clients. then i broke it out. so i actually came here today to give you my two week’s notice. i thought so, she said, it was expected. as it turns out, my doctor wrote me out for another two weeks, so I'm not sure how you guys want to handle that in terms of workman’s comp, or using vacation or sick time. she said she’d check in to it.

i told her how much i’d enjoyed my time there, and how i felt i’d grown personally and professionally. yada yada yada. she said nice things about me and my work and how much they’d miss me. i said that this wasn’t how i would’ve liked things to go. that i would’ve liked to give her, the agency, and my clients proper notice. that i would’ve liked to say goodbye to my clients and co-workers. i told her about the doctor’s suggestion and how i didn’t think that it would ethical or right. she agreed. she said that she would be happy to provide glowing references if asked. she was speechless. she understood why i couldn’t come back. it was all bittersweet.

i got in my car and cried. it was relief. relief that i wouldn’t have to put myself in any type of similar situation. relief that i could now move on. relief that the whole telling the supervisor I'm quitting part was over. i went home.

got a call from hubby bubby about three minutes after i walked in the door. his grandparents needed stuff at the grocery store. so i went to pick up grandpa and took him to the store. then went back and talked with him and grandma for a bit. they knew that we were going to the baseball game later, and grandma told me a story about a little boy named jose who went to a ball game for the first time in his life, and everyone was so concerned if he could see the field. cute.

the ball game. one of the families that i sit for occasionally offered us tickets for last night’s game. very sweet. great timing. so i left the grandparent’s house to pick up the tickets. the game was good, and a nice distraction. stadium hot dogs always make me happy. cards won 8-3 against the rockies. we had a fun time. it was so cold out though. so we bought jackets.

today. we went to see the fertility specialist this morning. that was fun. at least we have a better idea now of what’s going on and why i haven’t been able to get pregnant. i apparently have something called polycystic ovarian syndrome. basically it means that my body doesn't know how to ovulate. isn’t that nice. the doctor suggested several measures of treatment. all very enjoyable and cheap, of course. we’re going to stick with ockham’s razor on this one. simplest things first. and I'm especially freaking out about it bcs of the cost and I'm not sure how much longer i’ll have insurance unless i get another job or take cobra. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. and hubby bubby wonders why I'm so blue. he asked me again tonight if i was okay. sure. I'm about as good as someone who has a head injury, is unemployed and not able to get pregnant can be. aren’t i just a ball of sunshine.

i finally went to the grocery store today. first time in almost a month. saw a co-worker there with one of her clients. very awkward. very sad.

been feeling a little something like buyer’s remorse today. keep questioning if i did the right thing in quitting yesterday. i know for my own personal sanity, it was absolutely the right thing to do. but financially? no way. I'm so freaked out about the money. and health insurance. the cost is ridiculous to put me on my husband’s plan. cobra’s gonna be a lot too. I'm so scared of running through our savings. then what? i’ve been sending out a bunch of resumes. learning how to “apply online.” hate that. would much rather just fax my cv and cover letter. but I'm getting better. even emailed a bunch. whatever way they want it, right. i haven’t heard back from anywhere really. i’ve lost count of how many i sent out, but haven’t been hearing back one way or another. not even the thanks but no thanks form letters. hmmm... almost makes me wonder if they got them. nah, they’re probably buried under a pile of other ones on someone’s desk. and i haven’t heard from the place where i had two interviews. no news is good news?

yeah, i know i said that i’d come back with a better attitude. but i think that given the circumstances, it’s understandable why i haven’t. am i feeling sorry for myself? yes. absolutely.

on the up side... i finished the gorgeous rainbow shawl today. go me. just need to block it out now. ah, there’s my sunny attitude ;) can’t you hear it in my typing?!?! also dyed another skein of cascade 220, the last to finish my technicolor circle of death shawl. it’s drying in the garage. it was a pretty easy shawl to make. just tedious, hence, circle of death.

i better try to get some sleep. I'm meeting with one of my step-MIL’s employees tomorrow morning. she’s been helping me network, and he’s apparently very well connected. then i’ve got the garage door people coming out to look at the door. ever since hubby bubby tried to back out of the garage without opening the door first, the door just hasn’t been working right. go figure.

keep ya posted...

there is a name for it, you know

i’ve been a roaring ball of emotions for the last few days. especially today, as evidenced by my earlier post. i’ve been vacillating. i think it all came to a head earlier today when my hubby bubby came home to find me balled into a corner of the shower. sobbing.

i’d been on the verge all day. afraid to think what i was thinking. i got in to the shower, and just started bawling. i couldn’t stop. i was trying to wash my hair, and it hurt so badly. and it made me think of why it hurt so badly. and i couldn’t stop crying. i’d lather up, and have to stop for a few minutes. at one point i just sunk into the floor of the shower. that’s where i was when hubby bubby got home from work. must’ve scared the hell out of him. he wanted to know what was so horrible that i was in this uncontrollable state. “i don’t want to go back to work,” i choked out. his response: “then don’t.” do i have the best hubby bubby beshert, or what?

so i got out of the shower and got dressed. he talked. he made sense. i was still a blubbering mess. he said that it’s not worth it to feel this way. no amount of money is worth my safety. or my head. and we’d find a way to get by financially. and our families wouldn’t let us starve. or become homeless. he said something that he’s never said before, which was later echoed by my parents: “i never wanted for you to take this job. not after what i knew it entailed.” but he is never one to tell me not to do something. he’s been scared for me. for two freaking years he’s been scared for me and the phone calls that came. I'm sorry honey, i didn’t mean to scare you.

we had already been talking about me quitting. hell, i’ve been interviewing for other jobs. but i expected to go back to work for a couple weeks, then put in my proper two weeks notice, etc. the problem is, every time i think about going back to work, i freak out. which lead me to be the roaring ball of emotions.

so i called my parents and asked if we could come over. i didn’t explain why, which made them both very nervous. and i could’ve talked with them about this over the phone, but i felt like they needed to see the emotion. so we went over there immediately. and i told them that i had to quit my job, and that i was scared, and couldn’t get past it. my mother, the social worker, had the audacity to say to me, the social worker, “there is a name for what you’re going through, you know. ptsd.” uh, yeah, duh. thank you. and i realized, with brilliant clarity, that i really don’t have it all together in that department, and my blase act was to mask the ptsd i was experiencing. again, duh.

but my parents were cooler about it than i thought they’d be. they told me how scared they were for me, and that they hadn’t wanted for me to take this job to begin with either. and they said that they would help us financially if we needed it.

that’s my biggest problem with this, the financial aspect. I'm so scared to put us in this financial position. i mean, we’ve got savings, and we’re doing pretty well. but that’s on two incomes. and before we pay our enormous taxes that we are sure to have this year since we sold our rental property last year, all capital gains. uhg. so I'm afraid to syphon money out of the savings to pay current bills. luckily i won’t have to worry about that for a few weeks. i paid all our bills last night. so our mortgage is current until next month, my car’s not due until the end of the month. cable, gas and electric are paid. and we’re not going to starve. still scary.

so I'm to call my supervisor in the morning and ask to see her during the day, either before or after my doctor’s appointment. I'm sure that my resignation is to be expected. but that doesn’t make it any easier. obviously not, given that it’s now after 1a, and I'm in my office typing instead of in bed. so now i need to do what i’ve been telling other people to do...

breathe. just breathe

perspective

i am so bored. b.o.r.e.d. been off work for three and a half weeks now. been on the couch for most of it. watching movies and dumb tv. but as bored as i am, i don't want to go back to work. i am scared. as much as i realize that this was (most likely) an isolated incident, a part of me wonders if it'll happen again. and i can't help but be nervous that it will. every time a client gets the least bit agitated, i'm going to wonder if they're going to attack. i'm going to be nervous being alone with a client, especially if there's no one around to assist if necessary. i just don't know what to do. i'm going back to the doctor tomorrow. the mri results were negative, which is good. they showed bruising, which is not normal, but to be expected. my hand is still sore and bruised, and my head still hurts. especially when i wash my hair, i have to be very careful, or if i'm lying down on my back. uh, yeah, none of that. all right, not too much of that ;) but yes, i am scared to go back to work. and so bored i'm watching an olsen twins movie from 1995. not to worry, 90210 is on soon. unfortunately, this is not an april fool's joke. here i go again...

so i've been working on this beautiful knitted shawl with kauni yarn. it's gorgeous. i'm so in love with the yarn and colorway. i'm getting close to finishing. this has been keeping me semi-sane and occupied. not much else has.

::sigh:: really don't like the way i'm feeling. don't like feeling so down on myself. just nothing going on. i'm home by myself for nine hours a day. the cats are comforting. but they don't talk. and i can only call my husband or i-m my friends while they're at work so much.

i did register for the licensing exam. that's pretty big. another scary thing to me. registration has been accepted, and now just waiting for the official letter so i can schedule the exam. holding off on sending out any more resumes until after the exam. i haven't heard back from btgm yet for a 3rd interview. hopefully soon. but wouldn't be upset if i didn't hear from them until after i take the exam. the job is seemingly contingent upon me passing the exam. s.c.a.r.y.

i'm just rambling and feeling sorry for myself. i know that things could always be worse. one of my girlfriends found out yesterday that she miscarried and is having a d&c as i type. i feel so badly for her. been there done that. hubby bubby and i go to see the fertility specialist in two days. joy. hard to get excited about that. hopefully it will yield good results. i'm at the end of my cycle right now. just waiting at this point.

i will come back at a later date with a much sunnier attitude...