i had never been on an anti-depressant before in my life. even though there are multiple times that i should've been. but my doctor was insistent that it would work. not, in my case, for depression. but rather for the chronic pain caused by the arthritis in my rib cage. i'm talking serious ouch. my precious vioxx was removed in october. from that point until late january, i had been on a myriad of anti-inflammatories and pain reducers. nothing worked. then my rheumatologist suggested cymbalta, an anti-depressant that has worked wonders as a pain modifier. at that point i would've had my rib cage removed so as not to be in constant pain. wonder of all wonders, it worked. and it started working instantly. not like some of the others i had been on where after 3 weeks i was convinced i was just taking sugar pills. this was great. hidden bonus: it also worked as an appetite suppressant. we were in business. then a few weeks ago it just stopped working. almost as fast as it had started. the pain returned, and i was back to pre-vioxx levels. called the doc, and he said that since nothing else on earth worked for me, i could start taking my secret stash of vioxx. hurray!
so that was last monday. i barely remember what happened the rest of the week. all of the sudden i couldn't sleep. for the past few months i've been going to bed at like 10p since i have to be up so early. now all of the sudden, it's 1, 2a and i'm still wide awake and bouncing. not fun. luckily my kids were on spring break and i didn't have to work all last week. but still. so i started taking tylenol pm to get to sleep. didn't work. the next night i took 2 of them. didn't work. i mean, i was sleeping, but not soundly and restfully. and the weird-ass dreams started. freakishly weird. and then the negativity started. scared the hell out of me. i didn't want to be around anyone. and my love and i were arguing about the most stupid things.
i was grumpy. just plain grumpy. i didn't even want to be around him. and he's my most absolute favorite person in the world. i was questioning everything. like, why are he and i together? we have absolutely nothing in common. at least that's what my mind was telling me last week. i hated the world, and was afraid of everything. didn't want to answer the phone. didn't want to check email. two of my favorite things to do. had nothing nice to say about anything. was having the worst hot flashing. thought i was just pms'ing. but way beyond the realm of normality. i was just not myself.
so we were talking about it last night, the little boy (that's what my dad calls my love) and i. he mentioned the cymbalta. by that point i had completely forgotten about it. but a-ha! not the band, but... anyway. when i had started the cymbalta i did a little research. i was fearful of the anti-depressant. there were numerous studies of psychotic episodes that occurred after stopping the drug. light bulb. even though i wasn't taking the drug for depression, the same chemicals were still at play. messing with my head, with my heart and with my hormones. never mess with a woman's hormones. so at least what i've been going through made sense. when i first started the drug i had problems with sleeplessness. now going through them again.
soaked in a hot tub and am now drinking hot tea. starting to feel sleepy. time for a tylenol pm and my pillow. don't want to be up til 4a again like last night. that sucked. wish me sweet dreams....