Wednesday, March 26, 2008




day after day

yes, he came home. yes, he apologized. yes, he agreed that he was acting like an ass. he said that he knew as he was saying what he said that he was wrong and being a jerk. and that once i called him an asshole, he had to leave to cool down. and he said that he would go grocery shopping after work today, and then cook dinner. so we came up with some easy-peasy fool-proof recipes for him to make. he makes the world’s best chili, so he’s going to do that, tacos, and pasta. i just can’t eat anything else out of a can.

i’ve been on the couch all day. mostly watching bad tv and chatting on line with some good old camp friends. it’s always interesting to me how relationships ebb and flow, and how with some people you can just pick up right where you left off. how relationships change and grow with distance. one girlfriend just switched jobs against her better judgement and is now miserable. so i’ve been trying to talk her out of her funk. another girlfriend offered to shop my resume to her agency that has offices all over the world. i’ll take whatever help i can get.

my MIL has been amazing. she knows everyone plus some, and has been sending my resume to them all. so helpful. it’s nice to have an in.

i was called for a second interview tomorrow with a children’s agency. nice. i’ll be interviewing with a different person who sounded very anxious to meet with me. she said that the woman i interviewed with earlier in the week had just been bugging her about me calling back. good sign, right? the only thing I'm concerned about with this job is that it is basically contingent on me passing the licensing exam. ugh. scary. i don’t test well to begin with, but with this added pressure... very scary.

got the MRI results back this morning, and everything looks good. just bruising on my brain, but no tears or anything. so that’s good. going back to my doctor in a week for a final check up. its been kinda nice having this time off, but I'm getting bored. my couch has a permanent ass print. though I'm still not sleeping well. still dizzy with too much movement. headaches.

oh - had an interview yesterday. the agency and job seemed interesting. but i get there, there’s no receptionist or anyone around, so i knock on an open door and say “hi, I'm here to see blah blah.” she says “go sit down, i’ll be right there.” okay. then she runs out and tells me that I'm going to watch a video first about the agency. okay. so i watch the video. she takes me back in her office, and starts telling me why the position is open. that’s nice. “are you familiar with st. louis?” yes, very, i grew up here. “good. the position is located at blah blah elementary school. it’s on kingshighway and thekla. do you know where that is?” yes, I'm familiar with that area. “how would you feel about doing home visits in that area?” I'm not comfortable with that, i don’t feel that it’s a very safe area. “and why is that?” i was car-jacked a few blocks from there a few months ago. i’ve had two work-related head injuries in the last four months which is why I'm looking elsewhere. “well, i guess we’re done here.” yes we are. very strange indeed.

been working on several crochet and knit projects. almost finished with my spiral of death shawl. I'm probably going to have to dye one more hank of yarn for it. really love hand dyeing with kool-aid. so quick and easy. and fun. I'm on the end of the spiral piping of this shawl, and i just know I'm going to run out of yarn before it’s finished. so i have to make my way over to an LYS for the yarn. and to the market for more kool-aid.

been getting set up on ravelry. it’s a really neat site. now just need to take pictures of projects to put up there.

that’s all that’s been going on here. it’s been pretty boring. but it’ll get better...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

...but not as we know it

he left. he actually left. not exactly sure how this all started. but he left. and i don’t know if he’s coming back. or what this means. or how it will get resolved. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. i feel betrayed. nothing has ever gone this far before. we don’t get in to it often. but i guess when we do...i don’t know. i just don’t know.

he came home from work. wouldn’t really talk to me. didn’t even kiss me hello. i was on the couch. with the computer. half-assing around. (just fyi: he just pulled back in to the garage. whew). he wasn’t talking. asked him to tell me about his day. he wasn’t really forthcoming. so i turned on wheel of fortune. asked what he wanted for dinner, and went to the pantry. pasta. mac and cheese. some turkey bake thingy. frozen egg rolls. frozen pizza rolls. easy stuff that i could make while i have a concussion. he says he’ll nuke a pizza later. got me thinking. you know, every day, no matter what kind of day i’ve had or how tired i am, i cook dinner for us. and i would’ve thought that while i’ve been couch-ridden the last two weeks, he might’ve done the same. but no. it was heat a can of spaghetti-o’ or a frozen pizza. order out. go out. so that kinda got me going a little. but that part comes later.

i tell him that i finally heard from his step-mother. he says that he did, too, and she’s bringing dinner over on thursday night. interesting, since when i talked with her, i told her not to bother. so now we have the problem of cleaning the house. it’s a absolute mess. but that’s exactly why i told her not to come, because i don’t feel up to cleaning right now. and i mention that. could we go out somewhere with her? could we go to her house? no, she’s coming here. well, I'm not really feeling up to cleaning quite yet. moving around too much still makes me feel woozy. “well that’s selective, isn’t it.” huh? really? and then he walks away without justifying his accusation. so I'm thinking, what the fuck?

“well, you’ve been driving, haven’t you?” yes, but only to job interviews. oh, and one night last week when you wouldn’t take the movies back to the rental store so we could avoid a $20 late fee. “but you have been driving.” again, yes, in those two situations. how else am i going to get to the interviews? if i want to find a new job, I'm going to have to interview. and do you know how the driving made me feel? that watching traffic made me feel dizzy. that i felt light-headed. “and we’ve been going out. you were shopping last night.” yes, but do you know how it made my head feel afterwards? do you? “well, why didn’t you tell me?” bcs. bcs it seems that every time i mention how I'm feeling, your attitude is ‘enough already.’ it doesn’t seem like you care to hear how dizzy some activity makes me, so i don’t tell you. why should i bore you with this? “but then why did you tell your mother that you exaggerated your symptoms to the doctor bcs you were scared to go back to work?” that’s not exactly what i said to her. you weren’t paying attention to the conversation, and only heard that bit, which is now being taken out of context. and why are we arguing about this anyway?

he walked away and went in his office. i don’t know what happened. i don’t know how things escalated. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i just don’t know.

then he comes out and apologizes. at least about the misunderstanding what i said to my mother. “but if we’re being honest, the dizziness seems selective.” okay. if we’re being honest, I'm really disappointed that you haven’t thought to cook dinner for us the last two weeks. “i think there’s somewhere else i have to be.” and he left. he left. he left.

i feel like the bottom just dropped out, and there’s nothing to grab on to. i don’t know what’s going to happen. soft landing? or finit? i don’t feel that we were even arguing about something concrete. i can’t find the basis. am i wrong? is he? what happens now?

I'm feeling so fragile. hate this feeling. if i start crying, i feel like i wouldn’t stop. in the course of our marriage, i have never had this feeling before. the feeling that we passed the point of no return. and over what? please tell me! over what?

it’s life jim...

Monday, March 17, 2008

not happy that...’s almost 2am on a sunday night
...i'm still awake
...i'm dizzy and nauseous still
...i'm having memory issues head hurts...a lot hand has turned an ugly shade of yellow and red
...people keep making jokes that my hand is bruised bcs i hit my husband
...beginning tomorrow, I'm on workman’s comp
...beginning tomorrow, workman’s comp pays only 2/3 of my salary
...i will most likely be off another week of work
...i feel like crap
...i’ve been big time grumpy all week
...i’ve also been big time whiney all week family is scared for me to go back to work
...i'm scared for me to go back to work
...i drove my car for the first time today since the 10th
...i got motion sickness from driving
...moving around makes me feel like i was out drinking all night (too bad i wasn’t)
...people have said that they’re “disturbed” by what happened to me last week took me getting beat up for my only aunt to call me after not speaking to me for over two years (bcs there weren’t “enough” pictures of her in our wedding photo proof book)
...the supervisors or co-workers at my agency haven’t expressed any concern agency is governed by an HR entity that tells them to do stupid crap
...i have to be on workman’s comp doctor doesn’t accept workman’s comp insurance
...workman’s comp insurance won’t reimburse me for my doctor visits
...there aren’t a lot of job listings posted on-line for clinical social workers
...i sent resumes for non social work jobs (ie-human resource manager) agency isn’t doing more to support me (ie-find me an inside job)
...we have an appointment to see a fertility specialist next month
...everyone keeps asking when we’re going to start a family


happy that...
...i have a wonderful hubby bubby beshert
...good, caring friends, who keep checking up on me
...i have a loving family
...i'm alive

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

the big question

i always say that things are crazy. sometimes it's my way of yada-yada-ing over daily crap. other times, it means that i've been running rampant. the last three days have been literally crazy stupid. i was physically attacked by a client on monday the 10th. i've been dizzy and disoriented since. on lots of pain meds. yes, i have a concussion. the second in less than four months. not happy about that. feel like crap. not thinking too clearly. but here's the skinny:

background on client: he's been with my agency for many years, and i've worked with him since i've been there. i've never had any real problems with him, and i don't think there have been at the agency. he has schizophrenia and is believed to have mild mental retardation. he is also forensic, which means that he was tried for a crime and found not guilty by reason of insanity. he has been living in the community for several years and has a forensic case monitor who makes sure that he meets his conditions of release. he is with my agency because he is forensic and required to be by his conditions of release. he lives in a group home (rcf - residential care facility) that monitors his medications and takes care of all his basic needs. he doesn't do anything all day except sleep and smoke. so i just drop in to see him when i can during the week. i see him once a week, and two of my co-workers see him once a week. it's just a home visit, he hardly ever needs to go anywhere.

so on monday...

i went over to the rcf to see him. the nurse got him out of his room since i refuse to go back there (have to pass through the indoor smoking area to get to his room, and it is way too smokey for me). so he came out, and seemed to be in a good mood. he was smiling and laughing. we went downstairs to the open kitchen area to talk and review paperwork. we were sitting at a table across from each other. he was laughing a lot and talking - his speech is really hard to understand, so i just nod along. i was trying to keep him focused on our paperwork - we were reviewing his quarterly progress report. he reached out to take my hand, and said that he wanted to hold my hand while he told me something. i said that it was not appropriate to hold my hand, but he could tell me whatever he wanted. he started talking about being in the military (we're not sure if he ever really was). i tried to redirect him to the paperwork. he began jerking his head around, a sign that he is symptomatic. then he started saying that he knew i had something to tell him and that i was hiding something. very calmly, i said that i didn't know what he was talking about. he said that i did, and asked again what i was hiding. again, calmly, i said that there was nothing i was hiding and didn't know what he was talking about. then he looked at me, and threw a punch that missed my face. i jumped up from the table and started running away, screaming. he's tall, about 6'5", and has long arms. he grabbed my neck and just started hitting the back of my head - which is probably all he could reach based on our height difference. he was just punching my head. he got in at least four punches. at one point i guess i put my right hand up to my head to try to protect it from the blows, but he got my hand instead. my right hand is swollen and bruised. someone (later found out it was the owner of the rcf) pulled him off me. i was hyperventilating and generally freaking out. i saw them getting him upstairs towards his room. he turned around and punched one of the nurses. i think he also punched another resident.

whew. so they called the police. i called his forensic case monitor, who is aptly named dick. just wanted to let him know what happened. he started telling me that i needed to get the client into metropolitan psychiatric center (mpc). i told him that i wasn't going to do anything at that moment bcs i had just been attacked by the client and was freaking out. i hung up on him. called my supervisor to let her know. among other things, she told me that if dick called me back to tell dick that he needed to do his job and take care of the client, i was no longer his social worker, and dick could call her if he had any questions. so when he eventually called me back, that's what i told him. gave the police my statement. my neck was bleeding from when he grabbed me, and there's a nice scratch there. the rcf cleaned it up. and the police took the client to mpc, where he is most likely going to stay. talked with my supervisor today and they are trying to get his conditions of release revoked so that he will not be allowed to live in the community.

once i was calm, and my client was contained, i drove myself from grand and page out to mo bap hospital on ballas. could've gone to st. mary's, but mo bap is so much nicer. asked for a tetanus shot since he had broken the skin, and i know how often he bathes (about once every two weeks), and there's always crud under his nails. i knew that i had a tetanus shot in the last ten years, but didn't think i had one in the last five. and figured it couldn't hurt. although it does now!

they did a ct scan and xrays of my hand. the triage nurses and ct tech remembered me from november. everyone wanted to know if i was going to be looking for a new job. so did my doctor today.

so that's what happened. my last 48 hours or so. my doctor has me on bed rest until at least next monday, possibly returning to work on tuesday. moving around isn't too much fun right now. i'm doing pretty well on the couch. but i get dizzy easily, and am wobbly. hubby bubby's been amazing. he met me at the hospital yesterday. i dragged him out of a recording session. he's been picking up prescriptions for me. i just sent him to the grocery store for me. he came back and made me dinner - granted it was spaghetti-o's.

i'm just hanging out on the couch now. my doctor was really concerned about these concussions and me not doing anything in the next few days that could exacerbate the condition. they didn't find anything on the ct scan, which is good. so i'm to take it easy, and not do too much for the next week. so that's my plan. a friend asked if i wanted to go to the zoo with her and her daughter tomorrow, which was really sweet, but not going to happen. i can barely walk a straight line right now. not that i can usually walk a straight line... but like i said, i'm getting dizzy easily and not thinking too clearly. i'm moving and thinking slowly.

so the question that everyone, including myself, keeps asking: am i going to find a new job? i'm not sure right now. i love what i do. i think i'm good at it. i like my agency. but i can't ignore the 2 concussions in 4 months. it's dangerous. duh. gotta consider the future. and head injuries aren't good. okay - just read the last few sentences. i am groggy from the meds, hee hee. i know that i need to do something. probably not a good idea to make these choices while on heavy meds. so i'm just going to take it easy and not really worry about it right now. the meds mess with my emotions anyway. start crying for seemingly no reason. sometimes it's bcs of the pain. other times, it's not for anything.

uhg! that's my story. gotta be done with the typing for now. later.