aftermath

it’s 230 in the fucking morning and i can’t sleep. my head is throbbing. there’s a huge knot on the side of my head, and i found the blood spot earlier. i finally, just now, succumbed to the pain and took a couple hydrocodone. i was actually prescribed vicodin, but didn’t fill the script. i hate these meds. knew that we had a couple scripts from previous surgeries that i could take if it came to it. i’ve been in and out of bed four times now. every time i think I'm ready for sleep - my body is tired enough, my mind has shut down - and i get in to bed, my mind keeps replaying the scenario, and i start crying and shaking. so i keep getting up and coming in here. looked at stuff on tivo for a bit. sought out random stuff to record. went back to bed. i played a trivia game for a while earlier. went to bed. got up bcs i couldn’t remember where my ipod was. so kept going back and forth between my office and the living room looking for it. finally found it. downloaded a bunch of pod-casts and videos from itunes. went back to bed. lasted all of about two minutes. started crying and shaking again. ransacked the bathroom pantry for the pain/sleep meds. took two hydrocodone. they don’t always work for me, and the side effects suck, but I'm desperate. and here i am. keep thinking about the violence. keep thinking about how i will handle the questions come monday. the head-tilted-well-meaning-but-often-patronizing “how are you?” the clients who want to know why I'm driving a rental car instead of my brand new element. the clients who want to know why i wasn’t answering my phone on friday, and why my supervisor was calling them to cancel my appointment with them. i have to figure out how i will handle going in to the office this week. i have to figure out how i will handle being out in the community this week. and i have to figure out how to tell the client whose home i was jacked in front of that i can’t pick him up from his residence any longer. that i will have to meet him in the community from here on out. that, no, we’re not going to switch him to another social worker bcs it’s not safe for any of us to be in his neighborhood. that it’s not safe for him to be in his neighborhood. that he’s going to have to take medicaid transportation to his doctor’s appointments, and find another way to get to walmart to shop for holiday presents for his grandsons. i am not looking forward to that conversation.

part of me wants to look for another job. one where I'm in an office all day. but i love the agency I'm with. there are no desk jobs at this time. and i love the work that I'm doing. and i know i would be bored in three seconds if i took a desk job. any where. and i know that running away from my fear is not going to change anything. the fear is always going to be there. the question of safety will always be there. I'm still trying to figure out why i felt the need to lock my car doors while in the drive thru at mcdonald’s right before going to that client’s home. it just seemed like a good idea. that may have been part of what saved me. bcs the asshole was trying to get in my car. the windows were up and the doors were locked. if ever a time to get religion.....

i don’t want to leave my job. I'm getting quiet pressure from my family. but in the year and a half that i’ve been with the agency, i’ve never felt unsafe going in to the neighborhoods that i go in to. and lucky me, i’ve set a new precedent at the agency. no one has ever had a gun to their head before. it’s amazing, really, when you think about the kind of places we all go in to every day. but i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. the supervisors are all saying that only they know at this point, and haven’t said anything to my co-workers. but i think they should. we should all know what to do in these situations, what to look out for. i know that there was nothing that i could’ve done differently. nothing. i got out with my life. that’s the important part. i know. hell if i know how i did it though.

if i could stop replaying it... it’s like a little horror movies. what sucks is that it’s the best horror movie i’ve seen in a long time! but we were watching this show last night, “drawn together.” this ep was a satire of the old fat albert cartoons. and they kept interspersing the cartoons with a real person acting all crazy like. at one point the guy takes out a gun and holds it to a woman’s head. lovely. wasn’t exactly the best thing for me to watch.

think I'm going to go try the couch. put on a movie. was trying to decide between labyrinth and empire records. think I'm gonna go with empire records. will hopefully fall asleep on the couch. it’s now 3am. great - now i’ve got that old KLF song in my head. points if you can sing the chorus...

lack of boredom

if i ever complain about my life being boring again, please, someone, remind me of yesterday.

i was waiting in my car outside a client’s home in north city. i’ve waited outside this client’s home at least two times a week for the last nine months. i’ve seen cars pull up along side me and people get out of them on each visit. nothing’s ever happened from it, and i’ve never thought twice about. from now on, i will always think about it.

so i was sitting in my car, minding my business, playing a game on the pda, about to call my client and tell him i was outside waiting for him. i was listening to music. been loving the built-in xm radio, and playing with channels. a green minivan pulled up along side me, and i saw a guy get out of the driver’s side.

the next thing i knew, the guy was standing at my window, pointing a gun in my face. i think i got confused. like maybe he wanted to talk with me or something. don’t know what i was thinking. the gun hadn’t registered yet. i slammed on the horn. thought maybe i could scare him or get someone’s attention. but then i think i realized what was going on. he was pounding on my window. i noticed that if i pulled forward i wouldn’t be able to get away. there was not enough room for me to angle out from behind the car parked in front of me. so i backed up. he kept pounding on my car. broke the back window with his gun. i might’ve screamed. he smacked me in the back of my head with his gun. he was yelling something. i had the music on. i put the car in drive, and got the hell out of there. i couldn’t breathe. i had been trying to call 911 on my work phone. it wasn’t working. i kept dialing 991. picked up my personal cell phone and was able to get my fingers to work right.

i ran two stop signs. kept looking in the mirror to see if they were following me. i didn’t know where i was going. i was heading back to the office. that was all i could think about. the 911 operator had me pull over somewhere safe. would never consider that area where i pulled over to be the safest. but she stayed on the phone with me until a cop came. called my supervisor. “uhm, i need coverage,” was the first thing that came out of my mouth. then i thought, screw professionalism. big mess. me.

the cops took my statement, then took me to where they had a couple guys in custody. they found a couple guys matching my description two blocks from where it all happened. unfortunately, after viewing them from a distance, i couldn’t positively ID them. that part sucks. would’ve loved to be able to ID them. it all happened so fast.

the adrenaline rush was mind-altering. i couldn’t think. i finally called hubby bubby when i felt calm enough. but i couldn’t hold it together. had to pull him out of a session. he’s such a trooper. left immediately, wanted to come to where i was, still in the city. i told him that i would be home soon.

barely got myself home. called the insurance company on the way. called my supervisor back. called the executive director of my agency back. everyone was very supportive.

i stopped breathing when i got home and saw hubby bubby. it was strongly suggested that i go to the e/r to checked out. so i had hubby bubby take me. everyone wanted to know the story. but they were very nice at the hospital. did a CT scan of my brain to make sure there was no injury. there’s a big bump on my head, and a small blood spot. but they didn’t find anything internally. got a hold of my parents somewhere in there, and they came to the hospital to sit with us. i was finally discharged, and hubby bubby and i got chinese take out. spent the rest of the night on the couch, trying to block things out of my head.

no surprise that i couldn’t sleep. i think we finally turned the light out around 1230 or so. poor hubby, since he had to get up this morning for work. i was given the day off. which was another big DUH. i got up and played on the computer for a while. took a couple tylenol p.m. to knock me out. was so groggy this morning. but at least i slept.

been on the couch most of the day. and on the phone trying to get the car straightened out. my brand new car is a mess. it’s only 6 weeks old. I'm so upset about it. but it’s fixable. the back window is busted out and there’s glass all over the place. the front window has gun scratches all over it. there are a bunch of deep scrapes and scratches on the body. had to retell to the car guy. but they towed the car to the body shop, and arranged for my rental car.

so that’s my story. I'm okay. i think. groggy from the tylenol. today’s mom’s bday. we’re going out to dinner with my parents tonight. tomorrow is one of our anniversaries, me and hubby bubby. five years since we got back together. three years since he proposed. think we’re going to stay home, watch movies, order pizza. we’ll see.

talked with my supervisor earlier. i just want to get on with stuff. won’t do me any good to wallow and stay home. planning on being back at work on monday. gotta talk with this client, though. I'm not going to be able to pick him up at his residence any longer. it’s not a safe area. he’s not going to like this. so we have to figure out how to talk with him about this.

i’ve got to go get myself together for dinner tonight. as i say every time, i need to write more. and i need to be better about it. we’ll see. I'm not holding my breath...