some things never f***ing change

*otherwise known as the weekend from hell*

how stupid was i to think that things would be different from the last time we saw each other? my gosh, was i an idiot! i honestly don't know why she's here since she's so far spent the entire time on the phone with her husband. and if she's not talking to him, she's talking about him. and if she's not talking about him, she's text messaging him. it's absolutely ridiculous. i'm so angry with her, and i'm angry with myself for not expecting this to happen. this is exactly what happened the last time we saw each other.

when i went to visit her 11 years ago. she spent the entire time with her boyfriend. even went so far as to make me sit outside his house for 2-1/2 hours while they were doing only g-d knows what. flashback. not pretty.

have we spent any time talking about my/our wedding plans? no. have we spent time talking about hers? yes. has she lied left and right about the most miniscule things? yes. so i don't know why i'm so surprised. it's almost too stupid to really be happening.

we went out for a nice dinner that was supposed to be her treat - per her instructions a few weeks ago, i made reservations at this ultra-fancy restaurant bcs she said she wanted to treat us to a nice meal. bill comes and she says "how do you want to split this up?" no joke. what could i say? there was absolutely no nice way to handle that. so i said "why don't we just split it so that we pay 2/3 and you pay 1/3." really angry about that. i can tell that i'm going to have a hard time letting this go.

she spent 20 minutes during dinner on the phone with the husband. we got home, and she went outside to spend another 20 on the phone with him. then spent the rest of the evening texting back and forth. yes, you miss him, i get that. but have some f***ing independence. the entire day was about text messaging. i'm so f***ing sick of text messaging. so of course i can't sleep. tried earlier but just gave up. i'm just so *BIG SCREAM* right now. but i've got to try to sleep. got the big mother's day brunch thing in the morning. and i haven't slept very well this past week. all of this is not sitting well with me. yeah, i'm gonna have a hard time getting over this....

catch up rant

the last month has been an absolute whirlwind of activity. wedding planning, work, papers/proposals, more wedding planning... then of course there's been all the fun health stuff - no more hospital visits, but lots of doctors. apparently, i have vertigo. can't help but think of anything but the alfred hitchcock movie. it's from some kind of inner ear thing. tells ya how much i know about it!

then of course, there's more reunion stuff going on. out of the blue yesterday, this guy that i was really good friends with, but haven't talked to in about 10 years, emailed me. surprise! another camp friend. so we've been emailing back and forth. another friend whom i haven't talked to in, oh, 15 years, got in touch with me recently as well. i am absolutely loving this! the pictures keep flying, fingers can't type fast enough...

the one person i've been being a big dork about contacting... another camp friend... but this one was different. i swear. he was like a little brother to me for so long. just a super sweet guy. we talked on the phone at least once a day. i went to his senior prom - flew up east just to be there - found the picture last night. anyway. we lost touch a few years ago, 4 years ago? don't even remember why. i know that he always had a crush on me, but i always thought of him as the little brother type. plus there was a huge geographical distance between us. but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. when i got
engaged, and when all this other reunion stuff started happening, i decided to find him. started with the last known address i had for him. wrote him a letter. that came back to me. then started googling (that doesn't sound too dirty now, does it?) him, and found an address in new york. that wasn't it either. long story short (too late!) i came across a company that he worked at - had his picture on the site, so i knew it was him - and left him a voice mail at work. been being a huge dork the last two days waiting for him to call back. everyone kept asking if i had a crush on this guy or something. no. just get
excited about talking with people. and especially excited to reconnect with him. he *finally* called me back tonight. i didn't recognize the number on my cell - but figured it was him, and i was on my way to dinner, so i let it go to voicemail. but of course i called in my voicemail as soon as it came through. hurray! left him a message when i got home from dinner. it's a good start, right.

anyway. enough about that. i've got my first wedding shower tomorrow night. my aunt is throwing a family shower for me. very small, only about 12 or 13 people. the big shower's in june - think the current guest list is something like 60 or 70. should be interesting. my favorite wedding story right now is that one of my bridesmaids is pregnant! i am so excited about that! she asked me if i minded having a pregnant woman in my wedding. as long as is aint me, honey! this is her third, and she should be around 7 months or so come wedding dress time.

in other wedding news, my moh is coming to see me next week! haven't seen her in 11 years. crazy. but she's coming out for the weekend. got a few things planned for us to do. but nothing really wedding-like. baseball game, dinner. take her to the arch - she's never been to good old stl.

think that's about it. if i think of anything else... nah, that's about enough out of me for one night....

time stands still

so the last few days have been a whirlwind of activity - mostly good stuff, a little bad stuff. but to focus on the good stuff...

growing up, i spent the best times of my life at summer camp. numerous summer camps. but there was one in particular on the east coast changed my life. i lived in the mid-west, everyone else lived on the east coast. i was definitely the outsider. but i loved that place. the people, that is. i made the best friends of my life there. it took me a long time to get over the fact that camp was over. i'm talking years.

i kept in touch with people throughout the years following, but unfortunately lost touch with some due to circumstances, aka life. just imagine my joy to get an email a few months ago about a camp reunion. hurray! but it was in new york, of course, and i didn't have enough notice to get out there. from this reunion, a website was born. pictures, old and new. database of connections. people i hadn't thought about in close to 15 years. these were once my best friends. and it makes me sad to say that i hadn't thought about them in so long.

but now it's like the time span never occurred. i've been pouring over pictures that others have sent. what a punk i was! i barely recognize myself - i've never worn as much makeup in my life as i did my last summer at camp. how silly! i found all my old photo albums. am planning on posting pix to the website this weekend. hopefully. am currently rebuilding relationships with old friends. which i absolutely love!

i'm not currently capturing the full scope of my emotions surrounding this reunion. it's almost 11p and i'm exhausted. it was a draining week. so i'm gonna go to bed. i'm missing my love. he had a show tonight. i'm in a conference all day tomorrow on play therapy techniques. my eyes are closing. so i'm going to bed before i pass out. will continue tomorrow...

cymbalta & the fear of everything

i had never been on an anti-depressant before in my life. even though there are multiple times that i should've been. but my doctor was insistent that it would work. not, in my case, for depression. but rather for the chronic pain caused by the arthritis in my rib cage. i'm talking serious ouch. my precious vioxx was removed in october. from that point until late january, i had been on a myriad of anti-inflammatories and pain reducers. nothing worked. then my rheumatologist suggested cymbalta, an anti-depressant that has worked wonders as a pain modifier. at that point i would've had my rib cage removed so as not to be in constant pain. wonder of all wonders, it worked. and it started working instantly. not like some of the others i had been on where after 3 weeks i was convinced i was just taking sugar pills. this was great. hidden bonus: it also worked as an appetite suppressant. we were in business. then a few weeks ago it just stopped working. almost as fast as it had started. the pain returned, and i was back to pre-vioxx levels. called the doc, and he said that since nothing else on earth worked for me, i could start taking my secret stash of vioxx. hurray!

so that was last monday. i barely remember what happened the rest of the week. all of the sudden i couldn't sleep. for the past few months i've been going to bed at like 10p since i have to be up so early. now all of the sudden, it's 1, 2a and i'm still wide awake and bouncing. not fun. luckily my kids were on spring break and i didn't have to work all last week. but still. so i started taking tylenol pm to get to sleep. didn't work. the next night i took 2 of them. didn't work. i mean, i was sleeping, but not soundly and restfully. and the weird-ass dreams started. freakishly weird. and then the negativity started. scared the hell out of me. i didn't want to be around anyone. and my love and i were arguing about the most stupid things.
i was grumpy. just plain grumpy. i didn't even want to be around him. and he's my most absolute favorite person in the world. i was questioning everything. like, why are he and i together? we have absolutely nothing in common. at least that's what my mind was telling me last week. i hated the world, and was afraid of everything. didn't want to answer the phone. didn't want to check email. two of my favorite things to do. had nothing nice to say about anything. was having the worst hot flashing. thought i was just pms'ing. but way beyond the realm of normality. i was just not myself.

so we were talking about it last night, the little boy (that's what my dad calls my love) and i. he mentioned the cymbalta. by that point i had completely forgotten about it. but a-ha! not the band, but... anyway. when i had started the cymbalta i did a little research. i was fearful of the anti-depressant. there were numerous studies of psychotic episodes that occurred after stopping the drug. light bulb. even though i wasn't taking the drug for depression, the same chemicals were still at play. messing with my head, with my heart and with my hormones. never mess with a woman's hormones. so at least what i've been going through made sense. when i first started the drug i had problems with sleeplessness. now going through them again.

soaked in a hot tub and am now drinking hot tea. starting to feel sleepy. time for a tylenol pm and my pillow. don't want to be up til 4a again like last night. that sucked. wish me sweet dreams....

my childhood is now complete

my fashion plates arrived today! sooooo excited. i've wanted these
things ever since i was a kid and saw that my cousins had them. of course, they would never let me play with them. but every once in a while i check for them on ebay, bcs they (tomy/mattel) don't make them anymore. but every time i checked ebay, the sets were going for upwards of $40, and i just never wanted to spend that much on them. on a whim i checked ebay the other day, and there was a huge set up for $10. bid bid bid. obviously i won the auction. i'm like a kid in the
candy store. i set the plates up and got out the little crayon. i remember that everyone would get so upset when the little rubbing crayon got too flat or too small or whatever. hello! it's a crayon. just put a different one in. duh. (29 years old and still saying 'duh'). anyway. i'm all happy now. but of course i don't have time to play with them right now. oh well. at least i have them. i'm such a five-year-old. but it's so much fun!

truth be honest...

i can't understand why adults feel the need to lie. i understand why
children lie; that's easy. even had one of my kids at school write
sentences about why he lies. that was fun :) but i don't understand
why adults lie. specifically, one of my girl friends. it's always
about little stuff, too. not anything important or big. i've known
this girl since we were kids, 13 or 14 i think. we were the wild
childs. yet another story. she lied to me constantly when we were
younger, and i always caught her in her twisted little webs. called
her on it a few times. then i just got tired of trying. when we were
about 18 or 19 she told a whopper that put our friendship in limbo for
about 3 years or so. now, at 28, she's back at it. drives me nuts.
juvenile. immature. etcetera etcetera. i lied my butt off as a kid.
everyone did. but we grow out of it. we grow up and we change. but
she hasn't. it's just frustrating. i can't understand why she
doesn't. i'm her oldest and dearest friend. guess that doesn't mean
too much anymore. remember when "BFF" meant the world? guess that
only lasts until high school graduation. another friend recently asked
why i was still friends with the lying girl. couldn't give an answer.
that irritated me. other than history, what do we still have in
common? pretty much nothing. except for the fact that she still lies
and i still listen to it.

if you were here/
i could deceive you/
if you were here/
you would believe...
-Thompson Twins

...and we're gonna get married

Engagement Pic 1
Originally uploaded by Jullet05.

so, yes, i'm engaged. to my childhood sweetheart. i know: awww. everyone at once. here's one of our engagement pix. aren't we cute. we've been together forever. let me spell that out for-ev-er. since we were 13 actually. we're crazy. but no, it hasn't been consecutive time. unfortunately. that part makes me sad. hate to think that we've been with other people. but, uh, yeah. our wedding plans are going great. and we're crazy in love with each other. my fiance, he's great. obviously. i love him more than life itself. he's a goofball. we wanted this small family-only ceremony. we don't think that marriage is about the big party or anything like that. so we wanted small and intimate. it's turned into thjis 250 guess affair. not exactly what we had in mind. none of our wedding party lives in town. so that's a bit nuts. and i admit that i'm scared that my maid of honor won't show up. that's a nightmare for me. i know that my groom will show :) just worried about my moh. my bridesmaid has been fabulous! she searched out the maids dresses. they're gorgeous. my junior bridesmaid and flower girl will be adorable. we just have to get the tuxes. and the cake. been talking with bakers and designers. also been waking up craving cake. that's the fun part of wedding planning...

Confessions of a Yarn Junkie

so i go to wally world on the pretense of buying a new book shelf for my home office. they are, of course, out of them. i was there only 3 days ago to buy a book shelf. and now they're out. maybe next week, they tell me. k. no biggie. but i'm in cleaning my office mode. spent all day yesterday dismantling my old shelving system (plastic crates, anyone?). i love my new shelf, but of course not everything fits in them. *scream* so frustrating. so i went to get another one. already said that. anyway. ended up wandering the yarn aisle. go figure. i promised my fiance that i wouldn't turn our house in to a yarn barn. that promise was broken about a day after i made it. i am a yarn junkie. i suffer from yarn acquisition syndrome (YAS). badly. i also have pattern acquisition syndrome (PAS), but that's another story. wasn't planning on buying anything today since i don't *need* anything (but do i ever?) nor have any projects in mind for new yarn. but i found some rh that i've never seen before. and also had to get some fuzzy stuff to play with. came home and sat down with a different bag of yarn that i purchased a few weeks ago to make a funky scarf. been wanting to play with this stuff. unfortunately, i'm not too impressed. but it looks good. so add another wip to my ever growing list....