devastation

found out yesterday that we are not pregnant. think we miscarried. not exactly sure what’s going on. but i went to the doc on monday for a blood test, and they called tuesday morning to tell me that all their labs came back negative. so we tested again last night and it was negative. so confused. went back to the doc for another blood test today at their request. they said that they tested the monday labs twice. so the best we can figure out is that at some point i was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. i had to have been at some point in order for the test to get a positive, and to be on day 57. today is 57 and counting. so angry. confused. feel humiliated. but this is something that i guess happens to everyone. and better to miscarry now than six months from now. so i don’t know. we’re really upset. our families are upset for us. hubby bubby sent me flowers today. so sweet. it actually worked out that i only had one client today, early this morning, so i was home by 1130, and that’s after going to the doc. so it was a nice lazy day for me. sat on the couch most of the day catching up on tivo. watched a great movie on lifetime about teen syphilis. so i got flowers, and my dad stopped by. i know he and mom are having a hard time with this too. they were so excited about being grandparents - they didn’t think it would ever happen. we just feel so let down. after six months of trying... we’ll keep going, but i know, at least for me, it’ll be hard to be excited about the next positive test until we get some kind of doctor confirmation and past this part of it. it’s kinda like when i was fired from that place after only a day and a half without explanation, and then going to work at adapt. i was on edge for the first few days waiting for the shoe to drop. now i know that it was an anomaly and wasn’t going to happen like that again. kinda like the irrational thoughts i was having yesterday. i know they were totally irrational, but i was looking for some explanation. i irrationally thought that i jinxed us by saying “guess I'm not pregnant anymore” when the digital read on the pregnancy test went out monday night. i know that’s stupid, but i was so angry and trying to figure it out. or maybe we jinxed it by telling everyone immediately. another irrational thought. I'm getting all “therapist-y” on myself here. hubby’s trying to be strong for me, but i know that he’s devastated too. and i know that shocks him to the core. he didn’t think he’d ever want kids. and i know that he’s shocked at how much he’s wanted to have one the last few months. how much we both want this. so we know that it’ll happen. we hope that it’ll happen. now we just have the daunting task of telling everyone we’ve already told that we’re not pregnant this go around.

this sucks