ramblings

the last two weeks have been an utter mess. frustrating. confusing. aggravating. feeling lost and without direction. lots of theories and hypotheses, but still no answers. we do know now, after seeing the doc yesterday, that it wasn’t an actual miscarriage. doc thinks that my hormone levels are screwy which created a false positive. so emotionally draining. she took three vials of blood to run a bunch of tests. now waiting on the results. suggested progesterone to kick start me, then clomid. clomid is scary. hubby bubby and i talked a lot about it. it increases the chances of having multiples. yikes! said if we get multiples we’re through having kids and he’s getting snipped! the multiples thing is scary. but we can’t do anything until we hear the results from the doc. so more waiting. but if we go the way of the progesterone and clomid, should be easy from there. hate this. we shouldn’t have these problems.

went to anniversary din with mom and dad last night. new place, franco. not bad. late night.

we’re all official at the ethical society. it’s a neat place. very open and friendly. got tagged to start a knitting and crochet group. didn’t mean to. but the application asked what kinds of groups we’d like to see at the es, and i wrote k&c for charity. that got turned in to “wants to start this group.” so i had several people approach me after platform last week about participating in it. so i guess that’s what I'm doing.

got the knit/crochet out at faust park this weekend. should be fun. we need more people to participate though. got a lot to do tonight for it that i’ve been putting off. bad me.

we’ve had some interesting connections lately. joined this online community that a friend told me about, and was immediately tagged bay girl i went to elementary school with, among other people. she married a guy that hubby bubby was friends with in high school. so we might get together some time. interesting.

so, hubby bubby and i celebrated 2 years last week. go us! we were supposed to go out with mom and dad that night, but dad was sick, so hubby bubby and i went out for bbq instead. yum. it’s been an amazing two years. november will be 19 years since our 1st date. wow. so much change and growth. have to acknowledge that.

and hubby bubby is starting college next month. crazy. so proud of him. it’s an online BA in graphic arts. AND he’s been looking on line at monster.com for a new job. he’s thinking about leaving the studio. that’s amazing. he’s so done there. there’s nothing there for him. the studio’s being run in to the ground and he doesn’t want to take it over anymore. don’t blame him. he’s so undervalued there. I'm surprised he put up with it for so long. i know why he did, but i know i would’ve been gone a long time ago. but I'm so happy for him.

devastation

found out yesterday that we are not pregnant. think we miscarried. not exactly sure what’s going on. but i went to the doc on monday for a blood test, and they called tuesday morning to tell me that all their labs came back negative. so we tested again last night and it was negative. so confused. went back to the doc for another blood test today at their request. they said that they tested the monday labs twice. so the best we can figure out is that at some point i was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. i had to have been at some point in order for the test to get a positive, and to be on day 57. today is 57 and counting. so angry. confused. feel humiliated. but this is something that i guess happens to everyone. and better to miscarry now than six months from now. so i don’t know. we’re really upset. our families are upset for us. hubby bubby sent me flowers today. so sweet. it actually worked out that i only had one client today, early this morning, so i was home by 1130, and that’s after going to the doc. so it was a nice lazy day for me. sat on the couch most of the day catching up on tivo. watched a great movie on lifetime about teen syphilis. so i got flowers, and my dad stopped by. i know he and mom are having a hard time with this too. they were so excited about being grandparents - they didn’t think it would ever happen. we just feel so let down. after six months of trying... we’ll keep going, but i know, at least for me, it’ll be hard to be excited about the next positive test until we get some kind of doctor confirmation and past this part of it. it’s kinda like when i was fired from that place after only a day and a half without explanation, and then going to work at adapt. i was on edge for the first few days waiting for the shoe to drop. now i know that it was an anomaly and wasn’t going to happen like that again. kinda like the irrational thoughts i was having yesterday. i know they were totally irrational, but i was looking for some explanation. i irrationally thought that i jinxed us by saying “guess I'm not pregnant anymore” when the digital read on the pregnancy test went out monday night. i know that’s stupid, but i was so angry and trying to figure it out. or maybe we jinxed it by telling everyone immediately. another irrational thought. I'm getting all “therapist-y” on myself here. hubby’s trying to be strong for me, but i know that he’s devastated too. and i know that shocks him to the core. he didn’t think he’d ever want kids. and i know that he’s shocked at how much he’s wanted to have one the last few months. how much we both want this. so we know that it’ll happen. we hope that it’ll happen. now we just have the daunting task of telling everyone we’ve already told that we’re not pregnant this go around.

this sucks

yesterday...

we found out that we're pregnant! Omg! So excited. Still trying to figure out if it's real. Hubby and i have been flipping out.


We tested when we got back from oregon. I think we were at or around day 40 by then. But it was negative. Tested again a few days later, before we left for nashville. Still negative. Called the dr. They said to wait a week, and then test again if i didn't start. So we went to nashville (more on that later), got back and tested last wednesday. Still negative. Called the dr AGAIN. Made an appt to go in later in the month. They were talking about fertility drugs and testing my levels, etc. All that fun stuff. So yesterday i was thinking about it. Wasn't showing any signs of starting. Had some mild cramping in oregon, and very little in nashville. There was one test left in the box, and i thought "what the hell." i've been splurging on the digital tests since i can't make heads or tails out of the "analog" ones for the life of me! So the digital ones read "pregnant" or "not pregnant." very simple for me to follow. I've gotten so used to seeing the ones that read "not pregnant" that i had to do a double take. Hubby was home in his office, so i took the test in to him. He wass floored. We were both speechless. A lot of "oh my godding." a lot of happy crying. We called his mom first (she lives in maine, and we were going to be leaving to see my parents right after). She cried too. My parents... Are very excited. We went in to my parent's kitchen, and my mom was at the table. Dad came in and asked hubby about his test (another back story that i will explain later). Hubby was standing behind me with his arms around me and his head on my shoulder. He was confused bcs he thought they were talking about MY test already. So i said "different test." mom and dad looked confused, and i just blurted out with it. Couldn't finess my way through it. They're thrilled. Mom cried, then promptly ordered a margarita at the mexican restaurant! She told me today that she thinks that instead of being called "grandma" she'd liked to be called "queen." i told her we'd think about it. Crazy.

So that's my story about that. I'M PREGNANT. Yea!!!!

Now for the back stories...

Hubby decided a few weeks ago that he'd like to get a college degree. He currently has only a high school diploma. He's talked about this on and off for a few years. Refuses to call to a "brick and mortar" school though. He found an on-line degree program in graphic design - the art institute of pittsburgh. It's supposedly pretty prestigious. So he applied, was accepted, enrolled. Had to take a placement test yesterday for math and english (the aforementioned test). He passed. Classes start in october.

Nashville was very cool. A whole town devoted to country music? Sign me up! We went to the grand ole opry. Very fun. Toured the hermitage and belle meade plantations. Bought me a digital camera. Welcome to the 21st century. So there will be pictures from time to time. What else did we do in nashville? Got aggravated with hotel staff. The hotel listing on-line was vague about the shuttle servive, but noted that they offered free shuttle service to the airport, opry & downtown area. Well, they failed to mention that the airport service is only on the hour, and that the opry is only once every four hours. There was a whole bruhaha about the opry shuttle since we had tickets. It got worked out. But we were not happy campers. Oh - we went to the country music hall of fame and the old rca studio b. Very cool. Played glow-in-the-dark mini golf. Went on a ghost tour of the city. Took a horse and carriage ride through the downtown area. Went to ernest tubbs record co, a place that has only country and bluegrass. Nice.

What other stories can i tell today? I should be working on my notes for work. Didn't plan on writing for an hour while waiting for a client to be out of her doctor's appt. Hee hee. No yarn for me today. Wanted to do some of the journaling instead. Get ready for baby journaling!