crash bang

everyone says that's what you hear when you're in a car accident, but really, it's not.

you hear your heart start pounding an incredible bass line. almost makes you want to dance, but not quite. you hear your blood start boiling with anger at the idiot who wasn't paying attention. you hear the sound of your hard-earned money *cha-ching* falling out of your bank account and hitting the floor of the insurance company. you hear the tilting laugh of the insurance company as they raise your insurance rates. you hear yourself thinking - well, there goes everything else i had planned for this afternoon. you hear the cars honking around you, telling you - as if you didn't already know - that you're blocking traffic. you hear people driving by, tsk-tsk-ing at the accident site, wondering what happened.

so you pull over and try to assess the damage to both car and body. body - everything's in tact. vision's a little fuzzy. oh wait - where are my glasses? there they are - on the passenger-side floorboard. headache's beginning to form from the impact. neck's moving. remember to breathe. get out. check the car. try to not cry when the hood is dented and tented. the front license plate looks like a "v" and the bumper does too. the bumper is barely hanging on by a thread, and you can see the inside of the bumper - the metal part - and that looks like it's gonna fall off too. did you know that there was something that looks like styrofoam core inside the bumper? and uhm, why didn't the airbag deploy?

try not to scream when you see that the offending car barely has a scratch on it. smirk just a little bit when you notice that the driver's side light has fallen out. watch the offending driver get out of her car, shaking her head at your - like it's your fault that she plowed almost head-first into you. didn't you know that? it's also your fault that the city created two-way turn lanes.

so you call the cops. call your husband. call the insurance agent. exchange information with the offending driver, who will now be affectionately known as "the bitch who smashed my car." thank the officer for his help. figure out - between your husband (who has left work without being asked to come make sure you're alright) and insurance agent - what the best course of action is. find out that your car is drivable, and plan to meet your husband back at the house so that he can then take you to the rental car place.

your car's fine moving out of the parking lot and into traffic. call your very understanding and empathetic boss to let her know what happened since you're technically still on company time (realize how much you love your new job and boss). get about 100 feet and then the bumper of your car falls off, and you've inadvertantly rolled over it. pull to the center lane, put on the hazards. call the police dept - again. have them send a tow truck who will lift your car up, remove the bumper from underneath it, then set it down again - all while you're in the car. pay the nice tow truck man $45 for his quick services. go home. go to car rental company. get rental car. go home.

have a fun afternoon?