...but not as we know it

he left. he actually left. not exactly sure how this all started. but he left. and i don’t know if he’s coming back. or what this means. or how it will get resolved. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. i feel betrayed. nothing has ever gone this far before. we don’t get in to it often. but i guess when we do...i don’t know. i just don’t know.

he came home from work. wouldn’t really talk to me. didn’t even kiss me hello. i was on the couch. with the computer. half-assing around. (just fyi: he just pulled back in to the garage. whew). he wasn’t talking. asked him to tell me about his day. he wasn’t really forthcoming. so i turned on wheel of fortune. asked what he wanted for dinner, and went to the pantry. pasta. mac and cheese. some turkey bake thingy. frozen egg rolls. frozen pizza rolls. easy stuff that i could make while i have a concussion. he says he’ll nuke a pizza later. got me thinking. you know, every day, no matter what kind of day i’ve had or how tired i am, i cook dinner for us. and i would’ve thought that while i’ve been couch-ridden the last two weeks, he might’ve done the same. but no. it was heat a can of spaghetti-o’ or a frozen pizza. order out. go out. so that kinda got me going a little. but that part comes later.

i tell him that i finally heard from his step-mother. he says that he did, too, and she’s bringing dinner over on thursday night. interesting, since when i talked with her, i told her not to bother. so now we have the problem of cleaning the house. it’s a absolute mess. but that’s exactly why i told her not to come, because i don’t feel up to cleaning right now. and i mention that. could we go out somewhere with her? could we go to her house? no, she’s coming here. well, I'm not really feeling up to cleaning quite yet. moving around too much still makes me feel woozy. “well that’s selective, isn’t it.” huh? really? and then he walks away without justifying his accusation. so I'm thinking, what the fuck?

“well, you’ve been driving, haven’t you?” yes, but only to job interviews. oh, and one night last week when you wouldn’t take the movies back to the rental store so we could avoid a $20 late fee. “but you have been driving.” again, yes, in those two situations. how else am i going to get to the interviews? if i want to find a new job, I'm going to have to interview. and do you know how the driving made me feel? that watching traffic made me feel dizzy. that i felt light-headed. “and we’ve been going out. you were shopping last night.” yes, but do you know how it made my head feel afterwards? do you? “well, why didn’t you tell me?” bcs. bcs it seems that every time i mention how I'm feeling, your attitude is ‘enough already.’ it doesn’t seem like you care to hear how dizzy some activity makes me, so i don’t tell you. why should i bore you with this? “but then why did you tell your mother that you exaggerated your symptoms to the doctor bcs you were scared to go back to work?” that’s not exactly what i said to her. you weren’t paying attention to the conversation, and only heard that bit, which is now being taken out of context. and why are we arguing about this anyway?

he walked away and went in his office. i don’t know what happened. i don’t know how things escalated. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i just don’t know.

then he comes out and apologizes. at least about the misunderstanding what i said to my mother. “but if we’re being honest, the dizziness seems selective.” okay. if we’re being honest, I'm really disappointed that you haven’t thought to cook dinner for us the last two weeks. “i think there’s somewhere else i have to be.” and he left. he left. he left.

i feel like the bottom just dropped out, and there’s nothing to grab on to. i don’t know what’s going to happen. soft landing? or finit? i don’t feel that we were even arguing about something concrete. i can’t find the basis. am i wrong? is he? what happens now?

I'm feeling so fragile. hate this feeling. if i start crying, i feel like i wouldn’t stop. in the course of our marriage, i have never had this feeling before. the feeling that we passed the point of no return. and over what? please tell me! over what?

it’s life jim...