procrastination rocks

i'm doing well.  just constantly tired.  not sleeping well.  little bugger wakes me up a million times during the night to pee.  then i have trouble falling back asleep.  i'm hoping that i'll be able to get back on a schedule this coming week.  i've had no schedule whatsoever for the past two months.  it's funny how things work out.  now that i'm pregnant, i would've been starting to look for another job anyway - my old job was too hazardous to do while pregnant.  i mean, it could be done, and others had done it before me, but i wouldn't have liked it.  so it ended up working out just fine that i quit when i did.  i was already pregnant, just didn't know it yet.  but i'm excited about starting the new job tomorrow.  i went to a staff meeting last week to meet people and get a little bit acclimated.  there's going to be sooooo much to learn.  kinda scary.  but a good kind of scary for me.  it's a huge step up from what i was doing before.  looking forward to getting my office set up.  we bought me a little ipod speaker dock for my office that i can also plug my xm radio in to.  

finally got all the licensure paperwork filed.  that has been a huge pain in the ass.  after i passed the exam, i sent in for my provisional license, but had my old licensing supervisor and job site listed.  they apparently don't transfer, and my old supervisor wouldn't continue supervising me.  so i had to fill out a new set of paperwork, and my mom was going to supervise me for licensure.  but apparently we can't do that.  so i had to scramble to find another supervisor and get that paperwork signed.  i had the same damn piece of paper notorized three times at my bank - the lady kept looking at me funny!  oh well.  it's over.

pregnancy is going well.  i'm just about 8 weeks, and haven't really felt too badly.  was kind of concerned that i'm not experiencing "common" morning sickness symptoms, but the doc said that was fine, and to enjoy it.  so i am.  it's not too bad.  just feel like i have my period all the time, crampy-like. i feel like this is much easier than everyone says that it is!  i wish this for everyone!  we had our second ultrasound on friday. i was starting to get worried about the baby, especially since i wasn't feeling sick.  plus, two of my girlfriends who were as far along as i am recently miscarried.  and while i know that there's no correlation, it still made me stop and think.  feel so bad for them.  makes me feel bad for being happy.  but i know they want me to be happy.  i'm already getting huge!  between being on bed rest for six weeks and being pregnant, i'm going to start looking like a house before this is over!

not much else is going on. just looking forward to starting work. been getting bored at home. haven’t been doing much. little bit of knitting here and there. reading pregnancy books and updating the pregnancy organizer/journal. watching dumb tv. really dumb tv. at least i weened myself off 90210... finally picked pictures out of our wedding album proof book. mom’ll be happy. went through it last night and picked the pix we wanted for our album, and the ones for individual pictures, 8x10s, etc. got inspired by putting the sonogram pictures in a little brag book. go me. only took a little over two and a half years...

baby on the brain

had the first ultrasound yesterday!!!!!! so exciting. baby is 5-mm long (1/6 of an inch), and 6 weeks old. crazy for all the nausea I'm having. hubby bubby and i are being incredibly dorky. showing off our first baby pictures. but we’re excited. and like i just finished telling a friend, we’re probably exactly like the millions of first-time expectant parents before us, but since this is so new to us, we feel dorky. and are probably boring and annoying people to death already. trying not to. we’re just excited. after trying for sooooooo long... hubby bubby beshert has been a little gigglebot the last few days. it’s so cute.

went to the zoo today with a girlfriend and her daughter. lots of fun. really nice day out. baby isn’t letting me eat very much, or very healthy. but i guess right now i just eat what i can. so far the “morning sickness” hasn’t been too bad. just constant nausea and mild cramping. here’s hoping it stays this way ☺

DEFINITELY!!!!!!

okay, so 8 tests between thursday and this morning. had the blood test on friday. the doctors all laughed at me when i asked their professional opinions about the number of positive tests. got the official results this afternoon: I AM PREGNANT!!!!! i promised no more peeing on sticks. hubby bubby was laughing at me every morning when i would test. but i just couldn’t believe it. still can’t. we go for the ultrasound tomorrow.

we are obviously thrilled. it’s been a long crazy year of all this trying. we weren’t even really trying this last cycle bcs of my head injury. i know, too much information.

saturday was passover. lots of people at my parent’s house. i was so nauseous i couldn’t eat. ate matzoh throughout the entire service, and two and half matzoh balls for dinner. had to keep going outside for fresh air. it was all the food smells. once they were gone i started to feel better.

so our families are of course over the moon. mom and dad are freaking out as much as we are. mom has been restraining dad from telling everyone until we knew for sure. just got an email from a girlfriend, and she’s pregnant too! and about as far along as i am (6 weeks, we think). so now i have a pregnancy buddy. hurray!

I'm trying to breathe and concentrate on other things, but it’s very difficult ☺

maybe???

big week for me... passed the licensure exam on monday (yeah yeah, i know, enough already), was offered a job today, AND... had three positive pregnancy tests. breathe.

which news first? the job. had my third meeting at bgtm this afternoon. it was to meet with the new residential director to make sure that we click. i met with the vp first, the with the rd. the new rd is nice. she’s brand new. anyway. she offered me the position, and i accepted. start on may 5th. residential therapist. own office. bigger salary. very happy. feeling very surreal.

while i was getting ready for the meeting earlier, i decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm on day 45 or something, very mild cramping. i was vomiting last week, and i never vomit. thought it might be food poisoning or something, but it wasn’t anything that i ate that night. kept meaning to test, but every time i have in the past, my period’s started the next day. so didn’t want to waste the time or money. but thought, what the hell, earlier. been nauseous and light-headed lately. oh wow. it was positive. called hubby bubby. he’s excited. but it’s so hard after last time. i’ve taken three tests so far and they’ve all been positive. so i’ll test again in the morning, and call the doc if it’s still positive. it was very hard to concentrate during the meeting at bgtm. i keep checking the tests to make sure I'm reading them right.

will keep ya posted...

go me!

i passed!!!! hurray!!!! there are not enough exclamation points to express how happy i am that i passed and never have to take that damn exam again. it was a bitch. absolutely ridiculous. but it’s over. took it on the 14th. i have never studied so hard for an exam in my whole entire life. never. i even made flash cards. yes, flash cards. they were helpful. i was a nervous wreck throughout the whole exam. test anxiety ran rampant. would be fine for a little bit, then would start thinking about the ramifications of failing the test. have a little panic attack. talk myself off the ledge. the test was like nothing that i prepared for. nothing. i held my breath as i waited for the results. had to take this survey about the testing center before getting my score. i thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest waiting. i still don’t know what my actual score was. but it doesn’t really matter. all that matters is that i passed. and that i never have to take the test again. i would like to know my score, though. or maybe not. but i started a blog about the exam with some tips that helped me. apparently, according to several personal sources, not many people pass it on the first try. whew!

my darling hubby bubby beshert sent me flowers. he’s so cute. we went to chang’s that night to celebrate. sal took us out last night. and we went out with grandma tonight. but that was bcs grandpa is out of town. we didn’t tell her about the exam. not sure she would’ve gotten it. my parent’s haven’t offered to do anything special for me. kinda sad about that. i know they know the importance of the exam. I'm sorry - I'm feeling a little self-important right now. very proud of myself. don’t mean to be boastful and overall full of myself. just happy that I'm done with the blasted thing.

have a third meeting with bgtm tomorrow afternoon. meeting with the new residential director. hopefully this will be the last meeting before an offer is extended. made my first cobra payment today - not happy about that. don’t want to do that for another month.

so relieved about our taxes. they were about $7000 less than we thought they were going to be. yeah, that much. we sold our rental property last year, and were expecting to pay a huge capital gains tax. we had enough charitable donations and other deductions to offset the capital gains taxes. we still owed money, but it wasn’t nearly as much as we thought it would be. so we’re happy. plus, the tax accountant found errors in our 2004-2006 taxes, so we’re going to be getting a refund from those years. I'm still freaking out about money. will continue freaking out until i resume being gainfully employed.

speaking of... i went by my old office last week to return the emergency car kit and fire extinguisher. felt totally dismissed. they weren’t exactly rude, but they weren’t friendly either. had to keep telling myself that it was business, not personal. my former supervisor acted totally indifferent towards me. it hurt. i understand that i sorta put them in a bad position having to fill my job without real notice. but like she said at the time, it was expected. they knew it was coming. after everything, it hurt.

made a bunch of beaded stitch markers today. need to take pictures so i can list them on etsy. it was fun. went to kirkwood knittery yesterday. bought myself some koigu as a celebratory present. loooooove koigu. need to do some finishing of projects.

all good things people....

nerd alert

busy week. been spending most of it studying for the licensing exam. it’s scheduled. been pretty mean about not telling anyone when it’s scheduled for. don’t need any more pressure. i put enough on myself as it is. still scary. test anxiety is lessening. never studied this much for an exam before in my life. but i’ve been at starbucks and the library for most of the day. doing all right on the practice tests. but am starting to memorize the questions and answers. need to make sure I'm memorizing the material instead. from what i understand, the test is pure memorization. so based on the practice exams, i know where my weaknesses are and can focus on them.

oh, this is frustrating: hadn’t heard anything back from the doctor with test results from last week, so i called yesterday. they couldn’t find where they sent my blood for testing. that really instilled confidence in my doctor. they said, we’re sorry but we don’t know where it is. then, i get a third call back from the office asking when and where i gave the sample. uhm, in your office after the consultation. frustrating. they called me back today to let me know that they found the sample and had some of the results. everything looked good. so just going from there.

what else? still interviewing. got the third call from bgtm. they’re very interested. going for a drug screening tomorrow for them. i’ve been unofficially offered a position with them pending a passing score on the licensing exam. so that’s really good. talked with the vp there on monday, and she wants for me to call her after the exam. then she’s going to set up a meeting with me and the new residential therapy director. but the unspoken offer is there. had an interview today with another residential agency that is attached to a children’s psychiatric hospital. they want to see me again for a second interview late next week. so we’ll see. I'm not counting my chickens yet...

haven’t been doing anything except studying really. watching a little tv. i was about to mention how boring my life is, but we all know what happens when i do that...

miss mary sunshine

yea: more not sleeping. i was almost asleep until i had some random vision of a guy getting in my car and pulling out a gun. joy. figured i better type it out.

so. yesterday i quit. it was so raw and emotional. so difficult to do. and i struggled with it. had gone to the doctor for a follow up. she said that my head’s gonna hurt for a while. the bruising will disappear on it’s own, both on my hand and my head. and i was definitely fighting with ptsd. she wrote me out for another two weeks. hmmm... i had already decided that i wasn’t going back to work, and was planning on quitting anyway. she suggested that i take the two weeks to think about it, use the workman’s comp time, then go in and quit. i didn’t think that was a very ethical choice, and told her so. it just didn’t seem right.

but i continued to struggle with the option on the way to the office. it was a paycheck and health insurance for two more weeks. but the end result was going to be the same. so i called hubby bubby. he agreed with me. i called my dad. he agreed with me, and couldn’t quite understand why i was calling him when it seemed that i had figured it out. we came up with a way to present it to my supervisor.

she and i made small talk. she asked me how i was doing. we talked about the client who had attacked me. talked about a few other clients. then i broke it out. so i actually came here today to give you my two week’s notice. i thought so, she said, it was expected. as it turns out, my doctor wrote me out for another two weeks, so I'm not sure how you guys want to handle that in terms of workman’s comp, or using vacation or sick time. she said she’d check in to it.

i told her how much i’d enjoyed my time there, and how i felt i’d grown personally and professionally. yada yada yada. she said nice things about me and my work and how much they’d miss me. i said that this wasn’t how i would’ve liked things to go. that i would’ve liked to give her, the agency, and my clients proper notice. that i would’ve liked to say goodbye to my clients and co-workers. i told her about the doctor’s suggestion and how i didn’t think that it would ethical or right. she agreed. she said that she would be happy to provide glowing references if asked. she was speechless. she understood why i couldn’t come back. it was all bittersweet.

i got in my car and cried. it was relief. relief that i wouldn’t have to put myself in any type of similar situation. relief that i could now move on. relief that the whole telling the supervisor I'm quitting part was over. i went home.

got a call from hubby bubby about three minutes after i walked in the door. his grandparents needed stuff at the grocery store. so i went to pick up grandpa and took him to the store. then went back and talked with him and grandma for a bit. they knew that we were going to the baseball game later, and grandma told me a story about a little boy named jose who went to a ball game for the first time in his life, and everyone was so concerned if he could see the field. cute.

the ball game. one of the families that i sit for occasionally offered us tickets for last night’s game. very sweet. great timing. so i left the grandparent’s house to pick up the tickets. the game was good, and a nice distraction. stadium hot dogs always make me happy. cards won 8-3 against the rockies. we had a fun time. it was so cold out though. so we bought jackets.

today. we went to see the fertility specialist this morning. that was fun. at least we have a better idea now of what’s going on and why i haven’t been able to get pregnant. i apparently have something called polycystic ovarian syndrome. basically it means that my body doesn't know how to ovulate. isn’t that nice. the doctor suggested several measures of treatment. all very enjoyable and cheap, of course. we’re going to stick with ockham’s razor on this one. simplest things first. and I'm especially freaking out about it bcs of the cost and I'm not sure how much longer i’ll have insurance unless i get another job or take cobra. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. and hubby bubby wonders why I'm so blue. he asked me again tonight if i was okay. sure. I'm about as good as someone who has a head injury, is unemployed and not able to get pregnant can be. aren’t i just a ball of sunshine.

i finally went to the grocery store today. first time in almost a month. saw a co-worker there with one of her clients. very awkward. very sad.

been feeling a little something like buyer’s remorse today. keep questioning if i did the right thing in quitting yesterday. i know for my own personal sanity, it was absolutely the right thing to do. but financially? no way. I'm so freaked out about the money. and health insurance. the cost is ridiculous to put me on my husband’s plan. cobra’s gonna be a lot too. I'm so scared of running through our savings. then what? i’ve been sending out a bunch of resumes. learning how to “apply online.” hate that. would much rather just fax my cv and cover letter. but I'm getting better. even emailed a bunch. whatever way they want it, right. i haven’t heard back from anywhere really. i’ve lost count of how many i sent out, but haven’t been hearing back one way or another. not even the thanks but no thanks form letters. hmmm... almost makes me wonder if they got them. nah, they’re probably buried under a pile of other ones on someone’s desk. and i haven’t heard from the place where i had two interviews. no news is good news?

yeah, i know i said that i’d come back with a better attitude. but i think that given the circumstances, it’s understandable why i haven’t. am i feeling sorry for myself? yes. absolutely.

on the up side... i finished the gorgeous rainbow shawl today. go me. just need to block it out now. ah, there’s my sunny attitude ;) can’t you hear it in my typing?!?! also dyed another skein of cascade 220, the last to finish my technicolor circle of death shawl. it’s drying in the garage. it was a pretty easy shawl to make. just tedious, hence, circle of death.

i better try to get some sleep. I'm meeting with one of my step-MIL’s employees tomorrow morning. she’s been helping me network, and he’s apparently very well connected. then i’ve got the garage door people coming out to look at the door. ever since hubby bubby tried to back out of the garage without opening the door first, the door just hasn’t been working right. go figure.

keep ya posted...

there is a name for it, you know

i’ve been a roaring ball of emotions for the last few days. especially today, as evidenced by my earlier post. i’ve been vacillating. i think it all came to a head earlier today when my hubby bubby came home to find me balled into a corner of the shower. sobbing.

i’d been on the verge all day. afraid to think what i was thinking. i got in to the shower, and just started bawling. i couldn’t stop. i was trying to wash my hair, and it hurt so badly. and it made me think of why it hurt so badly. and i couldn’t stop crying. i’d lather up, and have to stop for a few minutes. at one point i just sunk into the floor of the shower. that’s where i was when hubby bubby got home from work. must’ve scared the hell out of him. he wanted to know what was so horrible that i was in this uncontrollable state. “i don’t want to go back to work,” i choked out. his response: “then don’t.” do i have the best hubby bubby beshert, or what?

so i got out of the shower and got dressed. he talked. he made sense. i was still a blubbering mess. he said that it’s not worth it to feel this way. no amount of money is worth my safety. or my head. and we’d find a way to get by financially. and our families wouldn’t let us starve. or become homeless. he said something that he’s never said before, which was later echoed by my parents: “i never wanted for you to take this job. not after what i knew it entailed.” but he is never one to tell me not to do something. he’s been scared for me. for two freaking years he’s been scared for me and the phone calls that came. I'm sorry honey, i didn’t mean to scare you.

we had already been talking about me quitting. hell, i’ve been interviewing for other jobs. but i expected to go back to work for a couple weeks, then put in my proper two weeks notice, etc. the problem is, every time i think about going back to work, i freak out. which lead me to be the roaring ball of emotions.

so i called my parents and asked if we could come over. i didn’t explain why, which made them both very nervous. and i could’ve talked with them about this over the phone, but i felt like they needed to see the emotion. so we went over there immediately. and i told them that i had to quit my job, and that i was scared, and couldn’t get past it. my mother, the social worker, had the audacity to say to me, the social worker, “there is a name for what you’re going through, you know. ptsd.” uh, yeah, duh. thank you. and i realized, with brilliant clarity, that i really don’t have it all together in that department, and my blase act was to mask the ptsd i was experiencing. again, duh.

but my parents were cooler about it than i thought they’d be. they told me how scared they were for me, and that they hadn’t wanted for me to take this job to begin with either. and they said that they would help us financially if we needed it.

that’s my biggest problem with this, the financial aspect. I'm so scared to put us in this financial position. i mean, we’ve got savings, and we’re doing pretty well. but that’s on two incomes. and before we pay our enormous taxes that we are sure to have this year since we sold our rental property last year, all capital gains. uhg. so I'm afraid to syphon money out of the savings to pay current bills. luckily i won’t have to worry about that for a few weeks. i paid all our bills last night. so our mortgage is current until next month, my car’s not due until the end of the month. cable, gas and electric are paid. and we’re not going to starve. still scary.

so I'm to call my supervisor in the morning and ask to see her during the day, either before or after my doctor’s appointment. I'm sure that my resignation is to be expected. but that doesn’t make it any easier. obviously not, given that it’s now after 1a, and I'm in my office typing instead of in bed. so now i need to do what i’ve been telling other people to do...

breathe. just breathe

perspective

i am so bored. b.o.r.e.d. been off work for three and a half weeks now. been on the couch for most of it. watching movies and dumb tv. but as bored as i am, i don't want to go back to work. i am scared. as much as i realize that this was (most likely) an isolated incident, a part of me wonders if it'll happen again. and i can't help but be nervous that it will. every time a client gets the least bit agitated, i'm going to wonder if they're going to attack. i'm going to be nervous being alone with a client, especially if there's no one around to assist if necessary. i just don't know what to do. i'm going back to the doctor tomorrow. the mri results were negative, which is good. they showed bruising, which is not normal, but to be expected. my hand is still sore and bruised, and my head still hurts. especially when i wash my hair, i have to be very careful, or if i'm lying down on my back. uh, yeah, none of that. all right, not too much of that ;) but yes, i am scared to go back to work. and so bored i'm watching an olsen twins movie from 1995. not to worry, 90210 is on soon. unfortunately, this is not an april fool's joke. here i go again...

so i've been working on this beautiful knitted shawl with kauni yarn. it's gorgeous. i'm so in love with the yarn and colorway. i'm getting close to finishing. this has been keeping me semi-sane and occupied. not much else has.

::sigh:: really don't like the way i'm feeling. don't like feeling so down on myself. just nothing going on. i'm home by myself for nine hours a day. the cats are comforting. but they don't talk. and i can only call my husband or i-m my friends while they're at work so much.

i did register for the licensing exam. that's pretty big. another scary thing to me. registration has been accepted, and now just waiting for the official letter so i can schedule the exam. holding off on sending out any more resumes until after the exam. i haven't heard back from btgm yet for a 3rd interview. hopefully soon. but wouldn't be upset if i didn't hear from them until after i take the exam. the job is seemingly contingent upon me passing the exam. s.c.a.r.y.

i'm just rambling and feeling sorry for myself. i know that things could always be worse. one of my girlfriends found out yesterday that she miscarried and is having a d&c as i type. i feel so badly for her. been there done that. hubby bubby and i go to see the fertility specialist in two days. joy. hard to get excited about that. hopefully it will yield good results. i'm at the end of my cycle right now. just waiting at this point.

i will come back at a later date with a much sunnier attitude...

must

see:




read:

day after day

yes, he came home. yes, he apologized. yes, he agreed that he was acting like an ass. he said that he knew as he was saying what he said that he was wrong and being a jerk. and that once i called him an asshole, he had to leave to cool down. and he said that he would go grocery shopping after work today, and then cook dinner. so we came up with some easy-peasy fool-proof recipes for him to make. he makes the world’s best chili, so he’s going to do that, tacos, and pasta. i just can’t eat anything else out of a can.

i’ve been on the couch all day. mostly watching bad tv and chatting on line with some good old camp friends. it’s always interesting to me how relationships ebb and flow, and how with some people you can just pick up right where you left off. how relationships change and grow with distance. one girlfriend just switched jobs against her better judgement and is now miserable. so i’ve been trying to talk her out of her funk. another girlfriend offered to shop my resume to her agency that has offices all over the world. i’ll take whatever help i can get.

my MIL has been amazing. she knows everyone plus some, and has been sending my resume to them all. so helpful. it’s nice to have an in.

i was called for a second interview tomorrow with a children’s agency. nice. i’ll be interviewing with a different person who sounded very anxious to meet with me. she said that the woman i interviewed with earlier in the week had just been bugging her about me calling back. good sign, right? the only thing I'm concerned about with this job is that it is basically contingent on me passing the licensing exam. ugh. scary. i don’t test well to begin with, but with this added pressure... very scary.

got the MRI results back this morning, and everything looks good. just bruising on my brain, but no tears or anything. so that’s good. going back to my doctor in a week for a final check up. its been kinda nice having this time off, but I'm getting bored. my couch has a permanent ass print. though I'm still not sleeping well. still dizzy with too much movement. headaches.

oh - had an interview yesterday. the agency and job seemed interesting. but i get there, there’s no receptionist or anyone around, so i knock on an open door and say “hi, I'm here to see blah blah.” she says “go sit down, i’ll be right there.” okay. then she runs out and tells me that I'm going to watch a video first about the agency. okay. so i watch the video. she takes me back in her office, and starts telling me why the position is open. that’s nice. “are you familiar with st. louis?” yes, very, i grew up here. “good. the position is located at blah blah elementary school. it’s on kingshighway and thekla. do you know where that is?” yes, I'm familiar with that area. “how would you feel about doing home visits in that area?” I'm not comfortable with that, i don’t feel that it’s a very safe area. “and why is that?” i was car-jacked a few blocks from there a few months ago. i’ve had two work-related head injuries in the last four months which is why I'm looking elsewhere. “well, i guess we’re done here.” yes we are. very strange indeed.

been working on several crochet and knit projects. almost finished with my spiral of death shawl. I'm probably going to have to dye one more hank of yarn for it. really love hand dyeing with kool-aid. so quick and easy. and fun. I'm on the end of the spiral piping of this shawl, and i just know I'm going to run out of yarn before it’s finished. so i have to make my way over to an LYS for the yarn. and to the market for more kool-aid.

been getting set up on ravelry. it’s a really neat site. now just need to take pictures of projects to put up there.

that’s all that’s been going on here. it’s been pretty boring. but it’ll get better...

...but not as we know it

he left. he actually left. not exactly sure how this all started. but he left. and i don’t know if he’s coming back. or what this means. or how it will get resolved. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. i feel betrayed. nothing has ever gone this far before. we don’t get in to it often. but i guess when we do...i don’t know. i just don’t know.

he came home from work. wouldn’t really talk to me. didn’t even kiss me hello. i was on the couch. with the computer. half-assing around. (just fyi: he just pulled back in to the garage. whew). he wasn’t talking. asked him to tell me about his day. he wasn’t really forthcoming. so i turned on wheel of fortune. asked what he wanted for dinner, and went to the pantry. pasta. mac and cheese. some turkey bake thingy. frozen egg rolls. frozen pizza rolls. easy stuff that i could make while i have a concussion. he says he’ll nuke a pizza later. got me thinking. you know, every day, no matter what kind of day i’ve had or how tired i am, i cook dinner for us. and i would’ve thought that while i’ve been couch-ridden the last two weeks, he might’ve done the same. but no. it was heat a can of spaghetti-o’ or a frozen pizza. order out. go out. so that kinda got me going a little. but that part comes later.

i tell him that i finally heard from his step-mother. he says that he did, too, and she’s bringing dinner over on thursday night. interesting, since when i talked with her, i told her not to bother. so now we have the problem of cleaning the house. it’s a absolute mess. but that’s exactly why i told her not to come, because i don’t feel up to cleaning right now. and i mention that. could we go out somewhere with her? could we go to her house? no, she’s coming here. well, I'm not really feeling up to cleaning quite yet. moving around too much still makes me feel woozy. “well that’s selective, isn’t it.” huh? really? and then he walks away without justifying his accusation. so I'm thinking, what the fuck?

“well, you’ve been driving, haven’t you?” yes, but only to job interviews. oh, and one night last week when you wouldn’t take the movies back to the rental store so we could avoid a $20 late fee. “but you have been driving.” again, yes, in those two situations. how else am i going to get to the interviews? if i want to find a new job, I'm going to have to interview. and do you know how the driving made me feel? that watching traffic made me feel dizzy. that i felt light-headed. “and we’ve been going out. you were shopping last night.” yes, but do you know how it made my head feel afterwards? do you? “well, why didn’t you tell me?” bcs. bcs it seems that every time i mention how I'm feeling, your attitude is ‘enough already.’ it doesn’t seem like you care to hear how dizzy some activity makes me, so i don’t tell you. why should i bore you with this? “but then why did you tell your mother that you exaggerated your symptoms to the doctor bcs you were scared to go back to work?” that’s not exactly what i said to her. you weren’t paying attention to the conversation, and only heard that bit, which is now being taken out of context. and why are we arguing about this anyway?

he walked away and went in his office. i don’t know what happened. i don’t know how things escalated. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i just don’t know.

then he comes out and apologizes. at least about the misunderstanding what i said to my mother. “but if we’re being honest, the dizziness seems selective.” okay. if we’re being honest, I'm really disappointed that you haven’t thought to cook dinner for us the last two weeks. “i think there’s somewhere else i have to be.” and he left. he left. he left.

i feel like the bottom just dropped out, and there’s nothing to grab on to. i don’t know what’s going to happen. soft landing? or finit? i don’t feel that we were even arguing about something concrete. i can’t find the basis. am i wrong? is he? what happens now?

I'm feeling so fragile. hate this feeling. if i start crying, i feel like i wouldn’t stop. in the course of our marriage, i have never had this feeling before. the feeling that we passed the point of no return. and over what? please tell me! over what?

it’s life jim...

not happy that...

...it’s almost 2am on a sunday night
...i'm still awake
...i'm dizzy and nauseous still
...i'm having memory issues
...my head hurts...a lot
...my hand has turned an ugly shade of yellow and red
...people keep making jokes that my hand is bruised bcs i hit my husband
...beginning tomorrow, I'm on workman’s comp
...beginning tomorrow, workman’s comp pays only 2/3 of my salary
...i will most likely be off another week of work
...i feel like crap
...i’ve been big time grumpy all week
...i’ve also been big time whiney all week
...my family is scared for me to go back to work
...i'm scared for me to go back to work
...i drove my car for the first time today since the 10th
...i got motion sickness from driving
...moving around makes me feel like i was out drinking all night (too bad i wasn’t)
...people have said that they’re “disturbed” by what happened to me last week
...it took me getting beat up for my only aunt to call me after not speaking to me for over two years (bcs there weren’t “enough” pictures of her in our wedding photo proof book)
...the supervisors or co-workers at my agency haven’t expressed any concern
...my agency is governed by an HR entity that tells them to do stupid crap
...i have to be on workman’s comp
...my doctor doesn’t accept workman’s comp insurance
...workman’s comp insurance won’t reimburse me for my doctor visits
...there aren’t a lot of job listings posted on-line for clinical social workers
...i sent resumes for non social work jobs (ie-human resource manager)
...my agency isn’t doing more to support me (ie-find me an inside job)
...we have an appointment to see a fertility specialist next month
...everyone keeps asking when we’re going to start a family

*******************************************************************

happy that...
...i have a wonderful hubby bubby beshert
...good, caring friends, who keep checking up on me ☺
...i have a loving family
...i'm alive

the big question

i always say that things are crazy. sometimes it's my way of yada-yada-ing over daily crap. other times, it means that i've been running rampant. the last three days have been literally crazy stupid. i was physically attacked by a client on monday the 10th. i've been dizzy and disoriented since. on lots of pain meds. yes, i have a concussion. the second in less than four months. not happy about that. feel like crap. not thinking too clearly. but here's the skinny:

background on client: he's been with my agency for many years, and i've worked with him since i've been there. i've never had any real problems with him, and i don't think there have been at the agency. he has schizophrenia and is believed to have mild mental retardation. he is also forensic, which means that he was tried for a crime and found not guilty by reason of insanity. he has been living in the community for several years and has a forensic case monitor who makes sure that he meets his conditions of release. he is with my agency because he is forensic and required to be by his conditions of release. he lives in a group home (rcf - residential care facility) that monitors his medications and takes care of all his basic needs. he doesn't do anything all day except sleep and smoke. so i just drop in to see him when i can during the week. i see him once a week, and two of my co-workers see him once a week. it's just a home visit, he hardly ever needs to go anywhere.

so on monday...

i went over to the rcf to see him. the nurse got him out of his room since i refuse to go back there (have to pass through the indoor smoking area to get to his room, and it is way too smokey for me). so he came out, and seemed to be in a good mood. he was smiling and laughing. we went downstairs to the open kitchen area to talk and review paperwork. we were sitting at a table across from each other. he was laughing a lot and talking - his speech is really hard to understand, so i just nod along. i was trying to keep him focused on our paperwork - we were reviewing his quarterly progress report. he reached out to take my hand, and said that he wanted to hold my hand while he told me something. i said that it was not appropriate to hold my hand, but he could tell me whatever he wanted. he started talking about being in the military (we're not sure if he ever really was). i tried to redirect him to the paperwork. he began jerking his head around, a sign that he is symptomatic. then he started saying that he knew i had something to tell him and that i was hiding something. very calmly, i said that i didn't know what he was talking about. he said that i did, and asked again what i was hiding. again, calmly, i said that there was nothing i was hiding and didn't know what he was talking about. then he looked at me, and threw a punch that missed my face. i jumped up from the table and started running away, screaming. he's tall, about 6'5", and has long arms. he grabbed my neck and just started hitting the back of my head - which is probably all he could reach based on our height difference. he was just punching my head. he got in at least four punches. at one point i guess i put my right hand up to my head to try to protect it from the blows, but he got my hand instead. my right hand is swollen and bruised. someone (later found out it was the owner of the rcf) pulled him off me. i was hyperventilating and generally freaking out. i saw them getting him upstairs towards his room. he turned around and punched one of the nurses. i think he also punched another resident.

whew. so they called the police. i called his forensic case monitor, who is aptly named dick. just wanted to let him know what happened. he started telling me that i needed to get the client into metropolitan psychiatric center (mpc). i told him that i wasn't going to do anything at that moment bcs i had just been attacked by the client and was freaking out. i hung up on him. called my supervisor to let her know. among other things, she told me that if dick called me back to tell dick that he needed to do his job and take care of the client, i was no longer his social worker, and dick could call her if he had any questions. so when he eventually called me back, that's what i told him. gave the police my statement. my neck was bleeding from when he grabbed me, and there's a nice scratch there. the rcf cleaned it up. and the police took the client to mpc, where he is most likely going to stay. talked with my supervisor today and they are trying to get his conditions of release revoked so that he will not be allowed to live in the community.

once i was calm, and my client was contained, i drove myself from grand and page out to mo bap hospital on ballas. could've gone to st. mary's, but mo bap is so much nicer. asked for a tetanus shot since he had broken the skin, and i know how often he bathes (about once every two weeks), and there's always crud under his nails. i knew that i had a tetanus shot in the last ten years, but didn't think i had one in the last five. and figured it couldn't hurt. although it does now!

they did a ct scan and xrays of my hand. the triage nurses and ct tech remembered me from november. everyone wanted to know if i was going to be looking for a new job. so did my doctor today.

so that's what happened. my last 48 hours or so. my doctor has me on bed rest until at least next monday, possibly returning to work on tuesday. moving around isn't too much fun right now. i'm doing pretty well on the couch. but i get dizzy easily, and am wobbly. hubby bubby's been amazing. he met me at the hospital yesterday. i dragged him out of a recording session. he's been picking up prescriptions for me. i just sent him to the grocery store for me. he came back and made me dinner - granted it was spaghetti-o's.

i'm just hanging out on the couch now. my doctor was really concerned about these concussions and me not doing anything in the next few days that could exacerbate the condition. they didn't find anything on the ct scan, which is good. so i'm to take it easy, and not do too much for the next week. so that's my plan. a friend asked if i wanted to go to the zoo with her and her daughter tomorrow, which was really sweet, but not going to happen. i can barely walk a straight line right now. not that i can usually walk a straight line... but like i said, i'm getting dizzy easily and not thinking too clearly. i'm moving and thinking slowly.

so the question that everyone, including myself, keeps asking: am i going to find a new job? i'm not sure right now. i love what i do. i think i'm good at it. i like my agency. but i can't ignore the 2 concussions in 4 months. it's dangerous. duh. gotta consider the future. and head injuries aren't good. okay - just read the last few sentences. i am groggy from the meds, hee hee. i know that i need to do something. probably not a good idea to make these choices while on heavy meds. so i'm just going to take it easy and not really worry about it right now. the meds mess with my emotions anyway. start crying for seemingly no reason. sometimes it's bcs of the pain. other times, it's not for anything.

uhg! that's my story. gotta be done with the typing for now. later.

Puerto Vallarta, pt 2

on the plane back now. Home. Can't wait to get there. Strange thing about vacations: always can't wait to get away, but even harder to wait to get home. I miss my husband. I miss our cats. I even miss work and my clients. I miss my life.

luckily, the plane wasn't full, so i got to move from my squished up seat. I was in a row with two other people who both took up two seats with their girth. Now, we all know that i'm not one to talk about someone's weight, people in glass houses and all that, but i had literally half an airplane seat, and was leaning out into the aisle. Not fun. Especially since the seats are so small to begin with. So i got to move. In a row all by myself. Which is really nice. I don't want to talk to people on planes. I always feel like i'm yelling, and i don't hear too well anyway.

Not too much eventful happened after the double daquiris. The weather was often spotty, but we braved it out (me often under a blanket of towel) by the pool. I tried a wonderful new drink (well, new to me anyway, considering it'd been over a year since i had any alcohol) called the mojito. So yum. New favorite. Read 12 of the 13 books i had brought, plus one of mom's. Into the 13th one now. Pretty good. Needed a break from reading though.

we went to a couple different breakfast places, nothing memorable. Ate lunch by the pool, splitting a sandwich or chicken quesadilla. Dinner was probably the highlight. Wednesday night, afteer our 2nd massages (pure bliss), we went to tikul. Verry yum. Macademia nut encrusted seabass. Another new favorite. Shopping at little stores.

Thursday night we went to Archie's Wok, a perrenial favorite. I thought it was just okay. Not as good i remembered. But their mojito was better than the ones by the pool. Then we went to a little jewelry store in the area. Really pretty stuff. I bought 2 rings and 2 bracelets.

or, i should say, i tried to buy 2 rings and 2 bracelets. My credit card was denied :( as it turns out, the company had arbitrarily lowered my limit between the time i left for mexico, and thursday. They sent a letteer, i was told. That's very nice, thank you, but i'm in mexico, and this is the only card i brought with me, what can you do to help me so i can eat the next two days? Finally, i got a guy who was nice and understanding, and agreed to extend my limit a little for the next few days. Nothing like getting your credit card denied while on vacation. At least the story has a happy ending: mom paid for all my jewelry. I really found some gorgeous stuff.

had seen a little square ring in a store earlier in the week, but it didn't fit. Finally found it again in a little store downtown where the owner told me i was a very pretty woman and spoke excellent spanish. He knew how to sell.

let's see... Friday night we went to barcelona tapas bar. Not bad. Their daquiri was horrible though. Oh well. How easily we slip back in to old habits.

mom's been driving me crazy. Been a long time since i've traveled with her. So passive aggressive, and everything has to be her way or she tantrums. But quietly tantrums. It was just easier to say "sure, whatever, i don't care, whatever you'd like." then she'd say, "i need some help, i want your input." so i'd give it to her. We'd end up doing what she wanted in the end. Such a silly game. But i really didn't caree where we went to eat. It was all good. The only time it really bugged me was on the days that the sun wasn't out and she still wanted to be by the pool.

And i went parasailing. Such a wonderful experience. Really enjoyed it. Took my camera up with me and got pictures. It was the perfect day for it, too.

And i got to go inside a mexican Walmart. That was my quest for the trip. After i saw the store from the taxi on the way to our first night into downtown, i wanted to go there. Still not sure why. Just felt it had to be dramatically different than the ones at home. Everything is so americanized there now. Kinda sucks. Changes the city. Anyway. We finally went last night. It was one of the supercenters with a full grocery. It wasn't stocked to the brim like ours are. There's a little bit of a lot. I bought a couple bottles of hot sauce for hubby bubby, andd found two knitting mags.

So i found two stores that sell yarn (walmart didn't even have it). La Perlita had some behind a glass case. But it was only Sinfonia, which we have at home. No patterns or anything else. The other store, Telas Parisina, had the same stuff, plus a bit of Bernat. ::pout:: oh well. I have plenty at home. Just thought it would be nice.

I think that's about it. Just ready to go home and be with my hubby. I'm such a sap. But we haven't been apart for a week before, at least not since we got married.

bye bye vallarta...

Puerto Vallarta, pt 1

january in mexico. Not a bad way to spend a week.

Got here on saturday (the 12th). On the beach by 1130 or so. I, of course, burnt immediately despite the constant application of spf 30. It finally stopped hurting. oh well. Went to a lovely italian place that night in the marina called portobello. It was yum.

So during the day we just lie around on the beach or by the pool. Definitely prefer the pool at the this hotel. The beach is nice, but it's not a smooth sand beach, so it's a little uncomfortable to walk on. Plus, it's very far away from the restrooms. An important thing to consider. But the pools are great. I think there are something like four or five on the properrty. And they all have these little beds built in that you can lie on. Little sunning beds. So i bring a book into the pool, lie down in the water. Can't complain.



Dinner at Trio on sunday. Also yum. Our routine has been to get up around 730 or 8, hit the gym, get breakfast, then go change into our suits. Lie out from about 10 to 4 or 5, get cleaned up for dinner. Rough life, i know.

monday night we booked massages at this little place in the marina that does 75 min for $40. Cannot find that kind of deal at home. It was heaven. We're going back tonight. After the masssage we went to a sushi place called Susie Wong's. It was okay. I can be snobby about my sushi. I like it cold, and this place was lukewarm. Oh well. Still good.

Tuesday morning we walked into the marina for exercise and breakfast. Then i had my nails done at a little place. I thought they had done a good job. It was a nice experience - they even put cucumbers on my eyes. Nice. But about half way through the day i noticed that the polish was still sticky, and then it started coming off. Definitely not happy about that. By late in the afternoon it was all gone. So might go say something to them when we go to the marina tonight.

so last night we went to Las Palapas with a couple that mom knows from home. Claytonites. I've met them before i think. Anyway. This couple brought some friends of theirs who are also from st. louis. I got stuck sitting at the end of the table with the friends of friends. The husband was nice enough, but the wife started talking about her alcoholism and depression, and would not shut up. Once she found out i was a clinical social worker, all bets were off. Omg! I fell like i should've been paid for dinner! I had 2 strawberry daquiris instead. She had a bunch of stuff going on. It was a little much for me.

i skipped the gym this morning in favor of sleep. By the pool now. Very relaxing. Gonna go read now. Later.

what's going on

happy new year. Been crazy busy. But isn't it always. Things have been good. Still not pregnant. We don't think. Took pee test this morning, but it might still be too early to tell. We'll see what happens. But the good news is that my progesterone levels are finally up. They were in the 20s at the last test, which is really good. So yea me.

Off to mexico in the morning. So looking forward to a week on the beach. I have to do some mad packing tonight. Dad's picking me up at 4am. Lovely.

So tired today. Hubby bubby woke me up in the middle of the night, and i couldn't get back to sleep. Oh well. I figure i'll sleep on the beach.

Crazy week it's been. Last weekend i went looking at houses with realtor friend. Found a few i liked. All in olivette. That night hubby bubby and i went over to her house and played 80s trivia with her and some friends. Hubby and i won! Go us.

sunday, after ethical and the grandparents, we went to show hubby the houses we found, and decided to pursue on of them. We were going to look at it later in the week, but realtor friend said that since we don't have our house on the market, we shouldn't pursue this house. It'll look like a stronger contract if our house is on the market, she said. S'okay. After i get back from mexico - nothing but beach fro the next 7 days - we'll start getting our house ready.

Monday night i went out with a fellow yarnie. Went to the new steinmart. Dept store. Nothing too exciting. Then to borders. Sat and knit and talked. She and her hubby are trying for baby #2 and she's in the same boat we are. So we talked about that.

Wednesday, grrr. Got really tired of dealing with stupid people. Went to best buy to look for a cable for hubby bubby. The greeter guy didn't know what the cable was or where to find it. Also didn't know where to find xd cards for my camera. Then why are you up at the front?

Then, i went to walgreens to pick up my clomid rx, pregnancy test and sunblock. Great combo right. Won't know if i need the clomid until i take the test, and couldn't get an accurate test until the weekend. But i had to buy the clomid in case it's negative, which now we think it is. Grrrrrrr. So i asked the pharmacist if i can return the clomid if it turns out i don't need it and don't take any of it. she got all rude, and said no. Then she got others involved, and they were beyond rude. So now we may or may not be out $70. I was growling by the time i got home.

Then...i go to check out bank statement on-line, and find that enterprise rent-a-car has withdrawn $170 from out account. Huh? So i call over there and talk with the manager who tells me that my insurance company has refused to pay for the last week i had the rental, and they've been trying to get a hold of me, and have left several messages. Uhm, no you haven't. Turns out they have an incorrect number for me. Moron inputted it in to the computer incorrectly. So i call my insurance guy, who after researching the issue, says, no, they never heard from enterprise. No records at all. And of course they'll pay for the rental charges, not even a question. So now i'm really soured on enterprise. Don't like to be lied to.

everything else has been good. Got my hair done yesterday. Always fun. It's purple. I love my hairdresser. She gave me pretty purple hair. Yea!

So now i'm sitting in a doctor's office waiting room, waiting for a client to be done with her session. She asked me if i wanted to come in, and i said no thanks, i went in with you last time. Truth is, i wanted to get my notes done. Bad me. Oh well. I've got to get everything done before i leave.

discharged three clients in the last week. Which sucks bcs now i'm down to 9. Need at least 11. And we've got a lot of days out on our team, so we have to scramble to make team share (bonuses). Intake is going to find me clients while i'm gone next week.

finally tracked down a couple old friends. Really happy about that. Lost a good camp friend a few years ago; found him. Talked with him last week. So that was nice. Also found a friend from high school. We've been emailing a lot. Can't believe he's married and has a kid. Amazing that we all actually do grow up. So finally breaking down and joining facebook and myspace has finally paid off.

I'm so friggin tired. Shame on hubby bubby. Yes, it was for a good cause ;) but still.

been making socks on two circular needles. That's been fun. The first pair i made, i was almost done with before i tried them on, and they were too small :( i'm working on the second pair now. Almost done. Turning the second heel. Like this method a lot. Can make two socks at once.

i think that isabelle wants to learn how to make socks too. When we came home last night, she had taken a ball of soysilk sock yarn (called tofootsie) and wound it through the house. At least she pulled from the center of the skein! Then she did it again this morning. Silly cat. My fault for leaving the yarn where she could get it. I seriously need more yarn storage. Gotta work on that.

Okay. I'm done. My fingers are tired. I will bring my little gadgets with me to mexico so i can write on the beach. Later.