it's a gas

yeah, i know... it’s been a while. so be it. things have been crazy. november was just a sucky month. yes, we celebrated 2 anniversaries (4 years & 18 years), but it otherwise just sucked. finances have been extremely tight - worse than i’ve ever had - and it’s put such a strain on us. so in the immortal words of pink floyd...

money, it’s a gas

don’t know where to begin. started out okay. then we lost it. we were in the hole. got out of the hole in the middle of the month, and were fine. then this jackass who we paid in july for doing some work on our rental house, finally cashed the check. scared the hell out of me when i saw it come through the account. what the hell. anyway. that killed us for another two weeks. that was right after we got paid in the middle of the month. so now we’re just getting back on track. but in my mind, we’re still behind. I'm angry and I'm scared and i’ve never had to live like this. well, once, a long time ago, but that was in a galaxy far far away that we don’t ever talk about. so i flip out, then hubby bubby flips out bcs my flipping out scares him.

it’s so different, him and i on money. he’s used to going without and having utilities turned off. i didn’t have that as a child. then we’re questioning if we should find a smaller house, something less expensive. i don’t know. if this keeps happening, then yes. but we were fine before.

i think it’s my damned student loan payments. they’re ridiculous. I'm a social worker. we don’t make the kind of money graduate school costs us to become social workers. it’s a horrible catch-22. so i don’t know. I'm going to try to consolidate my student loans down even further and see if that helps. but in order to do that, i have to call between 8 & 5, monday through friday. uhm, i work during those hours. well, most of the time. i’ll have a couple hours this monday to make a call.

that’s the thing i do love about my job. we’re only supposed to work 37.5 hours a week (830-5). but when you actually look at it... it’s a lot less. usually. if i only count face to face time with clients it’s a lot less. like last week i only “worked” 24.5 hours. that doesn’t include drive time. hmmm... haven’t really thought about it like that. the other hours are drive time and paperwork time. i also did an assessment interview that i can’t count as face to face time. so i guess it works out. if i look at it salary-wise, it definitely looks a lot better. makes me feel a little better. so i can kind of balance the days i get home at 5 or 530 against the days i come home at 2. my supervisor has said that she doesn’t care if we’re out working all day as long as we meet our expected average at the end of the month. so that’s nice. makes me feel better about my horrible salary. at least i have a salary. let’s not give it a kinahara.

been trying to find an on-line typing service to work through. but all i’ve come up with are scams. and sites that you have to pay money for their “secrets.” uh, no thanks. just want to do some transcription work, or type reports, research papers, that kind of thing. just need to find people who have that type of thing. just want some extra money. thought about getting a part time job, but when would i do that? and if i did, when would i see my husband? or have time to myself? I'm too wiped out after working all day to work on week nights. and on the weekends I'm usually doing paperwork or babysitting. or sleeping. so i don’t know. that’s why i thought if i could find something from home. we’ll see.

so we just have to be better about spending and saving. we already killed the digital cable. sigh. I'm gonna miss the original programming, but other than that... we weren’t watching any movies on hbo or showtime or anything. just “weeds” and “the l word.” we can still watch those at my parent’s house. or they’ll tape them and hubby bubby will put them on dvd. oh - but was i yelling at the cable co early last month. it seems that they never received our payment for last month’s bill, and it never went through our bank account. so i had to put a stop payment on the check ($32 to do that), and write another check. but in the mean time, i was screaming at india about not penalizing me for the mail not getting to them. they turned off our digital box. they refused to read the notes from previous conversations. and they refused to do anything to help us even though they could see on our account that this was the first time it had ever happened, and that all previous bills were paid in full and on time. cock suckers. i can’t remember the last time i yelled at anyone the way i did india. it was bad. unfortunately there’s only one cable company in town, and they rake you over the coals for their services.

so yeah. it was a bad month.

but it’ll get better. it has to.

been working on holiday presents. everyone’s getting yarn for the holidays. i’ve been being very creative with the crochet crazy stitch. i’ve made a full size afghan, a shawl, and a lapghan. and they keep on coming. been using stuff out of my stash - very proud of that. getting rid of all my homespun. things are coming along.

i’ve been in a lot of pain lately. off the celebrex - that wasn’t working. last week the doc had me on prednisone. but that didn’t work. been in screaming intolerable pain the last two days. but i can’t afford to keep trying stuff. not at $50 a pop. plus the $30 office visit. so i guess i’ll have to suffer through. i did get prayed for the other day. one of my clients knows that i have this arthritis and prayed that i’d find something that works. very sweet. unfortunately, i don’t think it works that way. almost wish it did. but that’s why I'm up at 340 in the morning. too much pain to sleep. too much on my mind, too, i guess.

I'm gonna try to sleep. otherwise i’ll be useless tomorrow. i’ve got paperwork. go figure. and grocery shopping. and bill paying. and car cleaning out. and i will be better about writing. i need to do that every day. it does help me. it’s just so easy not to. i’ll do it. i’ll do it. even a few minutes a day to decompress from everything. stick a fork in me, I'm done. end script.

monday

what a difference a few hours makes. after i ranted the other night, things changed. we both sulked for a little while, but then talked it all out. i don’t know why i always jump to the worst, but i know that nothing will ever change with us. we’re good. we’re always good.

our anniversary was wonderful. started celebrating thursday night by having dinner with sal at modesto - yummy tapas. then on friday, our 1st wedding anni, we had dinner at trattoria marsala. mom and dad surprised us by calling in payment for dinner. got cards from family with money and gift cards. we always thought that the 1st wedding anni was paper, but apparently in our family, it’s food. sal gave us a gift card to cheesecake factory - sooo yum. m&d paid for our anni dinner. hubby bubby’s dad even gave us gift certificates to the melting pot, and cash (huge surprise).

so anyway. it was a nice anni and a nice anni wknd.

today is monday. i hate mondays. was in a car accident this morning. had a client in the car. me and another car backed in to each other. a witness said it was my fault. i dunno. could swear that i looked before moving. it just happened. the other car had no damage. mine’s a little worn. the plastic covering the rear tail light got busted out. there’s a small crater in the door of the hatch. it’s not pretty. but hopefully it’ll get fixed on wednesday. for a minimal cost. yikes!

anyway. that was my day. sorta. the morning anyway. the afternoon was spent with a client who’s a bit on the zealous side. so well. gonna fold laundry. fun. later.

the scream

so two days before our first wedding anniversary it’s been decided that things have gone to shit. lovely, actually. apparently, my husband doesn’t want to kiss me, touch me, and it’s my fault. uh, duh. we’ve gotten into this routine, sucks as it does. he comes home from work, gives me a few chaste obligatory kisses, then we sit down to the dinner that i’ve cooked for us. after that, he does the dishes (willingly, i might add) and then we sit on the couch and watch tv. then i get into bed around 930 or 10, read a little, then fall asleep, usually by 1030, if not before. i get up for work around 7, sometimes earlier; he doesn’t get up until 830 or 9. by 8p I'm exhausted and half falling asleep. and he says it’s my choice that we do nothing but watch tv, and sometimes he sits with me. he doesn’t want to watch tv. then why doesn’t he ever fucking say anything? and he has never once asked me to put my book down while in bed. so how am i supposed to know if he wants to do anything except read? by that time at night, sometimes, there’s nothing else i really want to do. i don’t work at cushy 10-6 like he does. i work 830-5, and the lines are extremely blurry. if a client schedules an appointment for 8a, that means i have to pick them up by 730a at the latest, which means i have to be out the door by 7a at the latest, which means that i have to get my butt out of bed by 615a at the latest. so what can i do about that? and he wonders why I'm in bed so early. bcs I'm freaking exhausted from running around all day. I'm from one end of the city to another and back all day. so yes, after I'm working all day, and come home and make dinner FROM SCRATCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, pretty much all i want to do is vege on the couch. i’ve got no mind for playing backgammon or cards. I'm a mess by that time. and he doesn’t want to do anything to change the way things are. i would love for things to change. i hate this. but he makes absolutely no overtures whatsoever. he says, it’s not up to me to tell you to put your book down or turn off the tv. uhm, yeah. if you want me to, dammit, just say something. then don’t get pissed at me when i say something about it. I'm not a friggin mind reader. and I'm not a beggar, either. i hate this. i hate not talking. we’ve always been able to talk about everything. why not now? wounded pride? my ass. i tried talking about it earlier tonight, but he doesn’t want to do anything to get things to change. i can’t change being exhausted, but i can change how i channel it. we just don’t talk anymore. we talk about our days over dinner, but he’s been listening less and less and interrupting more, and I'm too tired to fight about it. we don’t talk about much else. doesn’t seem like much to say. we talked circles when we went to kansas city for labor day wknd. we talked about stuff we hadn’t talked about in a while. we talked about the logistics of having kids. he said he’s finally warming to it. if we weren’t in debt up to our eyeballs from the new house and student loans... anyway. we come home, and nada. nothing. zip. sucks. i don’t know what to do now. like i said, two days away from our first wedding anni. I'm tired, he’s tired. just doesn’t seem right. seems ironic. every couple goes through this, right? we’ve been together forever and haven’t gone through this. yes, we broke up many times as kids. but this is different. we’re adults. at least i thought we were.

i don't like mondays...

...gonna shoot the whole day down (boomtown rats)as a general rule, monday’s suck. this one wasn’t too too bad. just long and boring. had a training all day on non-violent self defense. always fun. but it was done at 230, which was nice. my eyes have been weird the past week. it’s like my glasses aren’t working any more. kinda sucks. saw the eye doc back in june; they didn’t want to change the Rx. but now, i don’t know. seems like it’s always cloudy. should probably make another appt. especially since I'm typing in a size 20 font. maybe it’s the font. but i dunno.tomorrow’s hubby bubby's bday. 31. we’re going to brio for dinner - same place we went for my bday. we like it. that’s where he wanted to go. there was a huge misunderstanding with his brother yesterday about it. his brother thought it was a whole family thing, and started making plans to join us. hubby bubby didn’t correct him. hopefully, brother bear won’t show up. hubby bubby just wanted it to be us. realized this afternoon that i hadn’t gotten him any bday cards yet. we outlawed gifts a while ago. mainly bcs we both buy what we want when we can, so it’s hard to shop for the other. and since we just bought a new house... no holiday, bday, or anniversary presents - just cards. but i forgot. so i ran out to the store this afternoon. felt like the worst wife ever to forget to buy bday cards for my hubby. found some cute ones.had the worst dream last night. a couple of them. first was that hubby bubby’s dad got married to that witch, and we had to find out from a reality show. no one in the family was invited to attend. just happened to find out while watching tv. freaky. then, there was the one where i called hubby bubby to ask if i could come home. didn’t like that one. it was a whole bunch of yucky stuff. woke up feeling miserable. hate that part. when the dream seems so real. woke up thinking that hubby bubby hated me. ouch.got done playing mahj jong a bit ago. had everyone over to my house. the cats tried to help. luckily, they were being cute. love the new house. there’s a place for everything to go. so the house was actually clean. and it’s easier to keep clean. plus, hubby bubby VACUUMED yesterday. my parents bought us a vacuum as a housewarming gift, since we didn’t have carpet in the old house. lord knows that i don’t vacuum, so hubby bubby did it. what a good guy. so the house looked nice. got a long day at work tomorrow. hope it goes well. am generally liking work. still in the “probationary” period. hate that. do other people get paranoid that they’re going to be fired during this time? i don’t know. but i feel like I'm always waiting. like the tiniest mistake will be the end. paranoia will destroy ya. rock out.off to bed. too tired for even the maddest ramblings right now. will try again tomorrow. or the next day. no promises.

4 days

4 days!!!! today is monday. we move on friday. it'll all be done in 4 days. thank G-d!!!! there are not enough exclamation points in existence to describe how happy i am about this. think we got everything taken care of. all the utilities, etc. new washer/dryer are coming the day after. the new fridge will be there shortly after. it's almost over. we've gotten through it. hubby bubby and i are doing well. we've stopped snapping at each other. that was a bad week. but we're all good. none of this has been about us.

anyway. supposed to be working today, but there were client issues - like one didn't bathe (long story), and another's in the hospital. so i've been on the phone, but otherwise, not working. had lunch with hubby bubby at bread co. really feel like i need a nap. didn't sleep well last night. not sure why. just didn't.

really pissed at our banker who's been handling all the mortgage stuff for the houses. he trashed me in an email to one of his coworkers, then had the audacity to forward the email with his nasty comments in it to me. i was livid. very politely told him off. then had to call him a few moments later to ask him a question, and he completely back-peddled. pissed me off even more. just have to get through the next couple days with him. only problem is, his wife works with hubby bubby and they live across the street from my parents. yikes!

it's just been a whirlwind of activity around here. spent the weekend packing. still pissed about the situation with pop and witchy. nothing's changed. he still pretends that i don't exist. did i mention that he told hubby bubby that he doesn't consider me family? that witchy is more family than i'll ever be? i can't even begin to deal with that. got brought up again yesterday bcs hubby bubby pointed out pop's car in a restaurant parking lot while we were driving around. just brought back all those feelings.

it makes me so angry, not only bcs of how pop feels about me, but bcs of how it's affecting hubby bubby. we've got all these great things going on right now, and we can't share them with pop. he doesn't want to be a part of it. which i know is not our fault; he's making these choices for himself. but it sucks. and it makes me sad. but there's nothing we can do about it. just have to let it ride its course.

really feel like i should be doing something. hubby bubby's clearing out the basement. i'm camped on the couch watching a chick flick. so decadent!

books

current top 5 list...

* undomestic goddess...sophie kinsella

* the devil wears prada...lauren weisberger

* twelve sharp...janet evanovich

* swapping lives...jane green

* pink slip party...cara lockwood

i love being done with graduate school!!!!

house

i am sooooo sick of all the house stuff! i just want it to be over. neither hubby bubby or i will be happy until we're all moved in. he's more upset about it all than i am. he's worried about financing and all that. i am too, no doubt, but there's only so much worrying i can do. as far as we know we're good to go. met with our agent tonight to go over the inspection report. all looks good. we're going to ask for the seller to fix a few things, but they're not deal breakers. it's all stuff we could do ourselves. would definitely rather that the seller do it though. we've got a buyer for our current house. hubby bubby wants to sell to our electric guy who is willing to pay the same amount as another buyer. actually, hubby bubby told our electric guy that he'd cut $1000 off the other buyer's price. i'm not thrilled with that. i'd rather sell to the other guy. but it's not worth the argument. as long as we get out of this house!!!!

things at work are going well. just getting used to all the flexibility this job offers. my supervisor told me yesterday that if i have an appointment scheduled for 930 or 10 am, something like that, i don't need to come in to the office first. and, if i have something scheduled for 2 or 3, to just call it a day after that. i've never had a job like this. never had a job where i didn't have to start and end my day at the office. my office is essentially my car. which is kinda nice. plus, i can write progress notes and other docs at home. makes it easy.

so tired. even though it's early, think i need to get to bed. by the end of the day i'm just wiped out. i was only able to work 2 rows of the baby blanket, i was so exhausted. it's like the needles weighed 10 pounds each. so sad :(

bubbles

found this among some old docs...

BUBBLES        (10/1/00)

Blowing bubbles at dusk
The crescent moon glows
Airplanes flash their lights overhead
The sound of speed from the highway
Fireflies flicker
Crickets sing the day to sleep
Gentle breezes hit my cheek
Headlights decide which way to turn
Trees dance slowly
The sky cascades in blues and oranges
City noises fill the air
The sweet scent of bubble potion remains on my hands
Porch lights go on
Night has risen

withdrawl

what a week! i didn't get to play with my yarn at all. bought some pattern mags the other night, but that's the closest i've come. just feeling crazed. i've got my crochet group tomorrow afternoon. i'm supposed to teach the group how to do hairpin lace. trying to remember how to do that myself! i was working on some new things - a knit afghan (using caron simply soft in a pastel palette), a crocheted baby blanket for my expecting friend (in a velour and worsted combo - pink pink pink), and a knit lace shawl (really yummy variegated green lace/sock yarn). it's been fun playing with all the different textures of yarn, and knowing that i can switch it up when i'm bored with one project. i know i have problems finishing things, which always sucks. my w*i*p-s hath runneth over. it's not that i like one project better than another. it's just that i get bored easily. i like to try new patterns, then once i get a hang of them i'm ready to move on. i just found in a bag on the couch with a diamond patterned knit afghan that i started a few months ago. also bcs i liked the pattern. wish i could just finish stuff up. i know that hubby bubby wishes the same thing. the ratio of projects started to completed is something silly like 20:1. hee hee.

i've thought about my yarn and patterns a million times over the week. but given all the craziness... by the time i would finally sit down in the evening, i was wiped out. making my brain and hands function properly was just not in the cards. i was able to drool over a mary maxim catalog with no problem. but have been so focused on other stuff that my brain was refusing to concentrate. having enough trouble typing, let alone operating heavy machinery!!!

i'm babysitting tonight and am planning on bringing a yarn project with me. something that will help me relax. something without heavy instructions that i can just go at.

tomorrow's gonna be nuts, so i know i need to relax a little so it'll all just happen. we have the housing inspection on the new house at 10, then a late brunch with the parents. crochet group at 2. babysitting at 415. yikes!!! had another guy come look at our (current) house today to buy. he's made the highest offer yet. this house needs *a lot* of love, so i know we can't ask for too much. but we'd still like to get something out of it. we think we have one more guy coming to look, then we'll make a decision by tuesday. no reason not to go with the high end guy. we're selling "as is" so we don't have too many options.

good news: the claims adjuster called yesterday to tell me that they're finding the offending driver 100% at fault. hooray! apparently, the offending driver (i've softened just a little) lied to the adjuster. but realistically, according to the adjuster, there was no question about who's fault it was. ob-la-di ob-la-da....

crash bang

everyone says that's what you hear when you're in a car accident, but really, it's not.

you hear your heart start pounding an incredible bass line. almost makes you want to dance, but not quite. you hear your blood start boiling with anger at the idiot who wasn't paying attention. you hear the sound of your hard-earned money *cha-ching* falling out of your bank account and hitting the floor of the insurance company. you hear the tilting laugh of the insurance company as they raise your insurance rates. you hear yourself thinking - well, there goes everything else i had planned for this afternoon. you hear the cars honking around you, telling you - as if you didn't already know - that you're blocking traffic. you hear people driving by, tsk-tsk-ing at the accident site, wondering what happened.

so you pull over and try to assess the damage to both car and body. body - everything's in tact. vision's a little fuzzy. oh wait - where are my glasses? there they are - on the passenger-side floorboard. headache's beginning to form from the impact. neck's moving. remember to breathe. get out. check the car. try to not cry when the hood is dented and tented. the front license plate looks like a "v" and the bumper does too. the bumper is barely hanging on by a thread, and you can see the inside of the bumper - the metal part - and that looks like it's gonna fall off too. did you know that there was something that looks like styrofoam core inside the bumper? and uhm, why didn't the airbag deploy?

try not to scream when you see that the offending car barely has a scratch on it. smirk just a little bit when you notice that the driver's side light has fallen out. watch the offending driver get out of her car, shaking her head at your - like it's your fault that she plowed almost head-first into you. didn't you know that? it's also your fault that the city created two-way turn lanes.

so you call the cops. call your husband. call the insurance agent. exchange information with the offending driver, who will now be affectionately known as "the bitch who smashed my car." thank the officer for his help. figure out - between your husband (who has left work without being asked to come make sure you're alright) and insurance agent - what the best course of action is. find out that your car is drivable, and plan to meet your husband back at the house so that he can then take you to the rental car place.

your car's fine moving out of the parking lot and into traffic. call your very understanding and empathetic boss to let her know what happened since you're technically still on company time (realize how much you love your new job and boss). get about 100 feet and then the bumper of your car falls off, and you've inadvertantly rolled over it. pull to the center lane, put on the hazards. call the police dept - again. have them send a tow truck who will lift your car up, remove the bumper from underneath it, then set it down again - all while you're in the car. pay the nice tow truck man $45 for his quick services. go home. go to car rental company. get rental car. go home.

have a fun afternoon?

all good things...

*1* we got the house

*2* first day at new job was good
*3* new job includes a blackberry ☺

*4* we have several potential buyers lined up for our current house

*5* hubby bubby took me to california pizza kitchen to celebrate new job/new house
*6* new job includes a blackberry ☺

pure evil

so where to begin on this one? last week sucked. no way around it. no double-talkin it. it sucked. big time. guess i better start at the beginning...

back around xmas time i decided to make peace with pop's girlfriend (hereafter known as "the witch"). thought that maybe she wasn't as bad as we thought she was. she was making pop happy, and for the sake of family, etc. i wanted to create a more family-like atmosphere, where hubby bubby and pop could develop a better relationship. so there were my motives. i made several overtures at friendship towards her. fought with hubby bubby and his brother to let the past go. i was successful. moving forward...

a month or so ago hubby bubby and i were having dinner at pop's house, and we were talking about looking for a new house. we've been working on and off (depending on how serious we've been) with our realtor (the nice one). there were a few houses we saw during open house drive-arounds that we wanted to see, but our realtor wasn't available. so the witch, who has a realtor's license, offered to show me some of the homes. i took her up on it. and on two separate occasions we went looking. the second occasion, which was about 3 weeks ago, was when all hell broke loose.

while at one of the homes, she started talking about how she and pop've been living together for two years now. they got engaged about a year or so ago, and i asked if they've set a date yet. she said no, but wished that pop would get on it - he was dragging his feet. i asked if everything was okay. she said yes, they're trying to work through a few things. i asked again if everything was okay. she mentioned something about making sure history didn't repeat itself and that there are no fidelity issues. uhm, okay. there was not much discussion after that. i said something about how those are good issues to work on. i don't remember much verbatim after that. but i did say that i don't know much about his exploits other than what ex-stepmom-in-law and mom-in-law have tried to tell me, and i've told them (at least i've told ex-stepmom), that i will not hear it or get in the middle. the subject was pretty much dropped, and i didn't think much of it after that.

fast forward to last wednesday... hubby bubby comes home from work and tells me that pop went to him earlier in the day and said that the witch was uncomfortable with a conversation she and i had recently, and that he was upset that i was talking about his personal life. she told him that i initiated the conversation and was talking about he had trouble staying faithful. she said that i went into some detail about his exploits. HELLO? WHAT THE HELL? CAN'T GIVE INFO YOU DON'T HAVE. talk about being uncomfortable. i was absolutely livid. after i calmed down, i wrote pop a peaceful, heartfelt email trying to explain what happened and apologizing for my part in the conversation, etc. he writes back this horrid threatening email stating that i created a potentially dangerous situation and i need to find a way to fix it. HUH? can you say SNOWED? i emailed back that i already apologized to him for my part, there was no gossiping, as he suggested, and that, again, i did not initiate the conversation. hubby bubby was angry that his father was threatening his wife. they had it out later that day. pop was refusing to listen, believing that witchy woman was in the right. it was harsh. he basically chose her over his own son. neither of us slept that night. we were looking at the situation from every possible angle. i can only imagine what bullshit she spun for him to react like that. no clue. but we were up talking all night. can't believe what's going on. also trying to figure out why she waited 3 weeks to bring this all to pop. so pop told hubby bubby that they didn't want to discuss it any further.

we finally figured out that she must be so miserable with her life. but he's in so deep with her. no clue. i'm still upset about it. hubby bubby has basically said that he doesn't have a father anymore. really makes me sad. he's choosing her over his own family. unbelievable. i hate it. i hate her. and the fact that pop doesn't even want to discuss things. i hate her. i hate her. i tried to like her. to get along with her. for pop's sake. but she's made it so damn hard. i was just beginning to genuinely like her. then this happened. never again. there's absolutely nothing she could say. pop needs to apologize for threatening me. that'll never happen. he just needs to wake up and see what's going on. also will never happen. so i don't know. i feel badly for my husband. but feel so lucky to have a husband who knows how to behave like a man, who knows the right things to do.

that woman is toxic. she's evil. pure evil.

new toys

so while at the toy store *read: apple store* today, i saw this macjournal program. thought about buying it but didn't know anything about it. so looked it up on line, and voila!, here i am. after a few random tests, i've decided that i like this, it's easy, etc. so go me. after, how long?, i'm back. hurray!

so i got the msw - finally. graduation was may 19th. go me. glad to be done. start a new job tomorrow. looking forward to that. i'll be working with adults who have mental illness (mainly, bipolar and schizophrenia) in a counseling and case management capacity. a little disappointed not to be working with children for right now, but excited about the challenge of working with adults. it's a whole different animal.

now that i've got a *real job* hubby bubby and i've been looking for a new house. and yesterday we wrote a contract on a new house - seriously new house - in webster groves. we got a verbal agreement this afternoon, but then had some *miscommunication* with our realtor about contingencies, so there was a whole big mess up. but i think we're okay now. just waiting for the good word. really wish our real realtor was available, but she's out of town. so we've been working with her supervisor who is a real piece of work. she's unbelievable. my mom's up in arms over how we've been treated thus far. she yelled at my hubby while we were signing the contract bcs he was looking for entry points for bugs and mice. very important, we thought. she didn't agree. then she was yelling at me this afternoon bcs of the miscommunication about the contingency thing. hello - i'm the client. you do not yell at the client. but we met with her again this afternoon, and she was a little less hostile. less confrontational. hee hee.

some things never f***ing change

*otherwise known as the weekend from hell*

how stupid was i to think that things would be different from the last time we saw each other? my gosh, was i an idiot! i honestly don't know why she's here since she's so far spent the entire time on the phone with her husband. and if she's not talking to him, she's talking about him. and if she's not talking about him, she's text messaging him. it's absolutely ridiculous. i'm so angry with her, and i'm angry with myself for not expecting this to happen. this is exactly what happened the last time we saw each other.

when i went to visit her 11 years ago. she spent the entire time with her boyfriend. even went so far as to make me sit outside his house for 2-1/2 hours while they were doing only g-d knows what. flashback. not pretty.

have we spent any time talking about my/our wedding plans? no. have we spent time talking about hers? yes. has she lied left and right about the most miniscule things? yes. so i don't know why i'm so surprised. it's almost too stupid to really be happening.

we went out for a nice dinner that was supposed to be her treat - per her instructions a few weeks ago, i made reservations at this ultra-fancy restaurant bcs she said she wanted to treat us to a nice meal. bill comes and she says "how do you want to split this up?" no joke. what could i say? there was absolutely no nice way to handle that. so i said "why don't we just split it so that we pay 2/3 and you pay 1/3." really angry about that. i can tell that i'm going to have a hard time letting this go.

she spent 20 minutes during dinner on the phone with the husband. we got home, and she went outside to spend another 20 on the phone with him. then spent the rest of the evening texting back and forth. yes, you miss him, i get that. but have some f***ing independence. the entire day was about text messaging. i'm so f***ing sick of text messaging. so of course i can't sleep. tried earlier but just gave up. i'm just so *BIG SCREAM* right now. but i've got to try to sleep. got the big mother's day brunch thing in the morning. and i haven't slept very well this past week. all of this is not sitting well with me. yeah, i'm gonna have a hard time getting over this....

catch up rant

the last month has been an absolute whirlwind of activity. wedding planning, work, papers/proposals, more wedding planning... then of course there's been all the fun health stuff - no more hospital visits, but lots of doctors. apparently, i have vertigo. can't help but think of anything but the alfred hitchcock movie. it's from some kind of inner ear thing. tells ya how much i know about it!

then of course, there's more reunion stuff going on. out of the blue yesterday, this guy that i was really good friends with, but haven't talked to in about 10 years, emailed me. surprise! another camp friend. so we've been emailing back and forth. another friend whom i haven't talked to in, oh, 15 years, got in touch with me recently as well. i am absolutely loving this! the pictures keep flying, fingers can't type fast enough...

the one person i've been being a big dork about contacting... another camp friend... but this one was different. i swear. he was like a little brother to me for so long. just a super sweet guy. we talked on the phone at least once a day. i went to his senior prom - flew up east just to be there - found the picture last night. anyway. we lost touch a few years ago, 4 years ago? don't even remember why. i know that he always had a crush on me, but i always thought of him as the little brother type. plus there was a huge geographical distance between us. but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. when i got
engaged, and when all this other reunion stuff started happening, i decided to find him. started with the last known address i had for him. wrote him a letter. that came back to me. then started googling (that doesn't sound too dirty now, does it?) him, and found an address in new york. that wasn't it either. long story short (too late!) i came across a company that he worked at - had his picture on the site, so i knew it was him - and left him a voice mail at work. been being a huge dork the last two days waiting for him to call back. everyone kept asking if i had a crush on this guy or something. no. just get
excited about talking with people. and especially excited to reconnect with him. he *finally* called me back tonight. i didn't recognize the number on my cell - but figured it was him, and i was on my way to dinner, so i let it go to voicemail. but of course i called in my voicemail as soon as it came through. hurray! left him a message when i got home from dinner. it's a good start, right.

anyway. enough about that. i've got my first wedding shower tomorrow night. my aunt is throwing a family shower for me. very small, only about 12 or 13 people. the big shower's in june - think the current guest list is something like 60 or 70. should be interesting. my favorite wedding story right now is that one of my bridesmaids is pregnant! i am so excited about that! she asked me if i minded having a pregnant woman in my wedding. as long as is aint me, honey! this is her third, and she should be around 7 months or so come wedding dress time.

in other wedding news, my moh is coming to see me next week! haven't seen her in 11 years. crazy. but she's coming out for the weekend. got a few things planned for us to do. but nothing really wedding-like. baseball game, dinner. take her to the arch - she's never been to good old stl.

think that's about it. if i think of anything else... nah, that's about enough out of me for one night....

time stands still

so the last few days have been a whirlwind of activity - mostly good stuff, a little bad stuff. but to focus on the good stuff...

growing up, i spent the best times of my life at summer camp. numerous summer camps. but there was one in particular on the east coast changed my life. i lived in the mid-west, everyone else lived on the east coast. i was definitely the outsider. but i loved that place. the people, that is. i made the best friends of my life there. it took me a long time to get over the fact that camp was over. i'm talking years.

i kept in touch with people throughout the years following, but unfortunately lost touch with some due to circumstances, aka life. just imagine my joy to get an email a few months ago about a camp reunion. hurray! but it was in new york, of course, and i didn't have enough notice to get out there. from this reunion, a website was born. pictures, old and new. database of connections. people i hadn't thought about in close to 15 years. these were once my best friends. and it makes me sad to say that i hadn't thought about them in so long.

but now it's like the time span never occurred. i've been pouring over pictures that others have sent. what a punk i was! i barely recognize myself - i've never worn as much makeup in my life as i did my last summer at camp. how silly! i found all my old photo albums. am planning on posting pix to the website this weekend. hopefully. am currently rebuilding relationships with old friends. which i absolutely love!

i'm not currently capturing the full scope of my emotions surrounding this reunion. it's almost 11p and i'm exhausted. it was a draining week. so i'm gonna go to bed. i'm missing my love. he had a show tonight. i'm in a conference all day tomorrow on play therapy techniques. my eyes are closing. so i'm going to bed before i pass out. will continue tomorrow...

cymbalta & the fear of everything

i had never been on an anti-depressant before in my life. even though there are multiple times that i should've been. but my doctor was insistent that it would work. not, in my case, for depression. but rather for the chronic pain caused by the arthritis in my rib cage. i'm talking serious ouch. my precious vioxx was removed in october. from that point until late january, i had been on a myriad of anti-inflammatories and pain reducers. nothing worked. then my rheumatologist suggested cymbalta, an anti-depressant that has worked wonders as a pain modifier. at that point i would've had my rib cage removed so as not to be in constant pain. wonder of all wonders, it worked. and it started working instantly. not like some of the others i had been on where after 3 weeks i was convinced i was just taking sugar pills. this was great. hidden bonus: it also worked as an appetite suppressant. we were in business. then a few weeks ago it just stopped working. almost as fast as it had started. the pain returned, and i was back to pre-vioxx levels. called the doc, and he said that since nothing else on earth worked for me, i could start taking my secret stash of vioxx. hurray!

so that was last monday. i barely remember what happened the rest of the week. all of the sudden i couldn't sleep. for the past few months i've been going to bed at like 10p since i have to be up so early. now all of the sudden, it's 1, 2a and i'm still wide awake and bouncing. not fun. luckily my kids were on spring break and i didn't have to work all last week. but still. so i started taking tylenol pm to get to sleep. didn't work. the next night i took 2 of them. didn't work. i mean, i was sleeping, but not soundly and restfully. and the weird-ass dreams started. freakishly weird. and then the negativity started. scared the hell out of me. i didn't want to be around anyone. and my love and i were arguing about the most stupid things.
i was grumpy. just plain grumpy. i didn't even want to be around him. and he's my most absolute favorite person in the world. i was questioning everything. like, why are he and i together? we have absolutely nothing in common. at least that's what my mind was telling me last week. i hated the world, and was afraid of everything. didn't want to answer the phone. didn't want to check email. two of my favorite things to do. had nothing nice to say about anything. was having the worst hot flashing. thought i was just pms'ing. but way beyond the realm of normality. i was just not myself.

so we were talking about it last night, the little boy (that's what my dad calls my love) and i. he mentioned the cymbalta. by that point i had completely forgotten about it. but a-ha! not the band, but... anyway. when i had started the cymbalta i did a little research. i was fearful of the anti-depressant. there were numerous studies of psychotic episodes that occurred after stopping the drug. light bulb. even though i wasn't taking the drug for depression, the same chemicals were still at play. messing with my head, with my heart and with my hormones. never mess with a woman's hormones. so at least what i've been going through made sense. when i first started the drug i had problems with sleeplessness. now going through them again.

soaked in a hot tub and am now drinking hot tea. starting to feel sleepy. time for a tylenol pm and my pillow. don't want to be up til 4a again like last night. that sucked. wish me sweet dreams....

my childhood is now complete

my fashion plates arrived today! sooooo excited. i've wanted these
things ever since i was a kid and saw that my cousins had them. of course, they would never let me play with them. but every once in a while i check for them on ebay, bcs they (tomy/mattel) don't make them anymore. but every time i checked ebay, the sets were going for upwards of $40, and i just never wanted to spend that much on them. on a whim i checked ebay the other day, and there was a huge set up for $10. bid bid bid. obviously i won the auction. i'm like a kid in the
candy store. i set the plates up and got out the little crayon. i remember that everyone would get so upset when the little rubbing crayon got too flat or too small or whatever. hello! it's a crayon. just put a different one in. duh. (29 years old and still saying 'duh'). anyway. i'm all happy now. but of course i don't have time to play with them right now. oh well. at least i have them. i'm such a five-year-old. but it's so much fun!

truth be honest...

i can't understand why adults feel the need to lie. i understand why
children lie; that's easy. even had one of my kids at school write
sentences about why he lies. that was fun :) but i don't understand
why adults lie. specifically, one of my girl friends. it's always
about little stuff, too. not anything important or big. i've known
this girl since we were kids, 13 or 14 i think. we were the wild
childs. yet another story. she lied to me constantly when we were
younger, and i always caught her in her twisted little webs. called
her on it a few times. then i just got tired of trying. when we were
about 18 or 19 she told a whopper that put our friendship in limbo for
about 3 years or so. now, at 28, she's back at it. drives me nuts.
juvenile. immature. etcetera etcetera. i lied my butt off as a kid.
everyone did. but we grow out of it. we grow up and we change. but
she hasn't. it's just frustrating. i can't understand why she
doesn't. i'm her oldest and dearest friend. guess that doesn't mean
too much anymore. remember when "BFF" meant the world? guess that
only lasts until high school graduation. another friend recently asked
why i was still friends with the lying girl. couldn't give an answer.
that irritated me. other than history, what do we still have in
common? pretty much nothing. except for the fact that she still lies
and i still listen to it.

if you were here/
i could deceive you/
if you were here/
you would believe...
-Thompson Twins

...and we're gonna get married

Engagement Pic 1
Originally uploaded by Jullet05.

so, yes, i'm engaged. to my childhood sweetheart. i know: awww. everyone at once. here's one of our engagement pix. aren't we cute. we've been together forever. let me spell that out for-ev-er. since we were 13 actually. we're crazy. but no, it hasn't been consecutive time. unfortunately. that part makes me sad. hate to think that we've been with other people. but, uh, yeah. our wedding plans are going great. and we're crazy in love with each other. my fiance, he's great. obviously. i love him more than life itself. he's a goofball. we wanted this small family-only ceremony. we don't think that marriage is about the big party or anything like that. so we wanted small and intimate. it's turned into thjis 250 guess affair. not exactly what we had in mind. none of our wedding party lives in town. so that's a bit nuts. and i admit that i'm scared that my maid of honor won't show up. that's a nightmare for me. i know that my groom will show :) just worried about my moh. my bridesmaid has been fabulous! she searched out the maids dresses. they're gorgeous. my junior bridesmaid and flower girl will be adorable. we just have to get the tuxes. and the cake. been talking with bakers and designers. also been waking up craving cake. that's the fun part of wedding planning...