Confessions of a Yarn Junkie

procrastination rocks

2008-05-04T16:35:00.000-05:00

i'm doing well. just constantly tired. not sleeping well. little bugger wakes me up a million times during the night to pee. then i have trouble falling back asleep. i'm hoping that i'll be able to get back on a schedule this coming week. i've had no schedule whatsoever for the past two months. it's funny how things work out. now that i'm pregnant, i would've been starting to look for another job anyway - my old job was too hazardous to do while pregnant. i mean, it could be done, and others had done it before me, but i wouldn't have liked it. so it ended up working out just fine that i quit when i did. i was already pregnant, just didn't know it yet. but i'm excited about starting the new job tomorrow. i went to a staff meeting last week to meet people and get a little bit acclimated. there's going to be sooooo much to learn. kinda scary. but a good kind of scary for me. it's a huge step up from what i was doing before. looking forward to getting my office set up. we bought me a little ipod speaker dock for my office that i can also plug my xm radio in to.

finally got all the licensure paperwork filed. that has been a huge pain in the ass. after i passed the exam, i sent in for my provisional license, but had my old licensing supervisor and job site listed. they apparently don't transfer, and my old supervisor wouldn't continue supervising me. so i had to fill out a new set of paperwork, and my mom was going to supervise me for licensure. but apparently we can't do that. so i had to scramble to find another supervisor and get that paperwork signed. i had the same damn piece of paper notorized three times at my bank - the lady kept looking at me funny! oh well. it's over.

pregnancy is going well. i'm just about 8 weeks, and haven't really felt too badly. was kind of concerned that i'm not experiencing "common" morning sickness symptoms, but the doc said that was fine, and to enjoy it. so i am. it's not too bad. just feel like i have my period all the time, crampy-like. i feel like this is much easier than everyone says that it is! i wish this for everyone! we had our second ultrasound on friday. i was starting to get worried about the baby, especially since i wasn't feeling sick. plus, two of my girlfriends who were as far along as i am recently miscarried. and while i know that there's no correlation, it still made me stop and think. feel so bad for them. makes me feel bad for being happy. but i know they want me to be happy. i'm already getting huge! between being on bed rest for six weeks and being pregnant, i'm going to start looking like a house before this is over!

not much else is going on. just looking forward to starting work. been getting bored at home. haven’t been doing much. little bit of knitting here and there. reading pregnancy books and updating the pregnancy organizer/journal. watching dumb tv. really dumb tv. at least i weened myself off 90210... finally picked pictures out of our wedding album proof book. mom’ll be happy. went through it last night and picked the pix we wanted for our album, and the ones for individual pictures, 8x10s, etc. got inspired by putting the sonogram pictures in a little brag book. go me. only took a little over two and a half years...

baby on the brain

2008-04-23T21:58:00.002-05:00

had the first ultrasound yesterday!!!!!! so exciting. baby is 5-mm long (1/6 of an inch), and 6 weeks old. crazy for all the nausea I'm having. hubby bubby and i are being incredibly dorky. showing off our first baby pictures. but we’re excited. and like i just finished telling a friend, we’re probably exactly like the millions of first-time expectant parents before us, but since this is so new to us, we feel dorky. and are probably boring and annoying people to death already. trying not to. we’re just excited. after trying for sooooooo long... hubby bubby beshert has been a little gigglebot the last few days. it’s so cute.

went to the zoo today with a girlfriend and her daughter. lots of fun. really nice day out. baby isn’t letting me eat very much, or very healthy. but i guess right now i just eat what i can. so far the “morning sickness” hasn’t been too bad. just constant nausea and mild cramping. here’s hoping it stays this way ☺

DEFINITELY!!!!!!

2008-04-21T15:44:00.000-05:00

okay, so 8 tests between thursday and this morning. had the blood test on friday. the doctors all laughed at me when i asked their professional opinions about the number of positive tests. got the official results this afternoon: I AM PREGNANT!!!!! i promised no more peeing on sticks. hubby bubby was laughing at me every morning when i would test. but i just couldn’t believe it. still can’t. we go for the ultrasound tomorrow.

we are obviously thrilled. it’s been a long crazy year of all this trying. we weren’t even really trying this last cycle bcs of my head injury. i know, too much information.

saturday was passover. lots of people at my parent’s house. i was so nauseous i couldn’t eat. ate matzoh throughout the entire service, and two and half matzoh balls for dinner. had to keep going outside for fresh air. it was all the food smells. once they were gone i started to feel better.

so our families are of course over the moon. mom and dad are freaking out as much as we are. mom has been restraining dad from telling everyone until we knew for sure. just got an email from a girlfriend, and she’s pregnant too! and about as far along as i am (6 weeks, we think). so now i have a pregnancy buddy. hurray!

I'm trying to breathe and concentrate on other things, but it’s very difficult ☺

maybe???

2008-04-17T16:35:00.000-05:00

big week for me... passed the licensure exam on monday (yeah yeah, i know, enough already), was offered a job today, AND... had three positive pregnancy tests. breathe.

which news first? the job. had my third meeting at bgtm this afternoon. it was to meet with the new residential director to make sure that we click. i met with the vp first, the with the rd. the new rd is nice. she’s brand new. anyway. she offered me the position, and i accepted. start on may 5th. residential therapist. own office. bigger salary. very happy. feeling very surreal.

while i was getting ready for the meeting earlier, i decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm on day 45 or something, very mild cramping. i was vomiting last week, and i never vomit. thought it might be food poisoning or something, but it wasn’t anything that i ate that night. kept meaning to test, but every time i have in the past, my period’s started the next day. so didn’t want to waste the time or money. but thought, what the hell, earlier. been nauseous and light-headed lately. oh wow. it was positive. called hubby bubby. he’s excited. but it’s so hard after last time. i’ve taken three tests so far and they’ve all been positive. so i’ll test again in the morning, and call the doc if it’s still positive. it was very hard to concentrate during the meeting at bgtm. i keep checking the tests to make sure I'm reading them right.

will keep ya posted...

go me!

2008-04-16T20:37:00.000-05:00

i passed!!!! hurray!!!! there are not enough exclamation points to express how happy i am that i passed and never have to take that damn exam again. it was a bitch. absolutely ridiculous. but it’s over. took it on the 14th. i have never studied so hard for an exam in my whole entire life. never. i even made flash cards. yes, flash cards. they were helpful. i was a nervous wreck throughout the whole exam. test anxiety ran rampant. would be fine for a little bit, then would start thinking about the ramifications of failing the test. have a little panic attack. talk myself off the ledge. the test was like nothing that i prepared for. nothing. i held my breath as i waited for the results. had to take this survey about the testing center before getting my score. i thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest waiting. i still don’t know what my actual score was. but it doesn’t really matter. all that matters is that i passed. and that i never have to take the test again. i would like to know my score, though. or maybe not. but i started a blog about the exam with some tips that helped me. apparently, according to several personal sources, not many people pass it on the first try. whew!

my darling hubby bubby beshert sent me flowers. he’s so cute. we went to chang’s that night to celebrate. sal took us out last night. and we went out with grandma tonight. but that was bcs grandpa is out of town. we didn’t tell her about the exam. not sure she would’ve gotten it. my parent’s haven’t offered to do anything special for me. kinda sad about that. i know they know the importance of the exam. I'm sorry - I'm feeling a little self-important right now. very proud of myself. don’t mean to be boastful and overall full of myself. just happy that I'm done with the blasted thing.

have a third meeting with bgtm tomorrow afternoon. meeting with the new residential director. hopefully this will be the last meeting before an offer is extended. made my first cobra payment today - not happy about that. don’t want to do that for another month.

so relieved about our taxes. they were about $7000 less than we thought they were going to be. yeah, that much. we sold our rental property last year, and were expecting to pay a huge capital gains tax. we had enough charitable donations and other deductions to offset the capital gains taxes. we still owed money, but it wasn’t nearly as much as we thought it would be. so we’re happy. plus, the tax accountant found errors in our 2004-2006 taxes, so we’re going to be getting a refund from those years. I'm still freaking out about money. will continue freaking out until i resume being gainfully employed.

speaking of... i went by my old office last week to return the emergency car kit and fire extinguisher. felt totally dismissed. they weren’t exactly rude, but they weren’t friendly either. had to keep telling myself that it was business, not personal. my former supervisor acted totally indifferent towards me. it hurt. i understand that i sorta put them in a bad position having to fill my job without real notice. but like she said at the time, it was expected. they knew it was coming. after everything, it hurt.

made a bunch of beaded stitch markers today. need to take pictures so i can list them on etsy. it was fun. went to kirkwood knittery yesterday. bought myself some koigu as a celebratory present. loooooove koigu. need to do some finishing of projects.

all good things people....

nerd alert

2008-04-09T20:07:00.001-05:00

busy week. been spending most of it studying for the licensing exam. it’s scheduled. been pretty mean about not telling anyone when it’s scheduled for. don’t need any more pressure. i put enough on myself as it is. still scary. test anxiety is lessening. never studied this much for an exam before in my life. but i’ve been at starbucks and the library for most of the day. doing all right on the practice tests. but am starting to memorize the questions and answers. need to make sure I'm memorizing the material instead. from what i understand, the test is pure memorization. so based on the practice exams, i know where my weaknesses are and can focus on them.

oh, this is frustrating: hadn’t heard anything back from the doctor with test results from last week, so i called yesterday. they couldn’t find where they sent my blood for testing. that really instilled confidence in my doctor. they said, we’re sorry but we don’t know where it is. then, i get a third call back from the office asking when and where i gave the sample. uhm, in your office after the consultation. frustrating. they called me back today to let me know that they found the sample and had some of the results. everything looked good. so just going from there.

what else? still interviewing. got the third call from bgtm. they’re very interested. going for a drug screening tomorrow for them. i’ve been unofficially offered a position with them pending a passing score on the licensing exam. so that’s really good. talked with the vp there on monday, and she wants for me to call her after the exam. then she’s going to set up a meeting with me and the new residential therapy director. but the unspoken offer is there. had an interview today with another residential agency that is attached to a children’s psychiatric hospital. they want to see me again for a second interview late next week. so we’ll see. I'm not counting my chickens yet...

haven’t been doing anything except studying really. watching a little tv. i was about to mention how boring my life is, but we all know what happens when i do that...

miss mary sunshine

2008-04-03T23:57:00.000-05:00

yea: more not sleeping. i was almost asleep until i had some random vision of a guy getting in my car and pulling out a gun. joy. figured i better type it out.

so. yesterday i quit. it was so raw and emotional. so difficult to do. and i struggled with it. had gone to the doctor for a follow up. she said that my head’s gonna hurt for a while. the bruising will disappear on it’s own, both on my hand and my head. and i was definitely fighting with ptsd. she wrote me out for another two weeks. hmmm... i had already decided that i wasn’t going back to work, and was planning on quitting anyway. she suggested that i take the two weeks to think about it, use the workman’s comp time, then go in and quit. i didn’t think that was a very ethical choice, and told her so. it just didn’t seem right.

but i continued to struggle with the option on the way to the office. it was a paycheck and health insurance for two more weeks. but the end result was going to be the same. so i called hubby bubby. he agreed with me. i called my dad. he agreed with me, and couldn’t quite understand why i was calling him when it seemed that i had figured it out. we came up with a way to present it to my supervisor.

she and i made small talk. she asked me how i was doing. we talked about the client who had attacked me. talked about a few other clients. then i broke it out. so i actually came here today to give you my two week’s notice. i thought so, she said, it was expected. as it turns out, my doctor wrote me out for another two weeks, so I'm not sure how you guys want to handle that in terms of workman’s comp, or using vacation or sick time. she said she’d check in to it.

i told her how much i’d enjoyed my time there, and how i felt i’d grown personally and professionally. yada yada yada. she said nice things about me and my work and how much they’d miss me. i said that this wasn’t how i would’ve liked things to go. that i would’ve liked to give her, the agency, and my clients proper notice. that i would’ve liked to say goodbye to my clients and co-workers. i told her about the doctor’s suggestion and how i didn’t think that it would ethical or right. she agreed. she said that she would be happy to provide glowing references if asked. she was speechless. she understood why i couldn’t come back. it was all bittersweet.

i got in my car and cried. it was relief. relief that i wouldn’t have to put myself in any type of similar situation. relief that i could now move on. relief that the whole telling the supervisor I'm quitting part was over. i went home.

got a call from hubby bubby about three minutes after i walked in the door. his grandparents needed stuff at the grocery store. so i went to pick up grandpa and took him to the store. then went back and talked with him and grandma for a bit. they knew that we were going to the baseball game later, and grandma told me a story about a little boy named jose who went to a ball game for the first time in his life, and everyone was so concerned if he could see the field. cute.

the ball game. one of the families that i sit for occasionally offered us tickets for last night’s game. very sweet. great timing. so i left the grandparent’s house to pick up the tickets. the game was good, and a nice distraction. stadium hot dogs always make me happy. cards won 8-3 against the rockies. we had a fun time. it was so cold out though. so we bought jackets.

today. we went to see the fertility specialist this morning. that was fun. at least we have a better idea now of what’s going on and why i haven’t been able to get pregnant. i apparently have something called polycystic ovarian syndrome. basically it means that my body doesn't know how to ovulate. isn’t that nice. the doctor suggested several measures of treatment. all very enjoyable and cheap, of course. we’re going to stick with ockham’s razor on this one. simplest things first. and I'm especially freaking out about it bcs of the cost and I'm not sure how much longer i’ll have insurance unless i get another job or take cobra. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. and hubby bubby wonders why I'm so blue. he asked me again tonight if i was okay. sure. I'm about as good as someone who has a head injury, is unemployed and not able to get pregnant can be. aren’t i just a ball of sunshine.

i finally went to the grocery store today. first time in almost a month. saw a co-worker there with one of her clients. very awkward. very sad.

been feeling a little something like buyer’s remorse today. keep questioning if i did the right thing in quitting yesterday. i know for my own personal sanity, it was absolutely the right thing to do. but financially? no way. I'm so freaked out about the money. and health insurance. the cost is ridiculous to put me on my husband’s plan. cobra’s gonna be a lot too. I'm so scared of running through our savings. then what? i’ve been sending out a bunch of resumes. learning how to “apply online.” hate that. would much rather just fax my cv and cover letter. but I'm getting better. even emailed a bunch. whatever way they want it, right. i haven’t heard back from anywhere really. i’ve lost count of how many i sent out, but haven’t been hearing back one way or another. not even the thanks but no thanks form letters. hmmm... almost makes me wonder if they got them. nah, they’re probably buried under a pile of other ones on someone’s desk. and i haven’t heard from the place where i had two interviews. no news is good news?

yeah, i know i said that i’d come back with a better attitude. but i think that given the circumstances, it’s understandable why i haven’t. am i feeling sorry for myself? yes. absolutely.

on the up side... i finished the gorgeous rainbow shawl today. go me. just need to block it out now. ah, there’s my sunny attitude ;) can’t you hear it in my typing?!?! also dyed another skein of cascade 220, the last to finish my technicolor circle of death shawl. it’s drying in the garage. it was a pretty easy shawl to make. just tedious, hence, circle of death.

i better try to get some sleep. I'm meeting with one of my step-MIL’s employees tomorrow morning. she’s been helping me network, and he’s apparently very well connected. then i’ve got the garage door people coming out to look at the door. ever since hubby bubby tried to back out of the garage without opening the door first, the door just hasn’t been working right. go figure.

keep ya posted...

there is a name for it, you know

2008-04-02T00:47:00.000-05:00

i’ve been a roaring ball of emotions for the last few days. especially today, as evidenced by my earlier post. i’ve been vacillating. i think it all came to a head earlier today when my hubby bubby came home to find me balled into a corner of the shower. sobbing.

i’d been on the verge all day. afraid to think what i was thinking. i got in to the shower, and just started bawling. i couldn’t stop. i was trying to wash my hair, and it hurt so badly. and it made me think of why it hurt so badly. and i couldn’t stop crying. i’d lather up, and have to stop for a few minutes. at one point i just sunk into the floor of the shower. that’s where i was when hubby bubby got home from work. must’ve scared the hell out of him. he wanted to know what was so horrible that i was in this uncontrollable state. “i don’t want to go back to work,” i choked out. his response: “then don’t.” do i have the best hubby bubby beshert, or what?

so i got out of the shower and got dressed. he talked. he made sense. i was still a blubbering mess. he said that it’s not worth it to feel this way. no amount of money is worth my safety. or my head. and we’d find a way to get by financially. and our families wouldn’t let us starve. or become homeless. he said something that he’s never said before, which was later echoed by my parents: “i never wanted for you to take this job. not after what i knew it entailed.” but he is never one to tell me not to do something. he’s been scared for me. for two freaking years he’s been scared for me and the phone calls that came. I'm sorry honey, i didn’t mean to scare you.

we had already been talking about me quitting. hell, i’ve been interviewing for other jobs. but i expected to go back to work for a couple weeks, then put in my proper two weeks notice, etc. the problem is, every time i think about going back to work, i freak out. which lead me to be the roaring ball of emotions.

so i called my parents and asked if we could come over. i didn’t explain why, which made them both very nervous. and i could’ve talked with them about this over the phone, but i felt like they needed to see the emotion. so we went over there immediately. and i told them that i had to quit my job, and that i was scared, and couldn’t get past it. my mother, the social worker, had the audacity to say to me, the social worker, “there is a name for what you’re going through, you know. ptsd.” uh, yeah, duh. thank you. and i realized, with brilliant clarity, that i really don’t have it all together in that department, and my blase act was to mask the ptsd i was experiencing. again, duh.

but my parents were cooler about it than i thought they’d be. they told me how scared they were for me, and that they hadn’t wanted for me to take this job to begin with either. and they said that they would help us financially if we needed it.

that’s my biggest problem with this, the financial aspect. I'm so scared to put us in this financial position. i mean, we’ve got savings, and we’re doing pretty well. but that’s on two incomes. and before we pay our enormous taxes that we are sure to have this year since we sold our rental property last year, all capital gains. uhg. so I'm afraid to syphon money out of the savings to pay current bills. luckily i won’t have to worry about that for a few weeks. i paid all our bills last night. so our mortgage is current until next month, my car’s not due until the end of the month. cable, gas and electric are paid. and we’re not going to starve. still scary.

so I'm to call my supervisor in the morning and ask to see her during the day, either before or after my doctor’s appointment. I'm sure that my resignation is to be expected. but that doesn’t make it any easier. obviously not, given that it’s now after 1a, and I'm in my office typing instead of in bed. so now i need to do what i’ve been telling other people to do...

breathe. just breathe

perspective

2008-04-01T14:14:00.006-05:00

i am so bored. b.o.r.e.d. been off work for three and a half weeks now. been on the couch for most of it. watching movies and dumb tv. but as bored as i am, i don't want to go back to work. i am scared. as much as i realize that this was (most likely) an isolated incident, a part of me wonders if it'll happen again. and i can't help but be nervous that it will. every time a client gets the least bit agitated, i'm going to wonder if they're going to attack. i'm going to be nervous being alone with a client, especially if there's no one around to assist if necessary. i just don't know what to do. i'm going back to the doctor tomorrow. the mri results were negative, which is good. they showed bruising, which is not normal, but to be expected. my hand is still sore and bruised, and my head still hurts. especially when i wash my hair, i have to be very careful, or if i'm lying down on my back. uh, yeah, none of that. all right, not too much of that ;) but yes, i am scared to go back to work. and so bored i'm watching an olsen twins movie from 1995. not to worry, 90210 is on soon. unfortunately, this is not an april fool's joke. here i go again...

so i've been working on this beautiful knitted shawl with kauni yarn. it's gorgeous. i'm so in love with the yarn and colorway. i'm getting close to finishing. this has been keeping me semi-sane and occupied. not much else has.

::sigh:: really don't like the way i'm feeling. don't like feeling so down on myself. just nothing going on. i'm home by myself for nine hours a day. the cats are comforting. but they don't talk. and i can only call my husband or i-m my friends while they're at work so much.

i did register for the licensing exam. that's pretty big. another scary thing to me. registration has been accepted, and now just waiting for the official letter so i can schedule the exam. holding off on sending out any more resumes until after the exam. i haven't heard back from btgm yet for a 3rd interview. hopefully soon. but wouldn't be upset if i didn't hear from them until after i take the exam. the job is seemingly contingent upon me passing the exam. s.c.a.r.y.

i'm just rambling and feeling sorry for myself. i know that things could always be worse. one of my girlfriends found out yesterday that she miscarried and is having a d&c as i type. i feel so badly for her. been there done that. hubby bubby and i go to see the fertility specialist in two days. joy. hard to get excited about that. hopefully it will yield good results. i'm at the end of my cycle right now. just waiting at this point.

i will come back at a later date with a much sunnier attitude...

must

2008-03-26T17:09:00.002-05:00

see:

read:

day after day

2008-03-26T16:12:00.000-05:00

yes, he came home. yes, he apologized. yes, he agreed that he was acting like an ass. he said that he knew as he was saying what he said that he was wrong and being a jerk. and that once i called him an asshole, he had to leave to cool down. and he said that he would go grocery shopping after work today, and then cook dinner. so we came up with some easy-peasy fool-proof recipes for him to make. he makes the world’s best chili, so he’s going to do that, tacos, and pasta. i just can’t eat anything else out of a can.

i’ve been on the couch all day. mostly watching bad tv and chatting on line with some good old camp friends. it’s always interesting to me how relationships ebb and flow, and how with some people you can just pick up right where you left off. how relationships change and grow with distance. one girlfriend just switched jobs against her better judgement and is now miserable. so i’ve been trying to talk her out of her funk. another girlfriend offered to shop my resume to her agency that has offices all over the world. i’ll take whatever help i can get.

my MIL has been amazing. she knows everyone plus some, and has been sending my resume to them all. so helpful. it’s nice to have an in.

i was called for a second interview tomorrow with a children’s agency. nice. i’ll be interviewing with a different person who sounded very anxious to meet with me. she said that the woman i interviewed with earlier in the week had just been bugging her about me calling back. good sign, right? the only thing I'm concerned about with this job is that it is basically contingent on me passing the licensing exam. ugh. scary. i don’t test well to begin with, but with this added pressure... very scary.

got the MRI results back this morning, and everything looks good. just bruising on my brain, but no tears or anything. so that’s good. going back to my doctor in a week for a final check up. its been kinda nice having this time off, but I'm getting bored. my couch has a permanent ass print. though I'm still not sleeping well. still dizzy with too much movement. headaches.

oh - had an interview yesterday. the agency and job seemed interesting. but i get there, there’s no receptionist or anyone around, so i knock on an open door and say “hi, I'm here to see blah blah.” she says “go sit down, i’ll be right there.” okay. then she runs out and tells me that I'm going to watch a video first about the agency. okay. so i watch the video. she takes me back in her office, and starts telling me why the position is open. that’s nice. “are you familiar with st. louis?” yes, very, i grew up here. “good. the position is located at blah blah elementary school. it’s on kingshighway and thekla. do you know where that is?” yes, I'm familiar with that area. “how would you feel about doing home visits in that area?” I'm not comfortable with that, i don’t feel that it’s a very safe area. “and why is that?” i was car-jacked a few blocks from there a few months ago. i’ve had two work-related head injuries in the last four months which is why I'm looking elsewhere. “well, i guess we’re done here.” yes we are. very strange indeed.

been working on several crochet and knit projects. almost finished with my spiral of death shawl. I'm probably going to have to dye one more hank of yarn for it. really love hand dyeing with kool-aid. so quick and easy. and fun. I'm on the end of the spiral piping of this shawl, and i just know I'm going to run out of yarn before it’s finished. so i have to make my way over to an LYS for the yarn. and to the market for more kool-aid.

been getting set up on ravelry. it’s a really neat site. now just need to take pictures of projects to put up there.

that’s all that’s been going on here. it’s been pretty boring. but it’ll get better...

...but not as we know it

2008-03-25T19:31:00.000-05:00

he left. he actually left. not exactly sure how this all started. but he left. and i don’t know if he’s coming back. or what this means. or how it will get resolved. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. i feel betrayed. nothing has ever gone this far before. we don’t get in to it often. but i guess when we do...i don’t know. i just don’t know.

he came home from work. wouldn’t really talk to me. didn’t even kiss me hello. i was on the couch. with the computer. half-assing around. (just fyi: he just pulled back in to the garage. whew). he wasn’t talking. asked him to tell me about his day. he wasn’t really forthcoming. so i turned on wheel of fortune. asked what he wanted for dinner, and went to the pantry. pasta. mac and cheese. some turkey bake thingy. frozen egg rolls. frozen pizza rolls. easy stuff that i could make while i have a concussion. he says he’ll nuke a pizza later. got me thinking. you know, every day, no matter what kind of day i’ve had or how tired i am, i cook dinner for us. and i would’ve thought that while i’ve been couch-ridden the last two weeks, he might’ve done the same. but no. it was heat a can of spaghetti-o’ or a frozen pizza. order out. go out. so that kinda got me going a little. but that part comes later.

i tell him that i finally heard from his step-mother. he says that he did, too, and she’s bringing dinner over on thursday night. interesting, since when i talked with her, i told her not to bother. so now we have the problem of cleaning the house. it’s a absolute mess. but that’s exactly why i told her not to come, because i don’t feel up to cleaning right now. and i mention that. could we go out somewhere with her? could we go to her house? no, she’s coming here. well, I'm not really feeling up to cleaning quite yet. moving around too much still makes me feel woozy. “well that’s selective, isn’t it.” huh? really? and then he walks away without justifying his accusation. so I'm thinking, what the fuck?

“well, you’ve been driving, haven’t you?” yes, but only to job interviews. oh, and one night last week when you wouldn’t take the movies back to the rental store so we could avoid a $20 late fee. “but you have been driving.” again, yes, in those two situations. how else am i going to get to the interviews? if i want to find a new job, I'm going to have to interview. and do you know how the driving made me feel? that watching traffic made me feel dizzy. that i felt light-headed. “and we’ve been going out. you were shopping last night.” yes, but do you know how it made my head feel afterwards? do you? “well, why didn’t you tell me?” bcs. bcs it seems that every time i mention how I'm feeling, your attitude is ‘enough already.’ it doesn’t seem like you care to hear how dizzy some activity makes me, so i don’t tell you. why should i bore you with this? “but then why did you tell your mother that you exaggerated your symptoms to the doctor bcs you were scared to go back to work?” that’s not exactly what i said to her. you weren’t paying attention to the conversation, and only heard that bit, which is now being taken out of context. and why are we arguing about this anyway?

he walked away and went in his office. i don’t know what happened. i don’t know how things escalated. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know. i just don’t know.

then he comes out and apologizes. at least about the misunderstanding what i said to my mother. “but if we’re being honest, the dizziness seems selective.” okay. if we’re being honest, I'm really disappointed that you haven’t thought to cook dinner for us the last two weeks. “i think there’s somewhere else i have to be.” and he left. he left. he left.

i feel like the bottom just dropped out, and there’s nothing to grab on to. i don’t know what’s going to happen. soft landing? or finit? i don’t feel that we were even arguing about something concrete. i can’t find the basis. am i wrong? is he? what happens now?

I'm feeling so fragile. hate this feeling. if i start crying, i feel like i wouldn’t stop. in the course of our marriage, i have never had this feeling before. the feeling that we passed the point of no return. and over what? please tell me! over what?

it’s life jim...

not happy that...

2008-03-17T01:47:00.001-05:00

...it’s almost 2am on a sunday night
...i'm still awake
...i'm dizzy and nauseous still
...i'm having memory issues
...my head hurts...a lot
...my hand has turned an ugly shade of yellow and red
...people keep making jokes that my hand is bruised bcs i hit my husband
...beginning tomorrow, I'm on workman’s comp
...beginning tomorrow, workman’s comp pays only 2/3 of my salary
...i will most likely be off another week of work
...i feel like crap
...i’ve been big time grumpy all week
...i’ve also been big time whiney all week
...my family is scared for me to go back to work
...i'm scared for me to go back to work
...i drove my car for the first time today since the 10th
...i got motion sickness from driving
...moving around makes me feel like i was out drinking all night (too bad i wasn’t)
...people have said that they’re “disturbed” by what happened to me last week
...it took me getting beat up for my only aunt to call me after not speaking to me for over two years (bcs there weren’t “enough” pictures of her in our wedding photo proof book)
...the supervisors or co-workers at my agency haven’t expressed any concern
...my agency is governed by an HR entity that tells them to do stupid crap
...i have to be on workman’s comp
...my doctor doesn’t accept workman’s comp insurance
...workman’s comp insurance won’t reimburse me for my doctor visits
...there aren’t a lot of job listings posted on-line for clinical social workers
...i sent resumes for non social work jobs (ie-human resource manager)
...my agency isn’t doing more to support me (ie-find me an inside job)
...we have an appointment to see a fertility specialist next month
...everyone keeps asking when we’re going to start a family

*******************************************************************

happy that...
...i have a wonderful hubby bubby beshert
...good, caring friends, who keep checking up on me ☺
...i have a loving family
...i'm alive

the big question

2008-03-12T12:51:00.002-05:00

i always say that things are crazy. sometimes it's my way of yada-yada-ing over daily crap. other times, it means that i've been running rampant. the last three days have been literally crazy stupid. i was physically attacked by a client on monday the 10th. i've been dizzy and disoriented since. on lots of pain meds. yes, i have a concussion. the second in less than four months. not happy about that. feel like crap. not thinking too clearly. but here's the skinny:

background on client: he's been with my agency for many years, and i've worked with him since i've been there. i've never had any real problems with him, and i don't think there have been at the agency. he has schizophrenia and is believed to have mild mental retardation. he is also forensic, which means that he was tried for a crime and found not guilty by reason of insanity. he has been living in the community for several years and has a forensic case monitor who makes sure that he meets his conditions of release. he is with my agency because he is forensic and required to be by his conditions of release. he lives in a group home (rcf - residential care facility) that monitors his medications and takes care of all his basic needs. he doesn't do anything all day except sleep and smoke. so i just drop in to see him when i can during the week. i see him once a week, and two of my co-workers see him once a week. it's just a home visit, he hardly ever needs to go anywhere.

so on monday...

i went over to the rcf to see him. the nurse got him out of his room since i refuse to go back there (have to pass through the indoor smoking area to get to his room, and it is way too smokey for me). so he came out, and seemed to be in a good mood. he was smiling and laughing. we went downstairs to the open kitchen area to talk and review paperwork. we were sitting at a table across from each other. he was laughing a lot and talking - his speech is really hard to understand, so i just nod along. i was trying to keep him focused on our paperwork - we were reviewing his quarterly progress report. he reached out to take my hand, and said that he wanted to hold my hand while he told me something. i said that it was not appropriate to hold my hand, but he could tell me whatever he wanted. he started talking about being in the military (we're not sure if he ever really was). i tried to redirect him to the paperwork. he began jerking his head around, a sign that he is symptomatic. then he started saying that he knew i had something to tell him and that i was hiding something. very calmly, i said that i didn't know what he was talking about. he said that i did, and asked again what i was hiding. again, calmly, i said that there was nothing i was hiding and didn't know what he was talking about. then he looked at me, and threw a punch that missed my face. i jumped up from the table and started running away, screaming. he's tall, about 6'5", and has long arms. he grabbed my neck and just started hitting the back of my head - which is probably all he could reach based on our height difference. he was just punching my head. he got in at least four punches. at one point i guess i put my right hand up to my head to try to protect it from the blows, but he got my hand instead. my right hand is swollen and bruised. someone (later found out it was the owner of the rcf) pulled him off me. i was hyperventilating and generally freaking out. i saw them getting him upstairs towards his room. he turned around and punched one of the nurses. i think he also punched another resident.

whew. so they called the police. i called his forensic case monitor, who is aptly named dick. just wanted to let him know what happened. he started telling me that i needed to get the client into metropolitan psychiatric center (mpc). i told him that i wasn't going to do anything at that moment bcs i had just been attacked by the client and was freaking out. i hung up on him. called my supervisor to let her know. among other things, she told me that if dick called me back to tell dick that he needed to do his job and take care of the client, i was no longer his social worker, and dick could call her if he had any questions. so when he eventually called me back, that's what i told him. gave the police my statement. my neck was bleeding from when he grabbed me, and there's a nice scratch there. the rcf cleaned it up. and the police took the client to mpc, where he is most likely going to stay. talked with my supervisor today and they are trying to get his conditions of release revoked so that he will not be allowed to live in the community.

once i was calm, and my client was contained, i drove myself from grand and page out to mo bap hospital on ballas. could've gone to st. mary's, but mo bap is so much nicer. asked for a tetanus shot since he had broken the skin, and i know how often he bathes (about once every two weeks), and there's always crud under his nails. i knew that i had a tetanus shot in the last ten years, but didn't think i had one in the last five. and figured it couldn't hurt. although it does now!

they did a ct scan and xrays of my hand. the triage nurses and ct tech remembered me from november. everyone wanted to know if i was going to be looking for a new job. so did my doctor today.

so that's what happened. my last 48 hours or so. my doctor has me on bed rest until at least next monday, possibly returning to work on tuesday. moving around isn't too much fun right now. i'm doing pretty well on the couch. but i get dizzy easily, and am wobbly. hubby bubby's been amazing. he met me at the hospital yesterday. i dragged him out of a recording session. he's been picking up prescriptions for me. i just sent him to the grocery store for me. he came back and made me dinner - granted it was spaghetti-o's.

i'm just hanging out on the couch now. my doctor was really concerned about these concussions and me not doing anything in the next few days that could exacerbate the condition. they didn't find anything on the ct scan, which is good. so i'm to take it easy, and not do too much for the next week. so that's my plan. a friend asked if i wanted to go to the zoo with her and her daughter tomorrow, which was really sweet, but not going to happen. i can barely walk a straight line right now. not that i can usually walk a straight line... but like i said, i'm getting dizzy easily and not thinking too clearly. i'm moving and thinking slowly.

so the question that everyone, including myself, keeps asking: am i going to find a new job? i'm not sure right now. i love what i do. i think i'm good at it. i like my agency. but i can't ignore the 2 concussions in 4 months. it's dangerous. duh. gotta consider the future. and head injuries aren't good. okay - just read the last few sentences. i am groggy from the meds, hee hee. i know that i need to do something. probably not a good idea to make these choices while on heavy meds. so i'm just going to take it easy and not really worry about it right now. the meds mess with my emotions anyway. start crying for seemingly no reason. sometimes it's bcs of the pain. other times, it's not for anything.

uhg! that's my story. gotta be done with the typing for now. later.

Puerto Vallarta, pt 2

2008-01-19T20:24:00.002-06:00

on the plane back now. Home. Can't wait to get there. Strange thing about vacations: always can't wait to get away, but even harder to wait to get home. I miss my husband. I miss our cats. I even miss work and my clients. I miss my life.

luckily, the plane wasn't full, so i got to move from my squished up seat. I was in a row with two other people who both took up two seats with their girth. Now, we all know that i'm not one to talk about someone's weight, people in glass houses and all that, but i had literally half an airplane seat, and was leaning out into the aisle. Not fun. Especially since the seats are so small to begin with. So i got to move. In a row all by myself. Which is really nice. I don't want to talk to people on planes. I always feel like i'm yelling, and i don't hear too well anyway.

Not too much eventful happened after the double daquiris. The weather was often spotty, but we braved it out (me often under a blanket of towel) by the pool. I tried a wonderful new drink (well, new to me anyway, considering it'd been over a year since i had any alcohol) called the mojito. So yum. New favorite. Read 12 of the 13 books i had brought, plus one of mom's. Into the 13th one now. Pretty good. Needed a break from reading though.

we went to a couple different breakfast places, nothing memorable. Ate lunch by the pool, splitting a sandwich or chicken quesadilla. Dinner was probably the highlight. Wednesday night, afteer our 2nd massages (pure bliss), we went to tikul. Verry yum. Macademia nut encrusted seabass. Another new favorite. Shopping at little stores.

Thursday night we went to Archie's Wok, a perrenial favorite. I thought it was just okay. Not as good i remembered. But their mojito was better than the ones by the pool. Then we went to a little jewelry store in the area. Really pretty stuff. I bought 2 rings and 2 bracelets.

or, i should say, i tried to buy 2 rings and 2 bracelets. My credit card was denied :( as it turns out, the company had arbitrarily lowered my limit between the time i left for mexico, and thursday. They sent a letteer, i was told. That's very nice, thank you, but i'm in mexico, and this is the only card i brought with me, what can you do to help me so i can eat the next two days? Finally, i got a guy who was nice and understanding, and agreed to extend my limit a little for the next few days. Nothing like getting your credit card denied while on vacation. At least the story has a happy ending: mom paid for all my jewelry. I really found some gorgeous stuff.

had seen a little square ring in a store earlier in the week, but it didn't fit. Finally found it again in a little store downtown where the owner told me i was a very pretty woman and spoke excellent spanish. He knew how to sell.

let's see... Friday night we went to barcelona tapas bar. Not bad. Their daquiri was horrible though. Oh well. How easily we slip back in to old habits.

mom's been driving me crazy. Been a long time since i've traveled with her. So passive aggressive, and everything has to be her way or she tantrums. But quietly tantrums. It was just easier to say "sure, whatever, i don't care, whatever you'd like." then she'd say, "i need some help, i want your input." so i'd give it to her. We'd end up doing what she wanted in the end. Such a silly game. But i really didn't caree where we went to eat. It was all good. The only time it really bugged me was on the days that the sun wasn't out and she still wanted to be by the pool.

And i went parasailing. Such a wonderful experience. Really enjoyed it. Took my camera up with me and got pictures. It was the perfect day for it, too.

And i got to go inside a mexican Walmart. That was my quest for the trip. After i saw the store from the taxi on the way to our first night into downtown, i wanted to go there. Still not sure why. Just felt it had to be dramatically different than the ones at home. Everything is so americanized there now. Kinda sucks. Changes the city. Anyway. We finally went last night. It was one of the supercenters with a full grocery. It wasn't stocked to the brim like ours are. There's a little bit of a lot. I bought a couple bottles of hot sauce for hubby bubby, andd found two knitting mags.

So i found two stores that sell yarn (walmart didn't even have it). La Perlita had some behind a glass case. But it was only Sinfonia, which we have at home. No patterns or anything else. The other store, Telas Parisina, had the same stuff, plus a bit of Bernat. ::pout:: oh well. I have plenty at home. Just thought it would be nice.

I think that's about it. Just ready to go home and be with my hubby. I'm such a sap. But we haven't been apart for a week before, at least not since we got married.

bye bye vallarta...

Puerto Vallarta, pt 1

2008-01-16T20:23:00.003-06:00

january in mexico. Not a bad way to spend a week.

Got here on saturday (the 12th). On the beach by 1130 or so. I, of course, burnt immediately despite the constant application of spf 30. It finally stopped hurting. oh well. Went to a lovely italian place that night in the marina called portobello. It was yum.

So during the day we just lie around on the beach or by the pool. Definitely prefer the pool at the this hotel. The beach is nice, but it's not a smooth sand beach, so it's a little uncomfortable to walk on. Plus, it's very far away from the restrooms. An important thing to consider. But the pools are great. I think there are something like four or five on the properrty. And they all have these little beds built in that you can lie on. Little sunning beds. So i bring a book into the pool, lie down in the water. Can't complain.

Dinner at Trio on sunday. Also yum. Our routine has been to get up around 730 or 8, hit the gym, get breakfast, then go change into our suits. Lie out from about 10 to 4 or 5, get cleaned up for dinner. Rough life, i know.

monday night we booked massages at this little place in the marina that does 75 min for $40. Cannot find that kind of deal at home. It was heaven. We're going back tonight. After the masssage we went to a sushi place called Susie Wong's. It was okay. I can be snobby about my sushi. I like it cold, and this place was lukewarm. Oh well. Still good.

Tuesday morning we walked into the marina for exercise and breakfast. Then i had my nails done at a little place. I thought they had done a good job. It was a nice experience - they even put cucumbers on my eyes. Nice. But about half way through the day i noticed that the polish was still sticky, and then it started coming off. Definitely not happy about that. By late in the afternoon it was all gone. So might go say something to them when we go to the marina tonight.

so last night we went to Las Palapas with a couple that mom knows from home. Claytonites. I've met them before i think. Anyway. This couple brought some friends of theirs who are also from st. louis. I got stuck sitting at the end of the table with the friends of friends. The husband was nice enough, but the wife started talking about her alcoholism and depression, and would not shut up. Once she found out i was a clinical social worker, all bets were off. Omg! I fell like i should've been paid for dinner! I had 2 strawberry daquiris instead. She had a bunch of stuff going on. It was a little much for me.

i skipped the gym this morning in favor of sleep. By the pool now. Very relaxing. Gonna go read now. Later.

what's going on

2008-01-11T16:21:00.000-06:00

happy new year. Been crazy busy. But isn't it always. Things have been good. Still not pregnant. We don't think. Took pee test this morning, but it might still be too early to tell. We'll see what happens. But the good news is that my progesterone levels are finally up. They were in the 20s at the last test, which is really good. So yea me.

Off to mexico in the morning. So looking forward to a week on the beach. I have to do some mad packing tonight. Dad's picking me up at 4am. Lovely.

So tired today. Hubby bubby woke me up in the middle of the night, and i couldn't get back to sleep. Oh well. I figure i'll sleep on the beach.

Crazy week it's been. Last weekend i went looking at houses with realtor friend. Found a few i liked. All in olivette. That night hubby bubby and i went over to her house and played 80s trivia with her and some friends. Hubby and i won! Go us.

sunday, after ethical and the grandparents, we went to show hubby the houses we found, and decided to pursue on of them. We were going to look at it later in the week, but realtor friend said that since we don't have our house on the market, we shouldn't pursue this house. It'll look like a stronger contract if our house is on the market, she said. S'okay. After i get back from mexico - nothing but beach fro the next 7 days - we'll start getting our house ready.

Monday night i went out with a fellow yarnie. Went to the new steinmart. Dept store. Nothing too exciting. Then to borders. Sat and knit and talked. She and her hubby are trying for baby #2 and she's in the same boat we are. So we talked about that.

Wednesday, grrr. Got really tired of dealing with stupid people. Went to best buy to look for a cable for hubby bubby. The greeter guy didn't know what the cable was or where to find it. Also didn't know where to find xd cards for my camera. Then why are you up at the front?

Then, i went to walgreens to pick up my clomid rx, pregnancy test and sunblock. Great combo right. Won't know if i need the clomid until i take the test, and couldn't get an accurate test until the weekend. But i had to buy the clomid in case it's negative, which now we think it is. Grrrrrrr. So i asked the pharmacist if i can return the clomid if it turns out i don't need it and don't take any of it. she got all rude, and said no. Then she got others involved, and they were beyond rude. So now we may or may not be out $70. I was growling by the time i got home.

Then...i go to check out bank statement on-line, and find that enterprise rent-a-car has withdrawn $170 from out account. Huh? So i call over there and talk with the manager who tells me that my insurance company has refused to pay for the last week i had the rental, and they've been trying to get a hold of me, and have left several messages. Uhm, no you haven't. Turns out they have an incorrect number for me. Moron inputted it in to the computer incorrectly. So i call my insurance guy, who after researching the issue, says, no, they never heard from enterprise. No records at all. And of course they'll pay for the rental charges, not even a question. So now i'm really soured on enterprise. Don't like to be lied to.

everything else has been good. Got my hair done yesterday. Always fun. It's purple. I love my hairdresser. She gave me pretty purple hair. Yea!

So now i'm sitting in a doctor's office waiting room, waiting for a client to be done with her session. She asked me if i wanted to come in, and i said no thanks, i went in with you last time. Truth is, i wanted to get my notes done. Bad me. Oh well. I've got to get everything done before i leave.

discharged three clients in the last week. Which sucks bcs now i'm down to 9. Need at least 11. And we've got a lot of days out on our team, so we have to scramble to make team share (bonuses). Intake is going to find me clients while i'm gone next week.

finally tracked down a couple old friends. Really happy about that. Lost a good camp friend a few years ago; found him. Talked with him last week. So that was nice. Also found a friend from high school. We've been emailing a lot. Can't believe he's married and has a kid. Amazing that we all actually do grow up. So finally breaking down and joining facebook and myspace has finally paid off.

I'm so friggin tired. Shame on hubby bubby. Yes, it was for a good cause ;) but still.

been making socks on two circular needles. That's been fun. The first pair i made, i was almost done with before i tried them on, and they were too small :( i'm working on the second pair now. Almost done. Turning the second heel. Like this method a lot. Can make two socks at once.

i think that isabelle wants to learn how to make socks too. When we came home last night, she had taken a ball of soysilk sock yarn (called tofootsie) and wound it through the house. At least she pulled from the center of the skein! Then she did it again this morning. Silly cat. My fault for leaving the yarn where she could get it. I seriously need more yarn storage. Gotta work on that.

Okay. I'm done. My fingers are tired. I will bring my little gadgets with me to mexico so i can write on the beach. Later.

aftermath

2007-11-17T02:30:00.000-06:00

it’s 230 in the fucking morning and i can’t sleep. my head is throbbing. there’s a huge knot on the side of my head, and i found the blood spot earlier. i finally, just now, succumbed to the pain and took a couple hydrocodone. i was actually prescribed vicodin, but didn’t fill the script. i hate these meds. knew that we had a couple scripts from previous surgeries that i could take if it came to it. i’ve been in and out of bed four times now. every time i think I'm ready for sleep - my body is tired enough, my mind has shut down - and i get in to bed, my mind keeps replaying the scenario, and i start crying and shaking. so i keep getting up and coming in here. looked at stuff on tivo for a bit. sought out random stuff to record. went back to bed. i played a trivia game for a while earlier. went to bed. got up bcs i couldn’t remember where my ipod was. so kept going back and forth between my office and the living room looking for it. finally found it. downloaded a bunch of pod-casts and videos from itunes. went back to bed. lasted all of about two minutes. started crying and shaking again. ransacked the bathroom pantry for the pain/sleep meds. took two hydrocodone. they don’t always work for me, and the side effects suck, but I'm desperate. and here i am. keep thinking about the violence. keep thinking about how i will handle the questions come monday. the head-tilted-well-meaning-but-often-patronizing “how are you?” the clients who want to know why I'm driving a rental car instead of my brand new element. the clients who want to know why i wasn’t answering my phone on friday, and why my supervisor was calling them to cancel my appointment with them. i have to figure out how i will handle going in to the office this week. i have to figure out how i will handle being out in the community this week. and i have to figure out how to tell the client whose home i was jacked in front of that i can’t pick him up from his residence any longer. that i will have to meet him in the community from here on out. that, no, we’re not going to switch him to another social worker bcs it’s not safe for any of us to be in his neighborhood. that it’s not safe for him to be in his neighborhood. that he’s going to have to take medicaid transportation to his doctor’s appointments, and find another way to get to walmart to shop for holiday presents for his grandsons. i am not looking forward to that conversation.

part of me wants to look for another job. one where I'm in an office all day. but i love the agency I'm with. there are no desk jobs at this time. and i love the work that I'm doing. and i know i would be bored in three seconds if i took a desk job. any where. and i know that running away from my fear is not going to change anything. the fear is always going to be there. the question of safety will always be there. I'm still trying to figure out why i felt the need to lock my car doors while in the drive thru at mcdonald’s right before going to that client’s home. it just seemed like a good idea. that may have been part of what saved me. bcs the asshole was trying to get in my car. the windows were up and the doors were locked. if ever a time to get religion.....

i don’t want to leave my job. I'm getting quiet pressure from my family. but in the year and a half that i’ve been with the agency, i’ve never felt unsafe going in to the neighborhoods that i go in to. and lucky me, i’ve set a new precedent at the agency. no one has ever had a gun to their head before. it’s amazing, really, when you think about the kind of places we all go in to every day. but i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. the supervisors are all saying that only they know at this point, and haven’t said anything to my co-workers. but i think they should. we should all know what to do in these situations, what to look out for. i know that there was nothing that i could’ve done differently. nothing. i got out with my life. that’s the important part. i know. hell if i know how i did it though.

if i could stop replaying it... it’s like a little horror movies. what sucks is that it’s the best horror movie i’ve seen in a long time! but we were watching this show last night, “drawn together.” this ep was a satire of the old fat albert cartoons. and they kept interspersing the cartoons with a real person acting all crazy like. at one point the guy takes out a gun and holds it to a woman’s head. lovely. wasn’t exactly the best thing for me to watch.

think I'm going to go try the couch. put on a movie. was trying to decide between labyrinth and empire records. think I'm gonna go with empire records. will hopefully fall asleep on the couch. it’s now 3am. great - now i’ve got that old KLF song in my head. points if you can sing the chorus...

lack of boredom

2007-11-16T14:13:00.000-06:00

if i ever complain about my life being boring again, please, someone, remind me of yesterday.

i was waiting in my car outside a client’s home in north city. i’ve waited outside this client’s home at least two times a week for the last nine months. i’ve seen cars pull up along side me and people get out of them on each visit. nothing’s ever happened from it, and i’ve never thought twice about. from now on, i will always think about it.

so i was sitting in my car, minding my business, playing a game on the pda, about to call my client and tell him i was outside waiting for him. i was listening to music. been loving the built-in xm radio, and playing with channels. a green minivan pulled up along side me, and i saw a guy get out of the driver’s side.

the next thing i knew, the guy was standing at my window, pointing a gun in my face. i think i got confused. like maybe he wanted to talk with me or something. don’t know what i was thinking. the gun hadn’t registered yet. i slammed on the horn. thought maybe i could scare him or get someone’s attention. but then i think i realized what was going on. he was pounding on my window. i noticed that if i pulled forward i wouldn’t be able to get away. there was not enough room for me to angle out from behind the car parked in front of me. so i backed up. he kept pounding on my car. broke the back window with his gun. i might’ve screamed. he smacked me in the back of my head with his gun. he was yelling something. i had the music on. i put the car in drive, and got the hell out of there. i couldn’t breathe. i had been trying to call 911 on my work phone. it wasn’t working. i kept dialing 991. picked up my personal cell phone and was able to get my fingers to work right.

i ran two stop signs. kept looking in the mirror to see if they were following me. i didn’t know where i was going. i was heading back to the office. that was all i could think about. the 911 operator had me pull over somewhere safe. would never consider that area where i pulled over to be the safest. but she stayed on the phone with me until a cop came. called my supervisor. “uhm, i need coverage,” was the first thing that came out of my mouth. then i thought, screw professionalism. big mess. me.

the cops took my statement, then took me to where they had a couple guys in custody. they found a couple guys matching my description two blocks from where it all happened. unfortunately, after viewing them from a distance, i couldn’t positively ID them. that part sucks. would’ve loved to be able to ID them. it all happened so fast.

the adrenaline rush was mind-altering. i couldn’t think. i finally called hubby bubby when i felt calm enough. but i couldn’t hold it together. had to pull him out of a session. he’s such a trooper. left immediately, wanted to come to where i was, still in the city. i told him that i would be home soon.

barely got myself home. called the insurance company on the way. called my supervisor back. called the executive director of my agency back. everyone was very supportive.

i stopped breathing when i got home and saw hubby bubby. it was strongly suggested that i go to the e/r to checked out. so i had hubby bubby take me. everyone wanted to know the story. but they were very nice at the hospital. did a CT scan of my brain to make sure there was no injury. there’s a big bump on my head, and a small blood spot. but they didn’t find anything internally. got a hold of my parents somewhere in there, and they came to the hospital to sit with us. i was finally discharged, and hubby bubby and i got chinese take out. spent the rest of the night on the couch, trying to block things out of my head.

no surprise that i couldn’t sleep. i think we finally turned the light out around 1230 or so. poor hubby, since he had to get up this morning for work. i was given the day off. which was another big DUH. i got up and played on the computer for a while. took a couple tylenol p.m. to knock me out. was so groggy this morning. but at least i slept.

been on the couch most of the day. and on the phone trying to get the car straightened out. my brand new car is a mess. it’s only 6 weeks old. I'm so upset about it. but it’s fixable. the back window is busted out and there’s glass all over the place. the front window has gun scratches all over it. there are a bunch of deep scrapes and scratches on the body. had to retell to the car guy. but they towed the car to the body shop, and arranged for my rental car.

so that’s my story. I'm okay. i think. groggy from the tylenol. today’s mom’s bday. we’re going out to dinner with my parents tonight. tomorrow is one of our anniversaries, me and hubby bubby. five years since we got back together. three years since he proposed. think we’re going to stay home, watch movies, order pizza. we’ll see.

talked with my supervisor earlier. i just want to get on with stuff. won’t do me any good to wallow and stay home. planning on being back at work on monday. gotta talk with this client, though. I'm not going to be able to pick him up at his residence any longer. it’s not a safe area. he’s not going to like this. so we have to figure out how to talk with him about this.

i’ve got to go get myself together for dinner tonight. as i say every time, i need to write more. and i need to be better about it. we’ll see. I'm not holding my breath...

ramblings

2007-09-21T10:51:00.000-05:00

the last two weeks have been an utter mess. frustrating. confusing. aggravating. feeling lost and without direction. lots of theories and hypotheses, but still no answers. we do know now, after seeing the doc yesterday, that it wasn’t an actual miscarriage. doc thinks that my hormone levels are screwy which created a false positive. so emotionally draining. she took three vials of blood to run a bunch of tests. now waiting on the results. suggested progesterone to kick start me, then clomid. clomid is scary. hubby bubby and i talked a lot about it. it increases the chances of having multiples. yikes! said if we get multiples we’re through having kids and he’s getting snipped! the multiples thing is scary. but we can’t do anything until we hear the results from the doc. so more waiting. but if we go the way of the progesterone and clomid, should be easy from there. hate this. we shouldn’t have these problems.

went to anniversary din with mom and dad last night. new place, franco. not bad. late night.

we’re all official at the ethical society. it’s a neat place. very open and friendly. got tagged to start a knitting and crochet group. didn’t mean to. but the application asked what kinds of groups we’d like to see at the es, and i wrote k&c for charity. that got turned in to “wants to start this group.” so i had several people approach me after platform last week about participating in it. so i guess that’s what I'm doing.

got the knit/crochet out at faust park this weekend. should be fun. we need more people to participate though. got a lot to do tonight for it that i’ve been putting off. bad me.

we’ve had some interesting connections lately. joined this online community that a friend told me about, and was immediately tagged bay girl i went to elementary school with, among other people. she married a guy that hubby bubby was friends with in high school. so we might get together some time. interesting.

so, hubby bubby and i celebrated 2 years last week. go us! we were supposed to go out with mom and dad that night, but dad was sick, so hubby bubby and i went out for bbq instead. yum. it’s been an amazing two years. november will be 19 years since our 1st date. wow. so much change and growth. have to acknowledge that.

and hubby bubby is starting college next month. crazy. so proud of him. it’s an online BA in graphic arts. AND he’s been looking on line at monster.com for a new job. he’s thinking about leaving the studio. that’s amazing. he’s so done there. there’s nothing there for him. the studio’s being run in to the ground and he doesn’t want to take it over anymore. don’t blame him. he’s so undervalued there. I'm surprised he put up with it for so long. i know why he did, but i know i would’ve been gone a long time ago. but I'm so happy for him.

devastation

2007-09-12T21:35:00.000-05:00

found out yesterday that we are not pregnant. think we miscarried. not exactly sure what’s going on. but i went to the doc on monday for a blood test, and they called tuesday morning to tell me that all their labs came back negative. so we tested again last night and it was negative. so confused. went back to the doc for another blood test today at their request. they said that they tested the monday labs twice. so the best we can figure out is that at some point i was pregnant, but I'm not anymore. i had to have been at some point in order for the test to get a positive, and to be on day 57. today is 57 and counting. so angry. confused. feel humiliated. but this is something that i guess happens to everyone. and better to miscarry now than six months from now. so i don’t know. we’re really upset. our families are upset for us. hubby bubby sent me flowers today. so sweet. it actually worked out that i only had one client today, early this morning, so i was home by 1130, and that’s after going to the doc. so it was a nice lazy day for me. sat on the couch most of the day catching up on tivo. watched a great movie on lifetime about teen syphilis. so i got flowers, and my dad stopped by. i know he and mom are having a hard time with this too. they were so excited about being grandparents - they didn’t think it would ever happen. we just feel so let down. after six months of trying... we’ll keep going, but i know, at least for me, it’ll be hard to be excited about the next positive test until we get some kind of doctor confirmation and past this part of it. it’s kinda like when i was fired from that place after only a day and a half without explanation, and then going to work at adapt. i was on edge for the first few days waiting for the shoe to drop. now i know that it was an anomaly and wasn’t going to happen like that again. kinda like the irrational thoughts i was having yesterday. i know they were totally irrational, but i was looking for some explanation. i irrationally thought that i jinxed us by saying “guess I'm not pregnant anymore” when the digital read on the pregnancy test went out monday night. i know that’s stupid, but i was so angry and trying to figure it out. or maybe we jinxed it by telling everyone immediately. another irrational thought. I'm getting all “therapist-y” on myself here. hubby’s trying to be strong for me, but i know that he’s devastated too. and i know that shocks him to the core. he didn’t think he’d ever want kids. and i know that he’s shocked at how much he’s wanted to have one the last few months. how much we both want this. so we know that it’ll happen. we hope that it’ll happen. now we just have the daunting task of telling everyone we’ve already told that we’re not pregnant this go around.

this sucks

yesterday...

2007-09-10T21:47:00.001-05:00

we found out that we're pregnant! Omg! So excited. Still trying to figure out if it's real. Hubby and i have been flipping out.

We tested when we got back from oregon. I think we were at or around day 40 by then. But it was negative. Tested again a few days later, before we left for nashville. Still negative. Called the dr. They said to wait a week, and then test again if i didn't start. So we went to nashville (more on that later), got back and tested last wednesday. Still negative. Called the dr AGAIN. Made an appt to go in later in the month. They were talking about fertility drugs and testing my levels, etc. All that fun stuff. So yesterday i was thinking about it. Wasn't showing any signs of starting. Had some mild cramping in oregon, and very little in nashville. There was one test left in the box, and i thought "what the hell." i've been splurging on the digital tests since i can't make heads or tails out of the "analog" ones for the life of me! So the digital ones read "pregnant" or "not pregnant." very simple for me to follow. I've gotten so used to seeing the ones that read "not pregnant" that i had to do a double take. Hubby was home in his office, so i took the test in to him. He wass floored. We were both speechless. A lot of "oh my godding." a lot of happy crying. We called his mom first (she lives in maine, and we were going to be leaving to see my parents right after). She cried too. My parents... Are very excited. We went in to my parent's kitchen, and my mom was at the table. Dad came in and asked hubby about his test (another back story that i will explain later). Hubby was standing behind me with his arms around me and his head on my shoulder. He was confused bcs he thought they were talking about MY test already. So i said "different test." mom and dad looked confused, and i just blurted out with it. Couldn't finess my way through it. They're thrilled. Mom cried, then promptly ordered a margarita at the mexican restaurant! She told me today that she thinks that instead of being called "grandma" she'd liked to be called "queen." i told her we'd think about it. Crazy.

So that's my story about that. I'M PREGNANT. Yea!!!!

Now for the back stories...

Hubby decided a few weeks ago that he'd like to get a college degree. He currently has only a high school diploma. He's talked about this on and off for a few years. Refuses to call to a "brick and mortar" school though. He found an on-line degree program in graphic design - the art institute of pittsburgh. It's supposedly pretty prestigious. So he applied, was accepted, enrolled. Had to take a placement test yesterday for math and english (the aforementioned test). He passed. Classes start in october.

Nashville was very cool. A whole town devoted to country music? Sign me up! We went to the grand ole opry. Very fun. Toured the hermitage and belle meade plantations. Bought me a digital camera. Welcome to the 21st century. So there will be pictures from time to time. What else did we do in nashville? Got aggravated with hotel staff. The hotel listing on-line was vague about the shuttle servive, but noted that they offered free shuttle service to the airport, opry & downtown area. Well, they failed to mention that the airport service is only on the hour, and that the opry is only once every four hours. There was a whole bruhaha about the opry shuttle since we had tickets. It got worked out. But we were not happy campers. Oh - we went to the country music hall of fame and the old rca studio b. Very cool. Played glow-in-the-dark mini golf. Went on a ghost tour of the city. Took a horse and carriage ride through the downtown area. Went to ernest tubbs record co, a place that has only country and bluegrass. Nice.

What other stories can i tell today? I should be working on my notes for work. Didn't plan on writing for an hour while waiting for a client to be out of her doctor's appt. Hee hee. No yarn for me today. Wanted to do some of the journaling instead. Get ready for baby journaling!

road trippin' across the oregon coast

2007-08-22T17:58:00.000-05:00

been all over the past two days. Yesterday, we went in to coos bay, charleston, north bend, and coquille. Neat little towns. North bend is the only one bigger than bandon. But charleston has a yarn store. Ooh - i broke down and bought one of those colinette afghan kits. It's amazing what one can justify expending while on vacation. I couldn't resist - the yarns are so beautiful. I bought the "rustic" colorway - thought it would go well on our couch at home, all greens, golds, reds and browns. So exited. Anyway. I digress.

we drove off the beaten path of all these little 30-second towns, and found some real charm. Hubby's grandfather grew up in coquille, so we drove around to find the high school, hoping we would be able to go in and maybe find some memorabilia or yearbooks. But there wasn't anyone there except for the practicing football team. Oh well. We wondered in to some "treasure" stores, and spent some time in a used book store. I found some great old pattern books and leaflets.

also, in coos bay, we found what thought was an adorable little park. Mingus park looked a little like oak knoll park from the street. There was a pretty man-made lake with a lot of ducks. A nice-sized playground with REAL swings. We decided to walk the path around the lake. We were very surprised to find that the park was the mouth of a gorgeous forest of walking paths. So we spent an hour wandering through parts of it, finding an asian-themed garden with a bridge and pagoda, beautiful flower beds, and lots and lots of trees. Which, after all, is the majority population of oregon!

Today we drove south on 101, and headed out to langlois and port orford. half way there we decided to take a detour to cape bianco. Hubby likes to look at lighthouses. Another beautiful view from the landing. We actually got to go up in the lighthouse, and learn about its history. The history was interesting, but not so much my thing, but the view was spectacular. Nothing but blue sky and white-crested waves to see. How horrible is that? Then we went to the hughes house, which is the house that the lighthouse keepers lived in way back when (yes, if i'd been paying attention, i'd be able to list the exact date). The house was a 7-bedroom/1-bath victorian, with its very own chapel room. Interesting to see, but none of the furniture or decor was authentic. Oh well. Off to port orford.

We walked along the beach at port orford, which is much smaller than our bandon beach (and a lot smellier). But the weather was lovely, even down by the water. We thought about going out to gold beach, near the oregon/california border (only about 30 minutes from where we were in port orford), but there was some road construction, and we decided to turn back. But we were driving along the highway which overlooked the ocean - absolulely amazing.

We're home now. Late afternoon, just hanging out. Last time we came to bandon, we stayed in bandon, didn't do much of anything (do we blame that on the rain? Or on our own laziness?). This time we're trying to take little day trips and see and do stuff.

My kool-aid dyed yarn is hanging outside to dry now. I accidently felted some of it while trying to make it dry faster. Oops. Oh well. It's not ruined - just a little thicker than it was before. Valuable lesson in patience there. I was concerned that it wasn't drying due to the moisture in t he house. It wasn't drying because it's wool and takes a long time to dry. Lesson learned. Am hoping to take it up to the yarn store when it dries to wind up.

okay. Off to sit and do nothing. Or sit and knit. Would love to get my round rainbow ripple shawl done while we're here. Not sure if that'll happen or not, but worth a shot. Off i go...

what a colorful world

2007-08-20T17:57:00.000-05:00

so we're here in bandon, oregon, hubby bubby and i. Absolutely gorgeous out here. Came out on the 18th, and here until the 26th. So absolutely love this place. Virtually nothing to do. We took a long walk on the beach this morning. Hubby got lots of great pix. I actually climbed up on a couple rocks. Did some exploring. Saw lots of starfish and jellyfish. Picked up some cool rocks. Oh - yesterday we went to the Safari, this huge petting zoo right outside of town. I made friends with some goats, deer and rams. Saw some beautiful un-sheared yarn (aka: sheep). Pet a baby black bear. Saw tiger cubs snoozing. Almost got spit at by a llama. All in a day's work. Also had my first taste of fish and chips. Don't know why i've never had them before. Just relaxing. The view from this house is so amazing. I could just sit and watch the waves crash into the beach all day. The weather is beautiful - mid-60s/70s. Such a nice relief from the melt-your-face-off 100s of stl before we left. It's a completely different world out here. We keep talking about moving out here. But don't know that it'll ever happen. Now we're thinking maybe portland. It's a (much) bigger city with more opportunities. Only six hours from bandon. We'll see. Wouldn't happen for a few years yet. We were looking at real estate costs in bandon, and it's ridiculous. Anything that we would even remotely consider is way out of our price range. So portland may be the better option.

Went to the lys today. Yes, they actually have one here. Was very excited to see that it was still in business from the last time we were here. Wasn't sure if it would be or not. So we went in there after lunch. They have a very nice selection, and fair prices. Saw a couple books that i've never seen before, so might go back over there later in the week. My wonderful hubby bubby is so good about sitting an waiting on me while i oogle yarn. He got to play with the shop dogs (baby chihuahuas) while i looked around. I went in with a specific purpose in mind: inexpensive white wool for hand dying. A while back, think when i went to the knit out in minneapolis (feb 16-18, 07), i got a hand-out on how to dye yarn using kool-aid. I've never had time to really try it. But out in bandon, there's nothing but time. So i brought it with me, and just finished dying my first hank of yarn! I bought two hanks of white cascade 220. Omg - this is so much fun. I bought five packets of kool-aid at the store yesterday (cherry, lemonade, lime, blue raspberry, and grape)just to start with. Plus, i couldn't decide on a starter color combo! And of course when it came time to decide today, i couldn't. Asked hubby bubby what he thought, and he says "i like all of them." so i have rainbow/tie-dyed yarn. So far it looks pretty cool. And soooo easy. Now hubby says all i ever need to buy again is white yarn! Hmmm.... Knitpicks sells different weights of white wool specifically for dying. They also have actual dyes, as do other places, but if the kool-aid is working... And there are so many different things to do with kool-aid. So this is so simple. My first dyed hank is cooling right now. I've got the second hank in the pre-soak bath. Just about ready to dye. Already planning on buying more yarn and kool-aid!

and i think to myself, what a colorful world....

ghost

2007-08-09T21:07:00.001-05:00

just when i think that things are okay, BOOM! comes out of nowhere. i know I'm over-exaggerating. but I'm upset, and I'm allowed. hubby bubby and i talked about our earlier conversation, and worked through it. but when he came home and told me that they didn’t talk about the gift amount, it made me angry. then, while moving his bday presents from his dad off the dining room table so we could play backgammon, i saw the bday card from his dad. just made me sad. made me feel really small and insignificant since i’ve become invisible since this whole thing began. no bday cards, my grad school graduation was ignored, and last xmas i didn’t exist. serious. there was nothing for me. and of course we couldn’t have xmas with his family like we used to do. but it was a huge slap in the face to be ignored. just hit me again tonight. now I'm all sad and melancholy. gotta snap out of it.

birthday blues

2007-08-09T15:19:00.000-05:00

so yesterday was hubby bubby’s bday. it was a bust. ended up badly. this thing with his dad has just gotten out of control. it’s been well over a year and nothing’s changed. every time we make an overture at amends, it gets rebuffed. it sucks. it sucks more for hubby bubby. we tried at xmas to rebuild the relationship, we tried at father’s day. nothing. nada. zip. his dad doesn’t want things to change. then, his dad asked him about his bday plans, and wanted to have din with him last night. hubby said that he was having din with me. talk about putting hubby in a bad spot. let’s see... please choose between your father and your wife. that sucks. he chose me. but then... my parents called and asked what we were doing, and if they could take us out. hubby bubby said sure, and named the place. great dinner, everything good. then guess who walks in? oh it was horrible. so fake. bcs of course he brought the witch with him. then his dad had his feelings hurt. and hubby and i got in to it bcs feelings are still hurt. and he’s going out to din with his dad tonight, and i am not included in those plans. it’s ridiculously stupid. family events are strained. we don’t know what else to do. we keep extending the olive branch, and he keeps chopping it away. so hubby and i kinda got in to it last night. he’s angry. i'm angry. no bday sex was had. enough said?

then we were talking earlier this afternoon about his dinner with his dad tonight. i think my feelings are hurt that he’s not fighting harder for me. i was not invited to this dinner, but hubby didn’t say anything to his dad about me joining them, or checking with his wife about it. he just took it for a given that i was not invited. AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

i feel bad for hubby. this has not been easy on him. not been easy on us as a couple. he just feels so powerless. meanwhile, we’re selling our rental property to his dad. hubby has this laisez faire attitude about it. meanwhile, since I'm the one who handles all our money and financial stuff, I'm pushing for details. hubby’s just like, it’ll get done whenever and for whatever amount... huh? this has been in the works for six months now. it was supposed to be done at the end of may. we’ve been losing money on it ever since. his dad’s been taking his sweet time on it. it’s finally done. should be by tomorrow. but after the sale of the house is final, his dad will be gifting us money to cover the rest of the house cost (the official sale price is a lesser amount to avoid pesky sales and personal property taxes). but the kicker is, we don’t know what the gifted amount will be. i think this is important information to have. hubby just says that we’ll know when we see it. uh, no. doesn’t work for me. i guess they’re gonna talk about it tonight at dinner. hopefully things will be better after that.

oh, i’d rather be knititng...

when the lights go out

2007-08-08T21:35:00.000-05:00

good movies i’ve seen this summer in the theater...

- harry potter and the order of the phoenix (speaks for itself)

- knocked up (absolutely hilarious, could not stop laughing, almost [almost] made us rethink the mini)

- i now pronounce you chuck & larry (almost as funny as "knocked up")

- ocean’s 13 (better than 12, almost as good as 11)

- the simpson’s movie (spider-pig, spider-pig, does whatever a spider-pig does, can he swing from a web?, no he can’t cause he’s a pig, look out!, here comes the spider-pig... need i say more?)

- bourne ultimatum (omg! so good)

- hot rod (almost as funny as “anchorman” and “talledega nights”)

time wasted

2007-08-07T20:32:00.000-05:00

so aggravated with time lately. There's either not enough of it, or on rare occasions, too much of it. Having trouble finding that balance. I think my trouble lies in the patience of time. So maybe i'm not really aggravated with tiem, but with my lack of patience. Know that that i'm absolutely aggravated at my lack of patience, which, of course, just makes me more aggravated. I've noticed over the last few weeks i've had less and less patience for people who waste my time. It's not that i feel like my time is more valuable than any one else's. I just feel a generqal loss of respect from people in terms of wasting time. Mostly it comes from my clients. I've had several clients as of late who have shown a blatent disregard for our time together, which i feel is disrespectful to me personally. This morning i waited 45 minutes for a client to be ready to go. I was there on time. He wasn't ready, and took his sweet time. It wasn't a personal attack towards me, but i was angry. Yesterday, a client was in her pjs eating breakfast (at noon) when i arrived, and it as almost two hours later that we were finally able to leave. Yes, i was angry. But the thing is, i can still bill for that time, and it ended up as a consequence for both clients later on in the appointment since there was not enough time to do what they wanted to do due to their tardiness. This gets me. I feel like i bust my ass to get where i'm supposed to be on time, and i have very little patience for people who are consistently running late. I feel that it's rude and disrespectful. And i've just hadd a lot of it lately. Then i have to remember that my clients have a mental illness that might prevent them from being on time, blah blah blah. It's a huge balance between what i can toleerate perrsonally, and what i can tolerate professionally. Sometimes it's hard for me to diferentiate between the two, especially when it comes down to time.

I just don't feel like i have enough of it lately. There are so many things that i'd like to be doing, but there are not enough hours in the day. I want to write more. I want to knit and crochet more. I want to spend more time with my husband. i want to do my work paperwork better. i want i want i want

the mini

2007-04-24T21:18:00.000-05:00

so the conversation and chaos started after i got back from minneapolis (the knitting convention is a whole other story. Remind me later to tell about it). Hubby bubby and i were at hacienda having dinner on 3/19. There was a cute little girl about 10 months old with her family - duh, with her family, not there on her own! Anyway. I told hubby bubby that "i want one of those." and he said, "you know what? So do i." what? so yeah. Wow. This is the guy who said he never wanted to get married, never wanted to have kids. He obviously changed in mind about getting married. Now he's changed his mind about having kids. This is huge.

so for two days that's all we talked about. All the different aspects of having kids. Money. Schools. Religion. Etc... It was crazy. And we talked about waiting until the end of the summer to start trying. Give us a little time to get used to it all. Get money in order. All of that good stuff. I called my obgyn to find out about getting off the pill, and what would happen with that. Was told that they suggest stopping the pill about three months before we want to get started on the trying part. Also said that it's possible to become pregnant before those three months are up. So that part was taken care of. Also checked out my agency's maternity leave policy. Always good to know. Looked in to short term disability benefits as well. By wednesday we were talked out. We said we either have to shit or get off the pot. We either have to start trying immediately, or quit talking about it. Told hubby bubby it was u p to him. He chose to start trying. Oh boy!

So we went to borders and bought pregnancy mags and a couple books, one of names. Hubby bubby bought a book for expectant fathers. So cute.

Then the trying and the waiting began. The trying part's fun. The waiting part, not so much. My body was going nuts, trying to figure it all out without the synthetic hormones. Did lots of ovulation tests. I'm learning more about hormones than i ever wanted to know. I mean, really, it was so easy for those girls in high school!!!! And my 19yo step-cousin is pregnant. Told hubby bubby maybe we should get drunk - that seemed to work for the hs and college girls. He didn't like that idea too much ☺

so this was all in the last 48 days. Been frantically following my cycle on a little on-line calendar. really thought that we were pregnant for a while. My boobs hurt sooooo bad. Never felt that before. And i was nauseous for about two weeks. So on day 36 when nothing was happening either way, i called the obgyn. Told me to wait another week, and if nothing was happening, to call again. So i called on day 46, and they had me come in for a blood test yesterday. Then wouldn't you know it, i start spotting today. Knew that would happen. Just got the call a little bit ago that the blood test was negative, and the dr wants to see me. So i'm going to go in next week.

this has been the absolute longest month of my life. Ever. Between march 2nd and today.... Wow. Really don't want to keep going through this, though i know i don't have much choice if we want to get pregnant and have littles.

the as of yet conceived child is alternatively referred to as "the mini" or "a little." i like calling it a "mini."

we already have names picked out. Isn't that silly. But we knew that would be the hardest part for us. I have modern names, hubby likes traditional. So we've settled on somewhere in between.

so i'm typing this up while at starbucks, waiting for a client who doesn't seem to want to show. I'll give her a few more minutes. This frustrates me. Not just the loss of units (billable time at work), but the waiting, and the inconsistency of this client. Oh well. Had my hot chocolate, got some work done.

blah blah

2007-02-13T14:06:00.000-06:00

i know i was planning on writing more. i have good intentions. just busy. been on the couch since friday following ankle surgery. painful. got the bandages taken off today; the stitches come out next week. dr. says it’s healing nicely. i’ve been bored. watching stupid stuff on the tiro. cuddling with the kitties. hubby bubby’s been wonderful. taking such good care of me. i feel so bad that he’s waiting on me hand and foot. I'm going to minneapolis this weekend for a knit-out event. I'm going with a girlfriend, so it should be interesting. not planning on doing a lot of shopping. i’ll just find somewhere to sit and be happy. now to choose a project to bring... thinking of making a mohair shawl. been working off and on a blanket and lace shawl. but i need to bring something that doesn’t require a lot of attention or concentration.work is good. it was crazy there for a while. i got the highest unit average last month. not much else is going on there. just busy. i’ve got one client who is in the process of transitioning from female to male. that’s somewhat exciting. it’s been an interesting process, and I'm glad that i get to be a part of it.valentine’s day... we’re not doing much. think we’re going to red lobster and then to kayak’s to make smores. it’s the coolest thing that kayak’s has. you can make smores over a fondue-like flame. this was all hubby bubby’s idea. we were also looking at amethyst heart rings the last time we were at the mall. he’s so cute.

it's a gas

2006-12-03T03:11:00.000-06:00

yeah, i know... it’s been a while. so be it. things have been crazy. november was just a sucky month. yes, we celebrated 2 anniversaries (4 years & 18 years), but it otherwise just sucked. finances have been extremely tight - worse than i’ve ever had - and it’s put such a strain on us. so in the immortal words of pink floyd...

money, it’s a gas

don’t know where to begin. started out okay. then we lost it. we were in the hole. got out of the hole in the middle of the month, and were fine. then this jackass who we paid in july for doing some work on our rental house, finally cashed the check. scared the hell out of me when i saw it come through the account. what the hell. anyway. that killed us for another two weeks. that was right after we got paid in the middle of the month. so now we’re just getting back on track. but in my mind, we’re still behind. I'm angry and I'm scared and i’ve never had to live like this. well, once, a long time ago, but that was in a galaxy far far away that we don’t ever talk about. so i flip out, then hubby bubby flips out bcs my flipping out scares him.

it’s so different, him and i on money. he’s used to going without and having utilities turned off. i didn’t have that as a child. then we’re questioning if we should find a smaller house, something less expensive. i don’t know. if this keeps happening, then yes. but we were fine before.

i think it’s my damned student loan payments. they’re ridiculous. I'm a social worker. we don’t make the kind of money graduate school costs us to become social workers. it’s a horrible catch-22. so i don’t know. I'm going to try to consolidate my student loans down even further and see if that helps. but in order to do that, i have to call between 8 & 5, monday through friday. uhm, i work during those hours. well, most of the time. i’ll have a couple hours this monday to make a call.

that’s the thing i do love about my job. we’re only supposed to work 37.5 hours a week (830-5). but when you actually look at it... it’s a lot less. usually. if i only count face to face time with clients it’s a lot less. like last week i only “worked” 24.5 hours. that doesn’t include drive time. hmmm... haven’t really thought about it like that. the other hours are drive time and paperwork time. i also did an assessment interview that i can’t count as face to face time. so i guess it works out. if i look at it salary-wise, it definitely looks a lot better. makes me feel a little better. so i can kind of balance the days i get home at 5 or 530 against the days i come home at 2. my supervisor has said that she doesn’t care if we’re out working all day as long as we meet our expected average at the end of the month. so that’s nice. makes me feel better about my horrible salary. at least i have a salary. let’s not give it a kinahara.

been trying to find an on-line typing service to work through. but all i’ve come up with are scams. and sites that you have to pay money for their “secrets.” uh, no thanks. just want to do some transcription work, or type reports, research papers, that kind of thing. just need to find people who have that type of thing. just want some extra money. thought about getting a part time job, but when would i do that? and if i did, when would i see my husband? or have time to myself? I'm too wiped out after working all day to work on week nights. and on the weekends I'm usually doing paperwork or babysitting. or sleeping. so i don’t know. that’s why i thought if i could find something from home. we’ll see.

so we just have to be better about spending and saving. we already killed the digital cable. sigh. I'm gonna miss the original programming, but other than that... we weren’t watching any movies on hbo or showtime or anything. just “weeds” and “the l word.” we can still watch those at my parent’s house. or they’ll tape them and hubby bubby will put them on dvd. oh - but was i yelling at the cable co early last month. it seems that they never received our payment for last month’s bill, and it never went through our bank account. so i had to put a stop payment on the check ($32 to do that), and write another check. but in the mean time, i was screaming at india about not penalizing me for the mail not getting to them. they turned off our digital box. they refused to read the notes from previous conversations. and they refused to do anything to help us even though they could see on our account that this was the first time it had ever happened, and that all previous bills were paid in full and on time. cock suckers. i can’t remember the last time i yelled at anyone the way i did india. it was bad. unfortunately there’s only one cable company in town, and they rake you over the coals for their services.

so yeah. it was a bad month.

but it’ll get better. it has to.

been working on holiday presents. everyone’s getting yarn for the holidays. i’ve been being very creative with the crochet crazy stitch. i’ve made a full size afghan, a shawl, and a lapghan. and they keep on coming. been using stuff out of my stash - very proud of that. getting rid of all my homespun. things are coming along.

i’ve been in a lot of pain lately. off the celebrex - that wasn’t working. last week the doc had me on prednisone. but that didn’t work. been in screaming intolerable pain the last two days. but i can’t afford to keep trying stuff. not at $50 a pop. plus the $30 office visit. so i guess i’ll have to suffer through. i did get prayed for the other day. one of my clients knows that i have this arthritis and prayed that i’d find something that works. very sweet. unfortunately, i don’t think it works that way. almost wish it did. but that’s why I'm up at 340 in the morning. too much pain to sleep. too much on my mind, too, i guess.

I'm gonna try to sleep. otherwise i’ll be useless tomorrow. i’ve got paperwork. go figure. and grocery shopping. and bill paying. and car cleaning out. and i will be better about writing. i need to do that every day. it does help me. it’s just so easy not to. i’ll do it. i’ll do it. even a few minutes a day to decompress from everything. stick a fork in me, I'm done. end script.

monday

2006-09-18T19:38:00.000-05:00

what a difference a few hours makes. after i ranted the other night, things changed. we both sulked for a little while, but then talked it all out. i don’t know why i always jump to the worst, but i know that nothing will ever change with us. we’re good. we’re always good.

our anniversary was wonderful. started celebrating thursday night by having dinner with sal at modesto - yummy tapas. then on friday, our 1st wedding anni, we had dinner at trattoria marsala. mom and dad surprised us by calling in payment for dinner. got cards from family with money and gift cards. we always thought that the 1st wedding anni was paper, but apparently in our family, it’s food. sal gave us a gift card to cheesecake factory - sooo yum. m&d paid for our anni dinner. hubby bubby’s dad even gave us gift certificates to the melting pot, and cash (huge surprise).

so anyway. it was a nice anni and a nice anni wknd.

today is monday. i hate mondays. was in a car accident this morning. had a client in the car. me and another car backed in to each other. a witness said it was my fault. i dunno. could swear that i looked before moving. it just happened. the other car had no damage. mine’s a little worn. the plastic covering the rear tail light got busted out. there’s a small crater in the door of the hatch. it’s not pretty. but hopefully it’ll get fixed on wednesday. for a minimal cost. yikes!

anyway. that was my day. sorta. the morning anyway. the afternoon was spent with a client who’s a bit on the zealous side. so well. gonna fold laundry. fun. later.

the scream

2006-09-13T21:06:00.000-05:00

so two days before our first wedding anniversary it’s been decided that things have gone to shit. lovely, actually. apparently, my husband doesn’t want to kiss me, touch me, and it’s my fault. uh, duh. we’ve gotten into this routine, sucks as it does. he comes home from work, gives me a few chaste obligatory kisses, then we sit down to the dinner that i’ve cooked for us. after that, he does the dishes (willingly, i might add) and then we sit on the couch and watch tv. then i get into bed around 930 or 10, read a little, then fall asleep, usually by 1030, if not before. i get up for work around 7, sometimes earlier; he doesn’t get up until 830 or 9. by 8p I'm exhausted and half falling asleep. and he says it’s my choice that we do nothing but watch tv, and sometimes he sits with me. he doesn’t want to watch tv. then why doesn’t he ever fucking say anything? and he has never once asked me to put my book down while in bed. so how am i supposed to know if he wants to do anything except read? by that time at night, sometimes, there’s nothing else i really want to do. i don’t work at cushy 10-6 like he does. i work 830-5, and the lines are extremely blurry. if a client schedules an appointment for 8a, that means i have to pick them up by 730a at the latest, which means i have to be out the door by 7a at the latest, which means that i have to get my butt out of bed by 615a at the latest. so what can i do about that? and he wonders why I'm in bed so early. bcs I'm freaking exhausted from running around all day. I'm from one end of the city to another and back all day. so yes, after I'm working all day, and come home and make dinner FROM SCRATCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, pretty much all i want to do is vege on the couch. i’ve got no mind for playing backgammon or cards. I'm a mess by that time. and he doesn’t want to do anything to change the way things are. i would love for things to change. i hate this. but he makes absolutely no overtures whatsoever. he says, it’s not up to me to tell you to put your book down or turn off the tv. uhm, yeah. if you want me to, dammit, just say something. then don’t get pissed at me when i say something about it. I'm not a friggin mind reader. and I'm not a beggar, either. i hate this. i hate not talking. we’ve always been able to talk about everything. why not now? wounded pride? my ass. i tried talking about it earlier tonight, but he doesn’t want to do anything to get things to change. i can’t change being exhausted, but i can change how i channel it. we just don’t talk anymore. we talk about our days over dinner, but he’s been listening less and less and interrupting more, and I'm too tired to fight about it. we don’t talk about much else. doesn’t seem like much to say. we talked circles when we went to kansas city for labor day wknd. we talked about stuff we hadn’t talked about in a while. we talked about the logistics of having kids. he said he’s finally warming to it. if we weren’t in debt up to our eyeballs from the new house and student loans... anyway. we come home, and nada. nothing. zip. sucks. i don’t know what to do now. like i said, two days away from our first wedding anni. I'm tired, he’s tired. just doesn’t seem right. seems ironic. every couple goes through this, right? we’ve been together forever and haven’t gone through this. yes, we broke up many times as kids. but this is different. we’re adults. at least i thought we were.

i don't like mondays...

2006-08-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

...gonna shoot the whole day down (boomtown rats)as a general rule, monday’s suck. this one wasn’t too too bad. just long and boring. had a training all day on non-violent self defense. always fun. but it was done at 230, which was nice. my eyes have been weird the past week. it’s like my glasses aren’t working any more. kinda sucks. saw the eye doc back in june; they didn’t want to change the Rx. but now, i don’t know. seems like it’s always cloudy. should probably make another appt. especially since I'm typing in a size 20 font. maybe it’s the font. but i dunno.tomorrow’s hubby bubby's bday. 31. we’re going to brio for dinner - same place we went for my bday. we like it. that’s where he wanted to go. there was a huge misunderstanding with his brother yesterday about it. his brother thought it was a whole family thing, and started making plans to join us. hubby bubby didn’t correct him. hopefully, brother bear won’t show up. hubby bubby just wanted it to be us. realized this afternoon that i hadn’t gotten him any bday cards yet. we outlawed gifts a while ago. mainly bcs we both buy what we want when we can, so it’s hard to shop for the other. and since we just bought a new house... no holiday, bday, or anniversary presents - just cards. but i forgot. so i ran out to the store this afternoon. felt like the worst wife ever to forget to buy bday cards for my hubby. found some cute ones.had the worst dream last night. a couple of them. first was that hubby bubby’s dad got married to that witch, and we had to find out from a reality show. no one in the family was invited to attend. just happened to find out while watching tv. freaky. then, there was the one where i called hubby bubby to ask if i could come home. didn’t like that one. it was a whole bunch of yucky stuff. woke up feeling miserable. hate that part. when the dream seems so real. woke up thinking that hubby bubby hated me. ouch.got done playing mahj jong a bit ago. had everyone over to my house. the cats tried to help. luckily, they were being cute. love the new house. there’s a place for everything to go. so the house was actually clean. and it’s easier to keep clean. plus, hubby bubby VACUUMED yesterday. my parents bought us a vacuum as a housewarming gift, since we didn’t have carpet in the old house. lord knows that i don’t vacuum, so hubby bubby did it. what a good guy. so the house looked nice. got a long day at work tomorrow. hope it goes well. am generally liking work. still in the “probationary” period. hate that. do other people get paranoid that they’re going to be fired during this time? i don’t know. but i feel like I'm always waiting. like the tiniest mistake will be the end. paranoia will destroy ya. rock out.off to bed. too tired for even the maddest ramblings right now. will try again tomorrow. or the next day. no promises.

4 days

2006-07-03T15:09:00.000-05:00

4 days!!!! today is monday. we move on friday. it'll all be done in 4 days. thank G-d!!!! there are not enough exclamation points in existence to describe how happy i am about this. think we got everything taken care of. all the utilities, etc. new washer/dryer are coming the day after. the new fridge will be there shortly after. it's almost over. we've gotten through it. hubby bubby and i are doing well. we've stopped snapping at each other. that was a bad week. but we're all good. none of this has been about us.

anyway. supposed to be working today, but there were client issues - like one didn't bathe (long story), and another's in the hospital. so i've been on the phone, but otherwise, not working. had lunch with hubby bubby at bread co. really feel like i need a nap. didn't sleep well last night. not sure why. just didn't.

really pissed at our banker who's been handling all the mortgage stuff for the houses. he trashed me in an email to one of his coworkers, then had the audacity to forward the email with his nasty comments in it to me. i was livid. very politely told him off. then had to call him a few moments later to ask him a question, and he completely back-peddled. pissed me off even more. just have to get through the next couple days with him. only problem is, his wife works with hubby bubby and they live across the street from my parents. yikes!

it's just been a whirlwind of activity around here. spent the weekend packing. still pissed about the situation with pop and witchy. nothing's changed. he still pretends that i don't exist. did i mention that he told hubby bubby that he doesn't consider me family? that witchy is more family than i'll ever be? i can't even begin to deal with that. got brought up again yesterday bcs hubby bubby pointed out pop's car in a restaurant parking lot while we were driving around. just brought back all those feelings.

it makes me so angry, not only bcs of how pop feels about me, but bcs of how it's affecting hubby bubby. we've got all these great things going on right now, and we can't share them with pop. he doesn't want to be a part of it. which i know is not our fault; he's making these choices for himself. but it sucks. and it makes me sad. but there's nothing we can do about it. just have to let it ride its course.

really feel like i should be doing something. hubby bubby's clearing out the basement. i'm camped on the couch watching a chick flick. so decadent!

books

2006-06-21T19:06:00.000-05:00

current top 5 list...

* undomestic goddess...sophie kinsella

* the devil wears prada...lauren weisberger

* twelve sharp...janet evanovich

* swapping lives...jane green

* pink slip party...cara lockwood

i love being done with graduate school!!!!

house

2006-06-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

i am sooooo sick of all the house stuff! i just want it to be over. neither hubby bubby or i will be happy until we're all moved in. he's more upset about it all than i am. he's worried about financing and all that. i am too, no doubt, but there's only so much worrying i can do. as far as we know we're good to go. met with our agent tonight to go over the inspection report. all looks good. we're going to ask for the seller to fix a few things, but they're not deal breakers. it's all stuff we could do ourselves. would definitely rather that the seller do it though. we've got a buyer for our current house. hubby bubby wants to sell to our electric guy who is willing to pay the same amount as another buyer. actually, hubby bubby told our electric guy that he'd cut $1000 off the other buyer's price. i'm not thrilled with that. i'd rather sell to the other guy. but it's not worth the argument. as long as we get out of this house!!!!

things at work are going well. just getting used to all the flexibility this job offers. my supervisor told me yesterday that if i have an appointment scheduled for 930 or 10 am, something like that, i don't need to come in to the office first. and, if i have something scheduled for 2 or 3, to just call it a day after that. i've never had a job like this. never had a job where i didn't have to start and end my day at the office. my office is essentially my car. which is kinda nice. plus, i can write progress notes and other docs at home. makes it easy.

so tired. even though it's early, think i need to get to bed. by the end of the day i'm just wiped out. i was only able to work 2 rows of the baby blanket, i was so exhausted. it's like the needles weighed 10 pounds each. so sad :(

bubbles

2006-06-10T15:40:00.000-05:00

found this among some old docs...

BUBBLES (10/1/00)

Blowing bubbles at dusk
The crescent moon glows
Airplanes flash their lights overhead
The sound of speed from the highway
Fireflies flicker
Crickets sing the day to sleep
Gentle breezes hit my cheek
Headlights decide which way to turn
Trees dance slowly
The sky cascades in blues and oranges
City noises fill the air
The sweet scent of bubble potion remains on my hands
Porch lights go on
Night has risen

withdrawl

2006-06-10T15:38:00.000-05:00

what a week! i didn't get to play with my yarn at all. bought some pattern mags the other night, but that's the closest i've come. just feeling crazed. i've got my crochet group tomorrow afternoon. i'm supposed to teach the group how to do hairpin lace. trying to remember how to do that myself! i was working on some new things - a knit afghan (using caron simply soft in a pastel palette), a crocheted baby blanket for my expecting friend (in a velour and worsted combo - pink pink pink), and a knit lace shawl (really yummy variegated green lace/sock yarn). it's been fun playing with all the different textures of yarn, and knowing that i can switch it up when i'm bored with one project. i know i have problems finishing things, which always sucks. my w*i*p-s hath runneth over. it's not that i like one project better than another. it's just that i get bored easily. i like to try new patterns, then once i get a hang of them i'm ready to move on. i just found in a bag on the couch with a diamond patterned knit afghan that i started a few months ago. also bcs i liked the pattern. wish i could just finish stuff up. i know that hubby bubby wishes the same thing. the ratio of projects started to completed is something silly like 20:1. hee hee.

i've thought about my yarn and patterns a million times over the week. but given all the craziness... by the time i would finally sit down in the evening, i was wiped out. making my brain and hands function properly was just not in the cards. i was able to drool over a mary maxim catalog with no problem. but have been so focused on other stuff that my brain was refusing to concentrate. having enough trouble typing, let alone operating heavy machinery!!!

i'm babysitting tonight and am planning on bringing a yarn project with me. something that will help me relax. something without heavy instructions that i can just go at.

tomorrow's gonna be nuts, so i know i need to relax a little so it'll all just happen. we have the housing inspection on the new house at 10, then a late brunch with the parents. crochet group at 2. babysitting at 415. yikes!!! had another guy come look at our (current) house today to buy. he's made the highest offer yet. this house needs *a lot* of love, so i know we can't ask for too much. but we'd still like to get something out of it. we think we have one more guy coming to look, then we'll make a decision by tuesday. no reason not to go with the high end guy. we're selling "as is" so we don't have too many options.

good news: the claims adjuster called yesterday to tell me that they're finding the offending driver 100% at fault. hooray! apparently, the offending driver (i've softened just a little) lied to the adjuster. but realistically, according to the adjuster, there was no question about who's fault it was. ob-la-di ob-la-da....

crash bang

2006-06-07T17:54:00.000-05:00

everyone says that's what you hear when you're in a car accident, but really, it's not.

you hear your heart start pounding an incredible bass line. almost makes you want to dance, but not quite. you hear your blood start boiling with anger at the idiot who wasn't paying attention. you hear the sound of your hard-earned money *cha-ching* falling out of your bank account and hitting the floor of the insurance company. you hear the tilting laugh of the insurance company as they raise your insurance rates. you hear yourself thinking - well, there goes everything else i had planned for this afternoon. you hear the cars honking around you, telling you - as if you didn't already know - that you're blocking traffic. you hear people driving by, tsk-tsk-ing at the accident site, wondering what happened.

so you pull over and try to assess the damage to both car and body. body - everything's in tact. vision's a little fuzzy. oh wait - where are my glasses? there they are - on the passenger-side floorboard. headache's beginning to form from the impact. neck's moving. remember to breathe. get out. check the car. try to not cry when the hood is dented and tented. the front license plate looks like a "v" and the bumper does too. the bumper is barely hanging on by a thread, and you can see the inside of the bumper - the metal part - and that looks like it's gonna fall off too. did you know that there was something that looks like styrofoam core inside the bumper? and uhm, why didn't the airbag deploy?

try not to scream when you see that the offending car barely has a scratch on it. smirk just a little bit when you notice that the driver's side light has fallen out. watch the offending driver get out of her car, shaking her head at your - like it's your fault that she plowed almost head-first into you. didn't you know that? it's also your fault that the city created two-way turn lanes.

so you call the cops. call your husband. call the insurance agent. exchange information with the offending driver, who will now be affectionately known as "the bitch who smashed my car." thank the officer for his help. figure out - between your husband (who has left work without being asked to come make sure you're alright) and insurance agent - what the best course of action is. find out that your car is drivable, and plan to meet your husband back at the house so that he can then take you to the rental car place.

your car's fine moving out of the parking lot and into traffic. call your very understanding and empathetic boss to let her know what happened since you're technically still on company time (realize how much you love your new job and boss). get about 100 feet and then the bumper of your car falls off, and you've inadvertantly rolled over it. pull to the center lane, put on the hazards. call the police dept - again. have them send a tow truck who will lift your car up, remove the bumper from underneath it, then set it down again - all while you're in the car. pay the nice tow truck man $45 for his quick services. go home. go to car rental company. get rental car. go home.

have a fun afternoon?

all good things...

2006-06-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

*1* we got the house

*2* first day at new job was good
*3* new job includes a blackberry ☺

*4* we have several potential buyers lined up for our current house

*5* hubby bubby took me to california pizza kitchen to celebrate new job/new house
*6* new job includes a blackberry ☺

pure evil

2006-06-05T21:08:00.000-05:00

so where to begin on this one? last week sucked. no way around it. no double-talkin it. it sucked. big time. guess i better start at the beginning...

back around xmas time i decided to make peace with pop's girlfriend (hereafter known as "the witch"). thought that maybe she wasn't as bad as we thought she was. she was making pop happy, and for the sake of family, etc. i wanted to create a more family-like atmosphere, where hubby bubby and pop could develop a better relationship. so there were my motives. i made several overtures at friendship towards her. fought with hubby bubby and his brother to let the past go. i was successful. moving forward...

a month or so ago hubby bubby and i were having dinner at pop's house, and we were talking about looking for a new house. we've been working on and off (depending on how serious we've been) with our realtor (the nice one). there were a few houses we saw during open house drive-arounds that we wanted to see, but our realtor wasn't available. so the witch, who has a realtor's license, offered to show me some of the homes. i took her up on it. and on two separate occasions we went looking. the second occasion, which was about 3 weeks ago, was when all hell broke loose.

while at one of the homes, she started talking about how she and pop've been living together for two years now. they got engaged about a year or so ago, and i asked if they've set a date yet. she said no, but wished that pop would get on it - he was dragging his feet. i asked if everything was okay. she said yes, they're trying to work through a few things. i asked again if everything was okay. she mentioned something about making sure history didn't repeat itself and that there are no fidelity issues. uhm, okay. there was not much discussion after that. i said something about how those are good issues to work on. i don't remember much verbatim after that. but i did say that i don't know much about his exploits other than what ex-stepmom-in-law and mom-in-law have tried to tell me, and i've told them (at least i've told ex-stepmom), that i will not hear it or get in the middle. the subject was pretty much dropped, and i didn't think much of it after that.

fast forward to last wednesday... hubby bubby comes home from work and tells me that pop went to him earlier in the day and said that the witch was uncomfortable with a conversation she and i had recently, and that he was upset that i was talking about his personal life. she told him that i initiated the conversation and was talking about he had trouble staying faithful. she said that i went into some detail about his exploits. HELLO? WHAT THE HELL? CAN'T GIVE INFO YOU DON'T HAVE. talk about being uncomfortable. i was absolutely livid. after i calmed down, i wrote pop a peaceful, heartfelt email trying to explain what happened and apologizing for my part in the conversation, etc. he writes back this horrid threatening email stating that i created a potentially dangerous situation and i need to find a way to fix it. HUH? can you say SNOWED? i emailed back that i already apologized to him for my part, there was no gossiping, as he suggested, and that, again, i did not initiate the conversation. hubby bubby was angry that his father was threatening his wife. they had it out later that day. pop was refusing to listen, believing that witchy woman was in the right. it was harsh. he basically chose her over his own son. neither of us slept that night. we were looking at the situation from every possible angle. i can only imagine what bullshit she spun for him to react like that. no clue. but we were up talking all night. can't believe what's going on. also trying to figure out why she waited 3 weeks to bring this all to pop. so pop told hubby bubby that they didn't want to discuss it any further.

we finally figured out that she must be so miserable with her life. but he's in so deep with her. no clue. i'm still upset about it. hubby bubby has basically said that he doesn't have a father anymore. really makes me sad. he's choosing her over his own family. unbelievable. i hate it. i hate her. and the fact that pop doesn't even want to discuss things. i hate her. i hate her. i tried to like her. to get along with her. for pop's sake. but she's made it so damn hard. i was just beginning to genuinely like her. then this happened. never again. there's absolutely nothing she could say. pop needs to apologize for threatening me. that'll never happen. he just needs to wake up and see what's going on. also will never happen. so i don't know. i feel badly for my husband. but feel so lucky to have a husband who knows how to behave like a man, who knows the right things to do.

that woman is toxic. she's evil. pure evil.

new toys

2006-06-04T21:54:00.000-05:00

so while at the toy store *read: apple store* today, i saw this macjournal program. thought about buying it but didn't know anything about it. so looked it up on line, and voila!, here i am. after a few random tests, i've decided that i like this, it's easy, etc. so go me. after, how long?, i'm back. hurray!

so i got the msw - finally. graduation was may 19th. go me. glad to be done. start a new job tomorrow. looking forward to that. i'll be working with adults who have mental illness (mainly, bipolar and schizophrenia) in a counseling and case management capacity. a little disappointed not to be working with children for right now, but excited about the challenge of working with adults. it's a whole different animal.

now that i've got a *real job* hubby bubby and i've been looking for a new house. and yesterday we wrote a contract on a new house - seriously new house - in webster groves. we got a verbal agreement this afternoon, but then had some *miscommunication* with our realtor about contingencies, so there was a whole big mess up. but i think we're okay now. just waiting for the good word. really wish our real realtor was available, but she's out of town. so we've been working with her supervisor who is a real piece of work. she's unbelievable. my mom's up in arms over how we've been treated thus far. she yelled at my hubby while we were signing the contract bcs he was looking for entry points for bugs and mice. very important, we thought. she didn't agree. then she was yelling at me this afternoon bcs of the miscommunication about the contingency thing. hello - i'm the client. you do not yell at the client. but we met with her again this afternoon, and she was a little less hostile. less confrontational. hee hee.

some things never f***ing change

2005-05-08T15:54:00.000-05:00

*otherwise known as the weekend from hell*

how stupid was i to think that things would be different from the last time we saw each other? my gosh, was i an idiot! i honestly don't know why she's here since she's so far spent the entire time on the phone with her husband. and if she's not talking to him, she's talking about him. and if she's not talking about him, she's text messaging him. it's absolutely ridiculous. i'm so angry with her, and i'm angry with myself for not expecting this to happen. this is exactly what happened the last time we saw each other.

when i went to visit her 11 years ago. she spent the entire time with her boyfriend. even went so far as to make me sit outside his house for 2-1/2 hours while they were doing only g-d knows what. flashback. not pretty.

have we spent any time talking about my/our wedding plans? no. have we spent time talking about hers? yes. has she lied left and right about the most miniscule things? yes. so i don't know why i'm so surprised. it's almost too stupid to really be happening.

we went out for a nice dinner that was supposed to be her treat - per her instructions a few weeks ago, i made reservations at this ultra-fancy restaurant bcs she said she wanted to treat us to a nice meal. bill comes and she says "how do you want to split this up?" no joke. what could i say? there was absolutely no nice way to handle that. so i said "why don't we just split it so that we pay 2/3 and you pay 1/3." really angry about that. i can tell that i'm going to have a hard time letting this go.

she spent 20 minutes during dinner on the phone with the husband. we got home, and she went outside to spend another 20 on the phone with him. then spent the rest of the evening texting back and forth. yes, you miss him, i get that. but have some f***ing independence. the entire day was about text messaging. i'm so f***ing sick of text messaging. so of course i can't sleep. tried earlier but just gave up. i'm just so *BIG SCREAM* right now. but i've got to try to sleep. got the big mother's day brunch thing in the morning. and i haven't slept very well this past week. all of this is not sitting well with me. yeah, i'm gonna have a hard time getting over this....

catch up rant

2005-04-28T22:15:00.000-05:00

the last month has been an absolute whirlwind of activity. wedding planning, work, papers/proposals, more wedding planning... then of course there's been all the fun health stuff - no more hospital visits, but lots of doctors. apparently, i have vertigo. can't help but think of anything but the alfred hitchcock movie. it's from some kind of inner ear thing. tells ya how much i know about it!

then of course, there's more reunion stuff going on. out of the blue yesterday, this guy that i was really good friends with, but haven't talked to in about 10 years, emailed me. surprise! another camp friend. so we've been emailing back and forth. another friend whom i haven't talked to in, oh, 15 years, got in touch with me recently as well. i am absolutely loving this! the pictures keep flying, fingers can't type fast enough...

the one person i've been being a big dork about contacting... another camp friend... but this one was different. i swear. he was like a little brother to me for so long. just a super sweet guy. we talked on the phone at least once a day. i went to his senior prom - flew up east just to be there - found the picture last night. anyway. we lost touch a few years ago, 4 years ago? don't even remember why. i know that he always had a crush on me, but i always thought of him as the little brother type. plus there was a huge geographical distance between us. but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. when i got
engaged, and when all this other reunion stuff started happening, i decided to find him. started with the last known address i had for him. wrote him a letter. that came back to me. then started googling (that doesn't sound too dirty now, does it?) him, and found an address in new york. that wasn't it either. long story short (too late!) i came across a company that he worked at - had his picture on the site, so i knew it was him - and left him a voice mail at work. been being a huge dork the last two days waiting for him to call back. everyone kept asking if i had a crush on this guy or something. no. just get
excited about talking with people. and especially excited to reconnect with him. he *finally* called me back tonight. i didn't recognize the number on my cell - but figured it was him, and i was on my way to dinner, so i let it go to voicemail. but of course i called in my voicemail as soon as it came through. hurray! left him a message when i got home from dinner. it's a good start, right.

anyway. enough about that. i've got my first wedding shower tomorrow night. my aunt is throwing a family shower for me. very small, only about 12 or 13 people. the big shower's in june - think the current guest list is something like 60 or 70. should be interesting. my favorite wedding story right now is that one of my bridesmaids is pregnant! i am so excited about that! she asked me if i minded having a pregnant woman in my wedding. as long as is aint me, honey! this is her third, and she should be around 7 months or so come wedding dress time.

in other wedding news, my moh is coming to see me next week! haven't seen her in 11 years. crazy. but she's coming out for the weekend. got a few things planned for us to do. but nothing really wedding-like. baseball game, dinner. take her to the arch - she's never been to good old stl.

think that's about it. if i think of anything else... nah, that's about enough out of me for one night....

time stands still

2005-04-01T07:42:00.000-06:00

so the last few days have been a whirlwind of activity - mostly good stuff, a little bad stuff. but to focus on the good stuff...

growing up, i spent the best times of my life at summer camp. numerous summer camps. but there was one in particular on the east coast changed my life. i lived in the mid-west, everyone else lived on the east coast. i was definitely the outsider. but i loved that place. the people, that is. i made the best friends of my life there. it took me a long time to get over the fact that camp was over. i'm talking years.

i kept in touch with people throughout the years following, but unfortunately lost touch with some due to circumstances, aka life. just imagine my joy to get an email a few months ago about a camp reunion. hurray! but it was in new york, of course, and i didn't have enough notice to get out there. from this reunion, a website was born. pictures, old and new. database of connections. people i hadn't thought about in close to 15 years. these were once my best friends. and it makes me sad to say that i hadn't thought about them in so long.

but now it's like the time span never occurred. i've been pouring over pictures that others have sent. what a punk i was! i barely recognize myself - i've never worn as much makeup in my life as i did my last summer at camp. how silly! i found all my old photo albums. am planning on posting pix to the website this weekend. hopefully. am currently rebuilding relationships with old friends. which i absolutely love!

i'm not currently capturing the full scope of my emotions surrounding this reunion. it's almost 11p and i'm exhausted. it was a draining week. so i'm gonna go to bed. i'm missing my love. he had a show tonight. i'm in a conference all day tomorrow on play therapy techniques. my eyes are closing. so i'm going to bed before i pass out. will continue tomorrow...

cymbalta & the fear of everything

2005-03-27T00:11:00.000-06:00

i had never been on an anti-depressant before in my life. even though there are multiple times that i should've been. but my doctor was insistent that it would work. not, in my case, for depression. but rather for the chronic pain caused by the arthritis in my rib cage. i'm talking serious ouch. my precious vioxx was removed in october. from that point until late january, i had been on a myriad of anti-inflammatories and pain reducers. nothing worked. then my rheumatologist suggested cymbalta, an anti-depressant that has worked wonders as a pain modifier. at that point i would've had my rib cage removed so as not to be in constant pain. wonder of all wonders, it worked. and it started working instantly. not like some of the others i had been on where after 3 weeks i was convinced i was just taking sugar pills. this was great. hidden bonus: it also worked as an appetite suppressant. we were in business. then a few weeks ago it just stopped working. almost as fast as it had started. the pain returned, and i was back to pre-vioxx levels. called the doc, and he said that since nothing else on earth worked for me, i could start taking my secret stash of vioxx. hurray!

so that was last monday. i barely remember what happened the rest of the week. all of the sudden i couldn't sleep. for the past few months i've been going to bed at like 10p since i have to be up so early. now all of the sudden, it's 1, 2a and i'm still wide awake and bouncing. not fun. luckily my kids were on spring break and i didn't have to work all last week. but still. so i started taking tylenol pm to get to sleep. didn't work. the next night i took 2 of them. didn't work. i mean, i was sleeping, but not soundly and restfully. and the weird-ass dreams started. freakishly weird. and then the negativity started. scared the hell out of me. i didn't want to be around anyone. and my love and i were arguing about the most stupid things.
i was grumpy. just plain grumpy. i didn't even want to be around him. and he's my most absolute favorite person in the world. i was questioning everything. like, why are he and i together? we have absolutely nothing in common. at least that's what my mind was telling me last week. i hated the world, and was afraid of everything. didn't want to answer the phone. didn't want to check email. two of my favorite things to do. had nothing nice to say about anything. was having the worst hot flashing. thought i was just pms'ing. but way beyond the realm of normality. i was just not myself.

so we were talking about it last night, the little boy (that's what my dad calls my love) and i. he mentioned the cymbalta. by that point i had completely forgotten about it. but a-ha! not the band, but... anyway. when i had started the cymbalta i did a little research. i was fearful of the anti-depressant. there were numerous studies of psychotic episodes that occurred after stopping the drug. light bulb. even though i wasn't taking the drug for depression, the same chemicals were still at play. messing with my head, with my heart and with my hormones. never mess with a woman's hormones. so at least what i've been going through made sense. when i first started the drug i had problems with sleeplessness. now going through them again.

soaked in a hot tub and am now drinking hot tea. starting to feel sleepy. time for a tylenol pm and my pillow. don't want to be up til 4a again like last night. that sucked. wish me sweet dreams....

my childhood is now complete

2005-03-26T11:54:00.000-06:00

my fashion plates arrived today! sooooo excited. i've wanted these
things ever since i was a kid and saw that my cousins had them. of course, they would never let me play with them. but every once in a while i check for them on ebay, bcs they (tomy/mattel) don't make them anymore. but every time i checked ebay, the sets were going for upwards of $40, and i just never wanted to spend that much on them. on a whim i checked ebay the other day, and there was a huge set up for $10. bid bid bid. obviously i won the auction. i'm like a kid in the
candy store. i set the plates up and got out the little crayon. i remember that everyone would get so upset when the little rubbing crayon got too flat or too small or whatever. hello! it's a crayon. just put a different one in. duh. (29 years old and still saying 'duh'). anyway. i'm all happy now. but of course i don't have time to play with them right now. oh well. at least i have them. i'm such a five-year-old. but it's so much fun!

truth be honest...

2005-03-25T21:19:00.000-06:00

i can't understand why adults feel the need to lie. i understand why
children lie; that's easy. even had one of my kids at school write
sentences about why he lies. that was fun :) but i don't understand
why adults lie. specifically, one of my girl friends. it's always
about little stuff, too. not anything important or big. i've known
this girl since we were kids, 13 or 14 i think. we were the wild
childs. yet another story. she lied to me constantly when we were
younger, and i always caught her in her twisted little webs. called
her on it a few times. then i just got tired of trying. when we were
about 18 or 19 she told a whopper that put our friendship in limbo for
about 3 years or so. now, at 28, she's back at it. drives me nuts.
juvenile. immature. etcetera etcetera. i lied my butt off as a kid.
everyone did. but we grow out of it. we grow up and we change. but
she hasn't. it's just frustrating. i can't understand why she
doesn't. i'm her oldest and dearest friend. guess that doesn't mean
too much anymore. remember when "BFF" meant the world? guess that
only lasts until high school graduation. another friend recently asked
why i was still friends with the lying girl. couldn't give an answer.
that irritated me. other than history, what do we still have in
common? pretty much nothing. except for the fact that she still lies
and i still listen to it.

if you were here/
i could deceive you/
if you were here/
you would believe...
-Thompson Twins

...and we're gonna get married

2005-03-24T21:38:00.000-06:00

Engagement Pic 1
Originally uploaded by Jullet05.

so, yes, i'm engaged. to my childhood sweetheart. i know: awww. everyone at once. here's one of our engagement pix. aren't we cute. we've been together forever. let me spell that out for-ev-er. since we were 13 actually. we're crazy. but no, it hasn't been consecutive time. unfortunately. that part makes me sad. hate to think that we've been with other people. but, uh, yeah. our wedding plans are going great. and we're crazy in love with each other. my fiance, he's great. obviously. i love him more than life itself. he's a goofball. we wanted this small family-only ceremony. we don't think that marriage is about the big party or anything like that. so we wanted small and intimate. it's turned into thjis 250 guess affair. not exactly what we had in mind. none of our wedding party lives in town. so that's a bit nuts. and i admit that i'm scared that my maid of honor won't show up. that's a nightmare for me. i know that my groom will show :) just worried about my moh. my bridesmaid has been fabulous! she searched out the maids dresses. they're gorgeous. my junior bridesmaid and flower girl will be adorable. we just have to get the tuxes. and the cake. been talking with bakers and designers. also been waking up craving cake. that's the fun part of wedding planning...

Confessions of a Yarn Junkie

2005-03-24T20:55:00.000-06:00

so i go to wally world on the pretense of buying a new book shelf for my home office. they are, of course, out of them. i was there only 3 days ago to buy a book shelf. and now they're out. maybe next week, they tell me. k. no biggie. but i'm in cleaning my office mode. spent all day yesterday dismantling my old shelving system (plastic crates, anyone?). i love my new shelf, but of course not everything fits in them. *scream* so frustrating. so i went to get another one. already said that. anyway. ended up wandering the yarn aisle. go figure. i promised my fiance that i wouldn't turn our house in to a yarn barn. that promise was broken about a day after i made it. i am a yarn junkie. i suffer from yarn acquisition syndrome (YAS). badly. i also have pattern acquisition syndrome (PAS), but that's another story. wasn't planning on buying anything today since i don't *need* anything (but do i ever?) nor have any projects in mind for new yarn. but i found some rh that i've never seen before. and also had to get some fuzzy stuff to play with. came home and sat down with a different bag of yarn that i purchased a few weeks ago to make a funky scarf. been wanting to play with this stuff. unfortunately, i'm not too impressed. but it looks good. so add another wip to my ever growing list....